Kink~E Magazine – Fourteen Years In the Making….

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I can’t believe how much time has passed.

If you ask me back then in 2000 after my break up and finding myself in how to exist in this world, “would you ever imagined owning a popular magazine where you would feature and interview people in the entertainment industry?” – I would have simply answered, “Nope”.

To understand who I was in 2000, I started writing my autobiography several years ago and has been a pain staking process. It’s not fun to have to relive certain shit but in the matter of helping someone else is part of the reason why I’m writing my book. In the interim, I’m also in the midst of writing several erotica books, including three self help books.

“To write about pain is to understand where that pain stems from.” (From “How I View the World with Me In It”, author, Marabelle Blue ©2016).

It’s not an easy feat to contend with because as humans we are so used to blaming the other person or circumstances for our choices. I’ve seen it happen and I myself have privy to that type of behavior.

I couldn’t see all of this when I started my magazine. All I saw was a group of people who lived (including myself) in an Alternative world that didn’t have a place to share their voice. Sure we have other types of periodicals where alternative voices were heard, but that seemed to slowly die out once people became aware of this thing called the Internet.

Through blogging my own personal journeys, I did two years of research and spoke with many different people from local NYC underground communities.

At first I wanted the magazine to be this dark place, almost like a dungeon, where fetish became alive and the voices behind the fetish underground were free to speak and share why they enjoyed this lifestyle.

While the magazine was making it’s rounds online, I remember attending a party at Mother with Master Steelow, my real first exposure of seeing the BDSM lifestyle at work (trust you won’t find it in 50 Shades) and talking to him about the magazine, but at the time it was so new, I don’t think he took me seriously. At least that was the way I took it.

The first few years was rough. I was learning how to maintain a website, let alone create one from scratch and decipher the content. The magazine went through phases, what worked and what didn’t work. When Myspace rolled along, this was my starting point of using social media and getting people to read the magazine which was great and good exposure to not only reach those within the U.S. but also outside of the United States.

People began referring to me as Miss Kink but I wanted something more relevant, a personality which was true to my reflection. Being I was calling myself  Marabelle Blue, I decided to the name and market myself myself an individual who was also part of Kink~E Magazine.

One of the things I learned about social media and exposing yourself to the public is someone coming along thinking they can snatch your shit and make it better. That’s when the evil old lady from Australia came in and plagiarized my magazine. After going through the proper channels on how to address her bullshit the battle ended with one winner. Did she really think she was going to win?

Here’s the deal, when you create something, people will always come in and try to mimic you and ride your band wagon. It happens every time to everyone. One of the most important things I’ve learned within the social media spectrum, don’t brag and don’t expose your shit until it’s good and ready. Sure we all want to brag and there’s nothing wrong with healthy sharing about your progress and confidence, however, yet another when you spend all day tweeting or facebooking on how fabulous you are. The only ones who are the ones who don’t feel good about themselves. It becomes cult like after a while.

Over time with the good things and the not so good things, Kink~E Magazine finally found a place in people’s lives and hearts and that has to do with many of the writers who have come and joined the fold realizing this was a place to share thoughts, opinions and/or grievances. A place where we feature people in the entertainment industry in the sincerest of light and not just making sex the number one topic.

Behind the life of every performer is a sincere, empathetic person who loves what they do and isn’t afraid to show it.  Behind every authors are people who share their most intimate thoughts in story telling and behind every opinion is a person who stands strong in their plight.

The internet has grown a lot. And with that growth, we all continue to keep KinkE on top with interesting notes and topics, discussing current issues and trends.

I still keep up with my good Kink’s Korner (remember how Charlie Sheen copied me with Sheen’s Corner), discussing relationships and life in NYC.

A lot will change within Kink~E Magazine, all good things. I won’t disclose yet what those changes are (we still have the copy haters watching), but I will say this, this past year has been the best. I enjoyed every issue and what we feature to you.

For all the times I wanted to give up, I would get an email from someone telling me how much they enjoyed reading the articles in the magazine, how much they found they weren’t alone in what they were feeling, there was no way I would give this up.

When BBW came along, we found a whole new audience lovers of Big Beautiful woman. Thank you @theKimmieKaboom for the enticing interviews she brings.

Thanks to my girl Dr. Sue (@DoctorSue) and her expert field in cuckolding (among other topics) and Christine who has been hitting the hardcore topics of hate in America and just America itself. And for Dirk who keeps the fetish articles alive in offering advice and tips in how to play it safe.

To all the past writers who have shared their thoughts and advice on topics we seem to discuss behind closed doors when it shouldn’t be that way.

Most importantly I need to thank every person who has contributed and supported Kink~E Magazine for all of these years.

We stand united in our alternative beliefs and lifestyle. This isn’t just about sex or porn or fetish life and gender roles, this is about life and respecting each other’s values and belief system whatever that may be and for as long as you’re not hurting anyone deliberately. (I need to make that clear.)

There is not one person living who is a “God” who can tell us who to love or not to love, how to have sex and why certain behaviors are “wrong”, that’s just unrealistic.

With that being said, Happy Birthday to Kink~E Magazine and thank you to each and every person who continues to support us.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

Check out KEM TopTalk latest shows

www.kemtoptalk.com and follow us on www.blogtalkradio.com/kinkemagazine

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Celebrating 25 Years!

this is me

Here I am. Today I have 25 years clean and sober.

In 1991, I walked in to my first meeting after doing a stint in rehab. I didn’t know what to expect nor did I understand what the hell was going on here. So we all meet at these places and talk about how pathetic we are? Do we get to drink again at some point? I mean you know this was all well and good, but did I really have a problem?

I just overdid it but now I can control it. “Just give me some time, and you’ll see”, I told all my friends. “Let me just clean up for a year and then I can control my drinking, I’ll be all right.”

From my autobiography: “How I View the World with Me in It: From 1968 to Present” (copyright 2016)

I walked in to my friend meeting in April I believe. I did believe I could control it. I think I was clean for a few weeks when I found myself heading into this popular corner store, to buy a Coors Light. I remember looking around to see if anyone saw me. I put the beer in a brown paper bag, opened it and put a straw in it and took a sip. I left the store feeling guilty but that guilt, I was going to make it go away. I didn’t have a problem. I was not like the people at the meetings. They were doing hard core drugs and I wasn’t, so I can control it.

Three beers later, I was feeling the effects. I had no stamina when it came to drinking and it wouldn’t be long before I found myself at 140 Street and Amsterdam.

I have contemplated how much I’m willing to share in my book. It has been hard writing your life story without feeling the effects. I feel elated sometimes, I feel pain, pain I don’t want to feel, memories I want to forget. I see my friends in the street, “don’t you remember me”, sadly there are some I can’t remember. My colorful life took away some memories of friendships I had with people.

I have made amends to some, but amends don’t stop. Amends are not just saying you’re sorry it is about what can I do. If I can’t make amends to a person, how can I be effective towards society? Perhaps give to a cause.

Yes I do these things and then some. I don’t need to make an announcement about what I do or how I support a cause whether or not it’s in money or volunteering, quite honestly it’s no one’s business. It’s the relationship I have with the Universe.

Some people call it God. I call it mother nature. God to me is complex.

I stay clean by choice.

I don’t begrudge anyone who does drugs because every day I walk on 34th street, I see it in my face. The signs of homelessness, the ones sprawled out in the street on a high I can’t even begin to understand.

I’ve gotten the shock value, “You don’t drink” as people gasp under their breath, “do you smoke pot?”

No, pot is drug, regardless of what people say. It’s a mood and mind altering chemical. End of story. What I don’t like is when people think it’s okay to smoke pot (that synthetic shit) out in a public park while receiving hand outs from the government (another story for another time).

Some people are not sure how to behave around me. There isn’t a special treatment I need. I am me. I didn’t know who ‘me’ was for the longest of time. I wanted to be someone else, live in someone else’s life. I hated everything about me but when I was high and drunk I didn’t have to be me. I didn’t have to think about what people thought of me.

This journey has been amazing. I remember having a sponsor share at one of my meetings and one thing she said I completely understand today was, “I could care less if you don’t like me, that’s not what I’m here for.”

What? I thought to myself. How can you not care????

I get it now. When I got clean, there were no cells phone and no internet. My life was limited as to what I can do and where I can go because my parents did not trust me. My father finally believed I was clean when I celebrated five years clean. Until then, he wasn’t sure.

When I finish my book, you will understand a little bit better on who I am, where I come from and hope that my story will inspire maybe one person to believe in themselves.

I’m not ashamed of who I am. My sensitivity towards celebrity deaths from overdose and the evil things people say, haven’t a clue of what the fuck they are talking about. Thank goodness you’re not addicted, maybe to stupidity but that’s better than being a slave to a drug that makes you believe you are nothing without it.

No not everyone is an addict via drugs, anyone can be addicted to anything these days. People have made choices in their lives and when they don’t like the outcome it becomes someone else’s fault. People hate for no reason at all other than to reflect that inner hate on to others, plain and simple.

Also, anyone can be clean for an ‘x’ amount of time…I believe that, but can you comply with the changes when life happens?

I found this quote years ago and I’ll end with this.

“Growing old is mandatory, Growing up is optional”

How are you livin’?

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

#TheBachelor @benhiggi E5 – Cleaning House

The ladies arrive in Mexico City where once again Olivia is convinced the date card is for her.
 
Guess what???
 
It’s not LOL. 
ben and amanda.jpgIt was actually Amanda.
 
Oh, but Olivia had much to say about Amanda. She doesn’t believe Ben is the right person for her because she has children.
 
Really Olivia? You are a fucking child.
 
The next day, Ben wakes the girls up at 4:30 in the morning so he can see all of them in their element. Surprisingly, Cray Cray Jub had her hair in head while Olivia left pieces of her weave on the dresser. It was pretty funny to hear Ben ask, “who’s weave is this?” Definitely an LOL moment.
 
Ben finally did find Amanda and as they headed off on their date, Olivia, having a conversation with Lauren H. and telling her she completely disagrees Ben should keep her, especially since she’s been away from her kids for quite some time. She also doesn’t believe it would work out, if Ben wanted children, he would have had them.
 
Really Olivia? Are you a psychologist now? Perhaps you should be on the show, “Married At First Sight” and after a whole psychological work up, I’m sure none of the advisors on that show would pick her to be with someone. That marriage wouldn’t last more than a week.
 
During Ben and Amanda’s date, she expressed concerns on her interview regarding relationships and marriage because at her such youthful age, she’s already lived that life where Ben has not. In real life, relationships like this are truly a challenge. You can’t expect for someone to come into your life and adjust to your needs and your family without adjusting to his needs.
 
While Amanda seems to be on a “long extended date”, according to Jubilee (cray cray), she’s upset and jealous that Ben is spending more and more time with the other ladies and not her. If she thinks really hard about their one on one date, it wasn’t romantic at all, and the proceeding episodes he treats her as just one of the guys. You can take the ghetto out of the hood and the ghetto will always follow LOL. It just won’t jive with Ben’s family. Let’s not pretend here guys.
 
The group date card arrives and the names are read as follows (with Olivia begging not to want to be a part of the group date because she wants to spend more time with “her man”).
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Does Success Derive from Humility?

Seems to be the question of the moment for me after watching Robin Meade this morning report in the news on Kanye’s rant at SNL. Was this before or after the “sweet” Taylor Swift not only accepted her award but reminded everyone when you work hard, accept the rewards [awards] with gratitude and never let anyone tell you different.

Well she didn’t put it in those exact words but you get the message right?

When Ms. Swift made her speech I didn’t feel she was just speaking to Mr. West (y’all) but speaking with anyone and everyone who aspires to be something great, whatever that greatness may be in a positive light.

Yes, there are many who believe because they arrived at a certain point in their lives, they believe they can be the misfit of society, “I want what I want and I want it now”, type of attitude that generates the group of haters and the obnoxious individuals that will not only support said behavior but also continue to make themselves broke supporting said behavior.

Kinda dumb isn’t it?

Look, I’m not a Kayne hater. I don’t sit back trolling the internet saying, “what am I going to say bad about him today”. A true hater does everything they can to continue to rise the hate within themselves over someone else’s successes (I thought I should point that out because there are many delusional people out there who have limited vocabulary and understand the meaning of true hate). Scary to know in this day and age we have more of those than we do people supporting one another in their good causes.

2005_Penny_Rev_Unc_D.pngSpeaking of causes, can someone confirm Kanye actually has a go fund me page, so I can chip in my penny.

But seriously. The thing that irks me the post is when Mr. West compares himself of great artists of our time. I cannot sit here and say, I write like the great Jackie Collins or Stephen King. I write like I know how to write and express myself. However, I always remember there’s always room to learn and grow from my writing habits and styles in expressing not only for me but for whomever decides to read my material.

I’m in the process of writing a very personal love story and rewriting another book I actually finished but now must make major changes. I think when you have a gift, you find a way to channel that gift so you can share with the world (if you choose), or help other people. We’re not dummies to take those gifts and make money from them, especially if they are the choice for career. It’s what happens when you become recognized for your work and the money comes flowing in.

bedroom setHow does anyone handle that only remains to be seen with each individual person. If there’s one thing I don’t talk about much is my interview with 50 Cent. One thing he mentioned in his interview about obtaining money, buying the mansion with a bunch of rooms but you can only sleep in one bed (my apologies not verbatim).

I have been broke and broker than broke. I have set up go fund me pages to help start up a studio for KEM TopTalk in the past and guess what…. no one gave a shit even while people do enjoy the show. By the way, my show will be coming back soon. My life was at a standstill and now I’m building my own studio in my apartment. 🙂

Sometimes there are things we don’t like doing to get where we are going. When I got clean and sober in 1991 I remember people telling me ‘it will get better’. I wanted to believe in my head, if I took a break from drinking I can regroup and drink again.

Almost 25 years later. (Hang tight June 16th I’ll have 25 years of sobriety).

So, does humility have something to do with getting somewhere in life and/or meeting your goals. Yes.

But once you’ve met your successes and goals, what happens next?

Success, fame, entertaining is a hard pill to swallow. Every day I ask myself what kind of person will I be once I’ve attained the status I am looking to gain? Am I afraid? Of course, who wouldn’t be? My belief system has always been, “with good intent”.

I have seen people acquire their statuses through fake story telling or fake positions they tell people they’ve had and when they didn’t. I have had people say things about my magazine and where are they now? Once you put yourself in line to say you have something better, you better be prepared to live up to your words.

“Comparing is never a winning concept. Individuality is.” (as quoted by Marabelle Blue~)

Stay humble Kanye. Stay humble.giphy

Until then.

Loves and Hugs and Take Care of You!

Marabelle Blue~

 

 

#TheBachelor @benhiggi – #BenBeccable @chrisbharrision

 

I was all convinced at some point Olivia would be one of the top two but I think between episodes 1 and 2, I changed my mind. Now watching episode three, I’m would be surprised if Olivia receives a rose at the end of this.

Four weeks in and she’s calling Ben her husband and how she’s in love with him that’s “her man”, “Ben and Zen” I’m not sure how many more shit she can come up with, that is after Chris Harrison announces Ben is no long in Los Angels but rather in Las Vegas (my future home).

As soon as they realize they are going, she’s instigating she’s going to whisper to him, she wants to see Celine. She’s funny.

Needless to say, once the ladies arrive in Vegas, the first date card also arrives in their hotel room at the beautiful Aria Hotel (was there in 2014 truly beautiful hotel), and JoJo is on this particular one and one.

When Ben picked her up as they waited for the helicopter and the girls became jealous but then laughed when the helicopter landed and the force of the propellers knocked the table and champagne down from the table BUT walked away when Ben took advantage of the moment and kissed JoJo. Now that was pretty cool.

 

During the one on one, it seemed the conversation between Ben and JoJo was truncated. What exactly the story with JoJo and her last relationship. Why did it sound like she was having an affair? I mean no offense, we’re all grown here, aren’t we and shit happens, however, it would make sense she would discuss a relationship to make a conversation flow for the cameras and before you know it, Ben is offering a rose. Okay. Great.

The night ended with one more surprise after he gave the rose to JoJo, the fireworks above the Aria hotel began to spark when the girls inside their room heard the fireworks but could not see them (Ben and JoJo’s date were at the MGM Grand – great hotel too) of course had a clearest view of the fireworks.

JoJo one point, Olivia zero.

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Keeping My Options Open…

henotintoEver meet someone and think, wow this may be a person I can hang out with and see where it goes. Then you start talking and that statement comes out, “I’m not looking to be in a relationship”.

I’ve heard this before. I once dated a very sexy attorney who said the same thing and for eight months we spent a lot of time together. We went out to dinners, lunch, to his place of course.

I’ve spent weekends with him, but after eight months, the statement still stood, “I’m not looking to be in a relationship”.

And with that, after an argument we had, an emailed titled “Us”, before I opened it, I knew it was over. I didn’t cry. I expected it. He was a great man. I don’t have a bad thing to say about him. I really don’t. But he wanted to play the field and I wasn’t there in my life to be with someone I had to share, that is till a few months I met someone else, but that’s another story for another time.

Anyway, so back to the “new” guy. We met towards the end of summer, he was a “newbie” to our dog run and my neighbor noticed he was checking me out. To be quite honest, I wasn’t sure if he was, I wasn’t sure if he was straight but he is LOL.

After running into each other several times and talking, we both learned, we are single (good start), we have similar values and belief systems, we both like to laugh and joke a lot, however there a holes in this “developing relationship”.

For someone who says they are interested, the behavior doesn’t match up. Sure he knows about me and my magazine, interviews, etc but how does that affect how we interact with each other, it doesn’t seem to get in the way of who we are as individuals. And for someone who says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, doesn’t act like he’s attracted to me either, words, like “my hang out buddy”, isn’t something that leads to anything romantic, at least not in my book.

The awkward hugs, the let’s get together and meet up at the dog run and hang out isn’t my idea of getting to know one other while my dogs are freezing out in the cold (and me too), what about diner time, talking in a place where we won’t get thrown out right away. Nope, that’s not happening. Any phone calls during the day, no, but I get texts periodically. Some days are more than others when he’s talking about projects and skit writing he suddenly wants to do.

Anyone seeing a pattern here?

Other than someone I can relate to in writing scripts or books, there isn’t really anything else there other than wishful thinking.

Last night I asked him if he was attracted to me. His response was yes, but he’s reserved because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. And he also said, “if I wasn’t attracted to you, I wouldn’t be here with you right now”.

Well I feel better already [sarcasm].

That feeling creeps over, “what is wrong with me”.

Disappointed? Yes.

However, I know what I’m looking for. It’s not to spend another eight months with someone and get hurt in the end.

When a man says he’s not looking to be in a relationship, believe him. The worst thing in the world is to know a man doesn’t feel you are deserving enough to spend time with.

Keep your self esteem because there’s someone out there who will appreciate you for it.

Moving on…

Until then.

Love and Hugs,
Marabelle Blue

#TheBachelor @benhiggi

Here we are~ A New Year has just begun and ABC wastes no time in premiering the Bachelor Ben Higgins from the Kaitlyn season. Surprisingly Ben was one of the last men standing (not sure why) there seemed to be a lack of personality there and with all the good looking men who were in her season, why choose Ben?

Anyway, I’m trying something new. I weaned myself off cable and no longer have the opportunity to watch live television. With an array of streaming applications where you can watch all of your favorite shows on your own time, I have to say, it sucks just a little bit.

I’m not able to catch up on the Housewives because Bravo hasn’t gotten with the programming of steaming unless you want to watch last season’s bullshit and who wants to blog about something that happened last year? Bye Felicia.

As always the intro starts off with shades of love on the water, in a boat, on some kind of a warm island, or on some kind of ride, followed by tears of women who barely know him or claiming they put their whole life on hold, yada yada yada. Oh lest not forget the “bitch” or “evil doer” of the show, “he’s my husband, he just hasn’t figure it out yet” type…..and the one who has a panic attack and guess what she won’t need the paramedics all she will need is Ben to sweep her off her feet. #Pathetic

Ben’s background, simple, from Warsaw, Indiana, small town where everyone knows each other, probably some Christian town…blah and on top of that he can’t find anyone from his own town?

Ben has this fake and mediocre conversation with his parents who have been together for the last thirty five years. One of the main topics discussed was Ben’s fears of being unlovable, which was something he bought up in the Kaitlyn season.

Hey Ben, try being my age and still not finding someone decent to have simple conversations with, without pulling teeth or begging for affection. Believe me you will find someone to love before I do. LOL.

Now with the Bachelor family growing, it seems they invite other Bachelors to “advise” on how to deal with this type of “reality” situation.

 Who do they bring back? Farmer Chris Soules (who broke up with his self centered girlfriend Whitney Bischoff), Jason Mesnick who at the end picked Melissa the one he really didn’t want over Molly but I guess to make the producers happy he gave them what they wanted. However in the reunion he told Melissa he was not the least bit interested in her and asked for Molly back. (What a happy reunion). Sean Lowe who married Catherine, discussed how he fell in love with her towards the end of the show (which was true). My question was why Farmer Chris was there. Clearly he picked the wrong woman. I don’t think their relationship lasted more than a week. (of course I’m being sarcastic) but if you recall, he had more of a relationship with Brit while the other girls were just hanging out watching this relationship flourish before them. #Confused

For the rest of this blog visit www.realonreality.com

For more on Lace read my upcoming blog this week! #RESCINDTHEROSE

This girl is cRaZY!

What’s Real and What’s Not…

The week of November 16, minding my business, getting off the train to head home, I noticed someone from the corner of my eye as I walked down the stairs and they walking beside me. Now the first thought is, “who the fuck is this person”, then he speaks…

“boy does that chicken smell good.”

There’s a restaurant up the street from the train station and I will say this, if the chicken is more than a day old, and they’re cooking it, it smells pretty bad.

The conversation leads to me saying the food didn’t smell good and I can make better chicken than they can. I thought that was the end, until he walked with me to my destination.

Okay, aggressive maybe?

Approaching the ninety nine cents store, I tell him, “well I have to go in here” and he asked me for my number.

I asked him to give me his and I promised I would call him back.

“What’s your name?”, he asked.

“My name is Marabelle.”

Well I wasn’t going to tell him my birth name. LOL.

Needless to say, I did give him my number. My business number. And then the calls started maybe a two days later. I didn’t feel we had much in common. But after a few text exchanges and a few calls in between, he surprised me last Saturday meeting me at the very same area we first started talking and took to the diner where we spent about four more maybe a bit more hours talking about everything.

Then my view changed.

Wow, this guy is smart and we do have a lot in common.

But…(you know there’s always that damn ‘but’), due to privacy issues, I changed my phone number on my ‘whatsapp’ to my business number, not realizing anyone who had the app and my business number will pop up a notification like, “hey your friend just joined whatsapp” – the same number I gave to this guy, who looks at my profile pic, watermarked, “Property of Kink~E Magazine”.

I have struggled for many years with men who thought that me owning a sex magazine made me available for sex, or that I was some kind of freak fucking different guys every night. Or how can I be such a prude and own a sex magazine.

Umm well, people are dirty and disgusting and I don’t open my legs to anyone unless they are fucking worth it. And oh, my fetish life isn’t practiced with some fly by night asshole that doesn’t know what he’s doing.

The men I meet get it very twisted and very confused as to who I am, what I do, what is the purpose of the magazine and why I do it.

The mission statement on www.kinkemagazine.com is very clear and anyone who reads it knows exactly what my magazine is about, what my writers do and what we talk about. Most importantly, why it’s so important to educated people living or exploring alternative lifestyles.

Well now upon knowing this info he had on hand, I told him what I do, I’m a writer, I own a magazine and I have different writer who discuss different aspects of adult entertainment and alternative lifestyle and he seemed cool with it.

After our endless hours of talking, it was time for me to go home and get rest and figuring I would hear from him the next day, I did not.

Okay what the fuck is going on here. You like someone (remember we are not 25, I don’t have time for stupid mind games), you’re not going to waste time or say, “well, duh, gee, I’ll contact her three days from now. By then I would have lost interest.

Bothered by the fact he didn’t make much of an effort, but texting here and there, I said something and it seemed to wake up the senses and led to another all night conversation.

Now my head space is, “yeah I’m feeling this guy, we can hang out get to know each other.”

Today, not so much. Inconsistent. Not making much of an effort BUT definitely made an effort in exposing exactly what he wanted to do me, desires of feasting on certain parts of my body…(use your imagination, ya’ll know what I’m talking about).

Yeah…no, I wasn’t feeling it.

I go out with you ONE time and one week later you’re talking about eating me out. It’s one thing to flirt, yet another when you’re just horn dog asking for sex when I barely even know the guy.

No thank you.

Does he not think I’m already getting emails like that from someone who’s been chasing me since 2000. And OH what about the guy I connect with periodically. While he’s busy playing mind games, someone else (someone I know) texting me at the same time, asking when I’m coming over.

A friend with benefit understanding only works with me for ONE person. I don’t need an extra person for that especially if they are telling me how REAL they are, when in essence are just full of shit.

I have been “around the block” enough to know all the stories guys play just to get a girl into bed, instead of just being forthright in saying, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now, however, I would like a partner I can be intimate with and have fun.”

Last time I checked, there’s nothing wrong with that level of honesty, but that’s just me. Some women may find the whole statement repulsive and that’s okay too.

Look I’m not here to judge, far from it. But when you come in with lies about me being in your heart and saying all of these romantic things just to get me in bed, is where I lose all respect for a person who’s flat out lying.

After addressing said issue, not only does he block me on twitter (why I don’t know he’s not worth reading any tweets he puts out), he blocks my number on his phone (after last Saturday when he tells me I gave him my “heartline” after I gave him my personal cell number).

If these are the actions of a person who claims they are telling the truth, guess what…you’re not.

Liars will not defend their actions once they’ve been found out. If anything they run the other way to ensure their integrity is not found out by others so they can pull the same game on someone else who will buy the lie.

While no one knows who I’m talking about, the last thing I would do it tag him on tweets like an immature child and accuse him of being a liar. Sure I will say certain things, but I won’t tag a name on to it.

He could have taken a different approach had he been telling the TRUTH, maybe by picking up the phone and calling and defending himself.

Being truthful is painful, whether you’re on the receiving end of it or not, hearing it for yourself when the words are departing from your lips can be painful.

After tonight, I was hurt and disappointed because I really wanted him to be for real in everything he was saying, but in the back of my mind, something said, there’s something not right.

I have learned to follow my intuition instead of following my heart.

Sad when you can’t follow your heart.

I text a friend of mine and told her what barely began has pretty much ended. In this phone conversation, a lot was revealed to me saying the words out loud.

Even in my own personal truth, as the words left my lips, my tears streamed down my face, because this really wasn’t about this guy, it is about something in the past, yet to be closed and the actions I am taking, in my own personal journey to resolve it.

You will all get a chance to share in that, I promise you.

In the meantime, my tears lie on the disappointment more than the person himself. It sucks when a person doesn’t tell you the truth, it sucks even more when they feel they can get over on you and not care about the feelings you’re investing through their web of lies.

(Addition) I wanted to say this, there’s always a reason why everyone goes through certain paths in their lives. I believe there’s a reason why I am having these experiences. While these experiences may not be so pleasant I know at the end of this tunnel will flourish something beautiful.

The journey continues….because whoever my “one” is, will completely and totally love me for who I am and not what they think I’m supposed to be.

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

Married At First Sight – Six Months Later @FYI #marriedatfirstsight

married-at-first-sight-season-2-weddingsI had not realized they showed a six month follow up on Season Two of Married At First Sight.

Logging onto the FYI site, I followed up with having to endure terrible host Kevin Fraizer (wasn’t he like on E! or something) asking remedial questions to the couples who agreed to get married without never seeing their spouse until the day of the wedding.

The first couple up was Davina and Sean. Now if you recall, Davina and Sean work in the health care industry and both were victims of bullying as they were growing up. (What they do here is talk to them individually and then as a couple).

When Davina came out, she was aloof. She answered Kevin’s questions with the air of a starlet who was snubbed by her costar after the movie was filmed. I understand she doesn’t want to expose any hurt feelings. You have cameras following you in a reality series, I’m sure it can be quite intimidating to have to hide feelings

She accused Sean of being an outright liar and nothing he said was true. Throughout the whole time talking, Dr. Logan Levkoff was making faces and shifting her body back and forth in annoyance. I noticed how she looked at the spiritual adviser Greg Epstein in total disgust.

Did I miss something? Why were the advisers so upset? Even Dr. Cilina made a comment about Davina taking responsibility for her actions.

Just as I was taken in by the first season, I now question the second season and so forth. Were any of these couple ready to be married or was it they just looked good for television because they were all pretty?

At some point when Kevin had asked her a question relating to their relationship their wedding picture posted in the back suddenly drops to the floor and fell again when both Sean and Davina were in the room together discussing the demise of their relationship. *creepy*

When Sean was interviewed by Kevin, he admitted he was not ready to make any kind of move to NYC, even though in his application he claimed he would be willing to relocate. Isn’t that a lie right there? #justsaying

He also mentioned how Davina would shut down and how that would make his defense mechanisms go up and shut down as well.

The main theme with both is, they were not willing to budge or make a sacrifice in their relationship. And while the “experts” felt they were a perfect match, clearly both were not ready to make a real commitment to any kind of relationship. But they sure looked good on camera didn’t they…? #justsaying

Dr. Levkoff mentioned out the six weeks they were together they spent 10 to 16 days of that together. So they failed the experiment, not the other way around. Hmm?

Moving on to Jessica and Ryan who if anyone remembers the heated arguments they had together. I think Jessica spent more time berated by Ryan while she said there and cried about how she was afraid to express herself.

I can relate to that on MANY levels. No joke. When I was with my ex, I barely said a word sometimes in our arguments. Sometimes, yes, it can be quite intimidating but let’s be real here now….was Ryan really ready to be committed in a marriage? I don’t think so. Probably the worst match to date. I’m sorry but finding common grounding like they both have the same career path, similar childhood and/or lifestyle, doesn’t make a perfect match. Does it help? Yes, I certainly don’t dispute that. However, it’s not the ends all that says all, this is the perfect relationship because our panel of experts said so.

Noticing the whole time, Dr. Levkoff had not one smile on her face. Happy that Jessica was able to find her own voice, but really, through verbal abuse? That’s not finding your own voice. What was wrong with her before… where she needed to be in an abusive relationship to find her voice? Unheard of!

I’m confused.

While Kevin asks where are they now in their relationship, Jessica admits after the six weeks, Ryan needed a break and moved back to his place where they can get some breathing space. I don’t know. This doesn’t sound like a couple who were happy and in love. Oh wait was it the part where he called her all sorts of names when she accused him of taking the $100.

She also claimed on Valetine’s day they did not spend the day together but after visiting his apartment a week or so later, she found a card from another women dated this year. True or not I think anyone would find that quite disturbing, even when confronted by Ryan, he didn’t dispute someone sent him a card, but he said he had no control over who sends him greeting cards.

Okay, I can buy that. It’s true, you can’t control who sends you shit in the mail. For all we know it could have been some jealous girl or ex girlfriend who didn’t like that Ryan got married to someone else and probably believes she can be more fulfilling than Jessica.

Whatever the case is, I was surprised at the season finale they decided to stay together. This was not a compatible couple at all!

When both together sitting on the couch, Jessica brings up the $100 thing again and whips out a crisp one hundred dollar bill and gives it to him as he storms off the set. He didn’t want to answer if he was seeing someone else (he probably was and he doesn’t have to answer), but I also think that Kevin Frazier, who’s a terrible host, didn’t help the situation by asking him the question which only made him upset. Hello Kevin, did you not watch the show. The guy explodes at the drop of a dime. There’s a way to ask certain uncomfortable questions without being an ass about it. Everyone wants the inside scoop but you can’t be a jerk about it.

Needless to say, it was clear this relationship was a fail. It was so bad, you almost forgot why the “experts” paired them up in the first place.

Last but not least, Jaclyn and Ryan (who Kevin said was the nation’s favorite couple) – I missed that memo Kevin, you think you can pass the tip off to my marketing department. SMH.

Jaclyn who was single and abstinent for more than seven years was paired up with Ryan who she was not initially attracted to.  But somehow they really seemed to make it work, at least in the beginning. Jaclyn is a very straight forward woman and when you’re single, for a long time, sometimes those walls can come up and it’s not easy to open up to someone. I wouldn’t have suggested this at all to someone who’s been single for a long time to have their life uprooted and changed for a complete stranger.

Ryan’s interview was short, he talked about the great relationship Jaclyn has with his mom but when both paired up on the couch and Kevin asked them if they were still together, the answer was no.

I was surprised. They seemed to really want to work things out but like everyone else, I think they couldn’t wait to get away from the other person and go back to their comfortable life. While they both expressed they still had feelings for one another, Dr. Levkoff suggested they go have dinner and she’ll pay for it.

Of course she would….why not? The experts are trying to save face here people.

All of these relationships were doomed from the start.

Sean had no plans moving out from Jersey to move into cluttered Manhattan. Davina wasn’t moving out from an apartment she bought in the city and in some ways who can blame her. People are going to love Manhattan or not.

Ryan and Jessica have individual issues they need to settle as individuals and not as a couple. They both like to spite each other and in my book that’s not a real or even healthy relationship. I’m sure anyone can agree on that. Who wants to be fighting all the time?

As for Ryan and Jaclyn, it may work but then again it may not. I think if it was going to work maybe a kind of courtship can help, like dating and talking and not just jumping into bed right away. Sex is good but it’s not always the solution. It’s just a temporary, feel good, for the moment action. You still have to deal with the person on a day to day basis after and will they be willing to do that?

I can say this. After watching this horrendous season, I would be surprised if Season 3 turns out to be a success.

As for the experts, they are just part of the show. Maybe the producers will find looks will not make the show but to have interesting people who are willing to make this sacrifice to get a real discussion going on.

One thing they do need to do is get rid of Kevin Frasier and put me up there as the host after the season is over. I will take it a better level. Move over Kevin.

A real talk show host is waiting to take your spot.

me with mic

#TheBachelorette – E7 – Sex in Ireland @kaitlynbristowe @viallnicholas28 @chrisbharrison

ian confronting kaitlynWe left off on E6 with arrogant Ian calling Kaitlyn all sorts of names in his “monotone” voice calling her shallow and a surface person, all because there was no connection between them.

Ian seems very confused on what he saw on television with Kaitlyn and what he met he met in real life because she’s making out with other guys and not with him. I mean let’s call it what it is…the man is upset because Kaitlyn is not into him.

Using terms like, “surface level’, and wanting to be “plowed by Chris Soules”, is just fucking low class. So if he wanted to leave he should have just said look it’s not working out for me, see you later, instead he went on the attack.

“Ian, my friend, take the hit like a man and walk off with your head up high instead of up your ass.”

Ian left on a very sour note and made it worse for himself when he made the comment in the limo how he was going to have sex. Well good for him. Seems he needs a dick up in his ass to follow. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. BTW the last thing ABC wants to do is have Ian as the Bachelor. This would be a BIG mistake and any woman who would want a man like this is suffering from some serious low self esteem issues. Stay far away from this one.

ian in limo

I think this whole scenario left Kaitlyn speechless because her looks said it all and if she defended herself honestly to Ian, there would have been more bleeping in Bachelor history next to the insignificant rose to Justin when Nick came on to the scene.

After Ian’s departure, Nick was there to comfort her and while Shawn was looking for her, he just happened to catch them in a making out session, just as earlier he saw her making out with Joe. While the process is shitty, the fact of the matter is, in real life, would anyone see another person making out with them…no. This just happens to be an open dating scene where everyone gets to see and know everything that’s going on in the other relationships. That’s why it’s The Bachelor.

So with Ian being gone does that mean that Joshua was spared?

062215-kaitlynroseceremony the alamoThe guys and Kaitlyn head over to The Alamo for the rose ceremony which goes as follows:

Jared, Cupcake Chris, JJ (Why????), Joe, Ben Z., Tanner. The guys that went home were Justin and Joshua which was to be expected. So Joshua was not saved from the Ian departure; however I’m not sure why she kept JJ or even Tanner for that matter. The times of Bachelor sure have changed and while the rules still apply about waiting till the end to disclose any feelings, sometimes not all the roses will be given out.

The last of the guys standing now for the next round of dates: Shawn, Nick, Ben H., Jared, Cupcake, JJ, Joe, Ben Z. and Tanner.

I was happy to see the Queen off.

Their next stop Chris Harrison announces is Dublin, Ireland and while they’re cheering, outside of the mansion shows and upset and hurt Joshua listening to the  cheers coming from inside. Boo hoo.

Now in Dublin, Kaitlyn walks in to greet the guys and she’s the date card to tell the guys who’s going on the first one on one date with her…I’m sure it’s Nick.

Surprise….

kaitlyn and nick in dublinOn the date with Nick they walked around the town of Dublin, taking in the sites. Just seeing how Nick is with Kaitlyn, he seems the ideal guy, almost too good to be true kind of a guy. (I may have said the same exact for the Andi season.) Can a guy be really that sweet and loving? Thinking back in the Andy season he’s definitely different but he still has that swag. Quite honestly I can watch him all day. It makes me forget there are other guys waiting at the hotel for a date card. I also think their relationship is right where it’s supposed to be like any new relationship you should be making out and grinding all the time!

Back at the hotel, the date card arrives, with a riddle from Chris Harrison and the attendees as follows:  Tanner, Ben Z., Shawn, Jared, Ben H. and Cupcake Chris, which leave the two on one date with Joe and JJ. Now this can go either way. Either Kaitlyn will pick Joe and can JJ OR they both leave. Either way, one of them is going and I believe Kaitlyn will be saying goodbye to JJ and then he can be free to be with Clint.

Back on the date with Kaitlyn and Nick, it’s now nightfall in Dublin, dinner time was spent with a lot of kissing and of course no hesitation on Nick accepting the rose and no long speeches from Kaitlyn before she gave it to him. Not wanting the date to end, she asks him if he wants to come back to her room, “yeah”. Why would Nick say no to that? Realizing this is the episode she has sex with Nick being all of the promos gave you the heads up about that. We just wasn’t sure it happened with Nick and where it would happen.

kaitlyn and nick in hotel room dublinAnd no time is wasted when they go into her room and you hear the sheets rustling, the heaving breathing and the kissing. The rest was left to our imagination as the camera person in the room was picking up the sound from behind the door.

I think Chris Harrison was right, this is the most dramatic season of the Bachelorette. What I thought was going to be boring, Nick just bought it home. Reminds me so much of Andi season. It would have been such a snoozefest without Nick being there and making women feel like women. Yum yum!

And while Shawn is upset by the mere fact that Nick is with Kaitlyn and that he didn’t get a one on one date, I don’t think anyone noticed Nick didn’t come back to his room. Not quite sure how the set up was with the room stay, I’m sure all the guys had their own room (not like ABC can’t afford it). Usually the guys are still up waiting to hear what happened on the date, so they should have noticed when he didn’t come back, even with separate rooms.

kaitlyn on balcony in dublinThe next day, while Kaitlyn doesn’t blatantly admit that she had sex with him (could it be the glow on her face gave it away), she did mention in her interview it wasn’t the act that made her feel guilty it was more feeling guilty about the other guys who are there and she doesn’t want them to know what happened. While she was on the balcony talking to one of the producers, her attitude changed from glowing to sheer terror at the fear of any of the guys finding out what she did, most likely Shawn only because she has a connection with him that noticeably is not with the other guys.

The next day while Nick was sharing his date, I’m watching the intense scene play out in the hopes that Nick doesn’t open up his big mouth and Joe didn’t help when he mentioned how Shawn has extra time with Kaitlyn recently. That comment only seemed to make Nick talk more so he can throw jabs at Shawn.

For the group date, here was something that’s been never done before. Kaitlyn played dead for an Irish wake so the guys can each share their moments and/or experience in remembrance of Kaitlyn – the only one who took it seriously was Ben Z. due to his mom passing when he was a teenager. He asked the guys to give them a moment and left them both alone so he can share his feelings, vividly upset and when he wanted to make it light hearted as he mentioned in his interview. His feelings superseded the jokes and he said exactly how he felt.

kaitlyn irsh wake bachelorette

After the Irish wake they meet at the Guinness Storehouse where she greets all the guys with a rose on the table waiting to be handed out for the group date. Poor Ben Z, he seems so lost in the shuffle right now. He pulled Kaitlyn aside to talk more about the whole Irish wake thing but I think this is just a relationship lost. I don’t see anything happening here. It’s pretty much done and it’s sad because he seems like such a great guy but this is not a couple that should be together.

As for Kaitlyn and Jared, I almost feel like every time he’s with her, he has his face in hers. Like give the girl some air dude. I feel like when I’m watching him I’m left wondering, when was the last time he had a girlfriend.  Kaitlyn mentions in her interview that the last time she saw Jared he mentioned he was falling in love with her which she thought was really nice….if that’s not an indicator that she’s not feeling the same way, I’m not sure what is. I can’t even watch him kissing her. He reminds me of a fish.

kaitlyn_shawn jealousShawn is still harping on her date with Nick showing clear jealousy looming over his head like a halo looming over a saint. I’m not sure at this point if anyone suspects Kaitlyn had sex with Nick but I have a feeling it will come out somehow. And he takes full advantage of his one on one time, instead of focusing on Nick with his one on one time with her, he shares pictures of his family and shares a little bit of his life with her, which is the right thing to do. The last thing anyone wants on a date is to talk about another person which is what Queen Joshua did that’s why he’s not there anymore.

With the rose on the table, Kaitlyn decides to give Jared the rose….huh? After all that Shawn share with her?

Really she wants to spend the rest of the evening with Fish? I can’t.

Now here’s where she wasted a good rose after giving the rose to Jared the Fish they share a moment with none other than The Cranberries!!!!!! Having Shawn miss out on the perfect moment????? So wrong, wrong, wrong!

The-Bachelorette-the-cranberries

It’s crazy how the guys are sitting there wondering what the fuck did Jared do that they didn’t do. Believe me, I’m wondering the same damn thing.

Shawn is clearly having a hard time with the whole process, pulls one of the producers aside and says to him that he can’t do it anymore. It’s become too much for him and he goes to her hotel room to confront her and find out what is going on….

The drama continues next week.

PS: I need a Nick in my life who will kiss me just like that! LOL

nick and kaitlyn

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