The Bachelor Farmer Chris Soules E2 @c_soules

While everyone is celebrating at the rose ceremony that they’ve surpassed the first of the wars of the roses, yoga teacher Kimberly was speaking off camera and walks away back to the house to fetch Chris to give her a chance. Chris who seems to be the most kind, goes outside to talk to her all the while the girls are having a cow and suddenly becoming possessive of him. Because there are certain “rules” (and I use the term loosely) Farmer Chris goes back to Chris Harrison to have a conversation with him regarding Kimberly.
While he thought this may be unconventional, he decided to give her a chance. I mean he did give Tara the drunk a chance why not someone who flew from the East Coast who didn’t behave like an ass.
Needless to say, he did give her a chance while she anticipated a rose for the next ceremony. So in other words she was allowed to stay even though she didn’t have a rose.
Quite unconventional you might ask. Remember when Chris Bukowski came by surprise to meet Andi and Chris Harrison stopped him practically at the foot of the hill where is located telling him he could not meet Andi. Even while telling Andi to give her the “option”, he made sure Bukowski wasn’t even given a chance after Chris Harrison threw him under the bus. We all know why Chris Harrison was extremely protective of Andi, he liked her. And I wouldn’t be surprised that he was secretly jumping for joy when the announcement came out when Andi and Josh broke up. I mean really. Josh was not a catch at all and we all know the reason why Andi choose him, not only was she attracted to him, we always want something that doesn’t want us. Isn’t that the ways of relationships? (“Yes please”)
The next day, after all of the Kimberly “save”, Chris Harrison meets up with the girls to talk to them about the “rules”. He lets them know Chris living in the house down the driveway urges them to get as much time as they can with him that there are no rules.

Now we all know what that means….we will find a lot of these girls sneaking out to see him especially if he’s had other dates and they didn’t have one on one time with him. Even knowing this of course there will be backlash because that’s just the nature of this show.
After his spiel, he drops off the first date card which the first of the group dates and the attendees are as follows:
Jade, Tandra, Ashley, McKenzie, Kimberly, and Tara.
Now this is Kimberly’s opportunity to get to know Chris within a small group setting and the option to win a rose. Some girls expressed their discontentment that Kimberly gets to go out on this date which they shouldn’t be upset that is the whole point. However, I  can understand because if Kimberly gets a rose and they don’t, it has nothing to do with who is on the date but the chemistry that is generating on each date.
The girls are taken to TenTen Wilshire where the date card had said show me your country.  So basically it’s a pool party and how convenient they all have the bikini underneath their clothes.
Being bold, Kimberly pulls him aside and suggest that they start all over again like a first meeting and oh how cute, Chris gets up and walks into the room where she is and acts like he’s meeting her for the first time.
While the group date is going on, two of the girls decided to go to Chris’s house to see what the house looks like.
One of the girls puts Chris’s helmet on to test it out and she bangs her head in the wall, on the fridge and on the wood wall, she’s an idiot.
Back at the group date, they ladies and Chris all leave the pool party in their bikini’s walking down LA streets, over to a set of tractor-trailers which means that not only are they going to ride these in their bikinis, clearly this was going to be a contest of some sort.
Tara, our drunken country girl was super excited, as she is purely convinced that this man is going to be her husband and expresses how lucky she was to have received a rose due to she felt she was skating on thin ice thanks to her inebriated escapade during the rose ceremony.
And the race begins! But guess what? What I’m sure the girls did not expect, these tractors are snails and the first girl to the finish line wins one on one time with Farmer Chris.
Ashley I. ended up winning the race, the freelance journalist from Wayne New Jersey and you can tell that she’s from Jersey because of all the heavy make up around her eyes and the way she wears her hair and the way she talks. Anyone who watches the Housewives of New Jersey, you can hear her accent from three thousand miles away.
Now here’s my take on Ashley. This girl is not a good fit for him at all. She’s not realistic in her goals of what she believes a relationship should be. She’s also a virgin. Not that that’s anything that should be held against her, but her lack of experience and her youth will have her looking for more dick once she gets a taste of it. Believe me when I tell you, we are all creatures of habit. One dick experience will not be enough.
 Meanwhile back at the house all the girls are waiting for the next date card, Juelia is talking to the other ladies about what she plans on sharing with Farmer Chris. The first being she has a daughter, Ireland, and second that her child’s father killed himself not too long after their child was born. And now the waterworks begins.
So while she’s busy crying through the telling of the story, she brings up a point on how she feels obligated to tell Farmer Chris and this is what makes this show “sensational”.
The whole dramatic aspect of, “I have to tell a guy certain things so that it’s not a secret or I have to spill my guts”, the bottom line is in real life nobody feels the need to spill their guts all in one shot, but because this is reality TV this is what they’re told to say to make it good. Clearly, and in all respect for Juelia, this is not a person who’s prepared to be in a relationship. Death of a spouse is a big deal and while people move on with their lives as one should, the waterworks were too heavy for me to believe that this woman is prepared to be in a serious relationship and uproot her life to another state with her child. What are they going to do? Discuss her dead husband to a child that will never know her father?
Meanwhile, Ashley I. and Chris are spending some time together because she won the tractor-trailer race. I don’t think that there’s any chemistry between Chris and Ashley I. She seems to be forcing herself on Chris and her kisses seem unnatural. Not only is she a virgin but she does not know the art of kissing. This wasn’t a traditional one on one more like she won the race so she had uncharted time without disruptions.
Chris expressed his feelings in regards to the awkward situation of the group date with the six girls and he wanted to finish off the night dating one girl that that girl ended up being McKenzie. Surprise, surprise! Did Ashely I. think this was going to be her magical night as she was sent packing back the mansion with the rest of the girls? The season is being set to expect the unexpected.
Now the five girls that are left on the group date are left sitting and not very happy but no rose has been given out…yet.  Tara, who got a reprieve, seems to be taking this extremely difficult clearly this is a woman who has broken heart issues and takes everything literally.
Ashley I. was hoping to get the rest of the evening with him but I knew that wasn’t going to happen because he just doesn’t seem in to her and she seems too forceful.
Chris, now alone with his one to one with McKenzie, finds himself engaged in weird conversations, like how she said she likes guys with big noses then she asked him if he believes in aliens. I’m sure that now he sitting there regretting he picked for the date. This is the same girl who has a child and she’s a child herself…isn’t she 21 years old?
Nevertheless, Chris feels they have a lot in common, especially after she discusses on having a son, being a single mom and for some odd reason he ends up giving her a rose so for right now he’s clueless and I think it’s okay because usually the first date never outlives the rest of the season.
A new date card comes in and it’s for Megan and she’s thinking it’s a note card or a love note card I don’t understand some women in here. Hello!!! When a date card comes in with your name it means you’re going out on a date. Sheesh.
As the episode wears on, McKenzie’s shares her date with the other ladies and admits that she got the first kiss. Little does anyone know that on that first night of meeting Britt actually got the first kiss.
Chris comes over to pick up Megan for their one-on-one date and of course all the girls are very giddy and beside themselves. What a lot of the girls don’t understand usually the girls that go on a date early on usually miss out later on because a connection could build up much stronger where he will lose interest and pursue the most current. At least this is what has been apparent season after season.
They drive to an airport where there’s a small aircraft waiting for them heading to I’m not sure where.
The plane lands in Las Vegas and from there they jet on a helicopter to the Grand Canyon’s breath taking views where a picnic awaits them. Let us remind ourselves that The Bachelor series will feature all of these trips with views to die for where anyone can be infatuated easily. It’s the survival of the relationship when they can live in real life with no cameras following them.
While sharing a meal Megan goes on to tell Chris three days after she had received a phone call from the bachelor casting people her father had passed away and it just makes me think how much drama these women have. The casting agency must know all of their dramatic stuff so that they could put it in the forefront and this is probably why the fatality rate of the relationship is higher than it being successful and finding less needy women who are 25 and thinking if they don’t get married and have children within a three year span all will be lost and they will be regarded as a failure.
I remember in the in the fourth season of the Bachelor with Bob Guiney. Right down to the wire, Meredith gets a call that one of her family members passed away. Now through no fault of her own, Bob Guiney was not prepared to handle such devastation, let alone still in the process of getting to know here and the three other women that were left. Because of this he ended up sending her home, advising her that it was best that she’d be with her family.
Chris goes into a similar spiel that he gave McKenzie and asked her if she will accept the rose that he had for her and of course she does. No one will turn down a rose in this joint. LOL
The group date card arrives and the names are as follows:
Kelsey, Trina, Alyssa, Tracie, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashlee S, Juelia, Kaitlyn and Britt. Date card reads “till us death do us part”.
Later that evening, the limo pulled into what looks like a dilapidated building it’s a very dark and they’re basically in the middle of nowhere.
All of the sudden zombies appear around the limo basically scaring the shit out of all of them which was pretty funny and then Chis opens the car door. They look so petrified that one of them took a drink before she headed out of the car was hilarious.
The game they are about to play is paintball and the target are zombies. They have to split into teams and I’m gathering the team that wins is the one that gets to spend time with him.
Ashley starts getting technical because she thinks that you have to shoot your selves and not the zombies I’m not sure why she’s on the show. I wasn’t sure what to make of this zombie hunt and Ashley is walking around like the terminator which probably now makes sense thinking back on this episode. I guess we all would want to know how a woman will react with a “gun” in her hand. If not it seems it’s all about the frree alcohol because that’s what the focus seems to be.
 Kaitlyn, the dancer, had some one-on-one time with Chris talking about the breakdancing and the dancing that they did in etc. etc. she goes in to talk about her last relationship and how she lived out of the country and Chris feeling like wow she does great smart and sassy girl what would she want with me etc. etc. and then they go and kiss. He seems to be kissing everybody now.
I think Ashley forgot to take her medication and he definitely made a mistake picking her over the yoga teacher. And as the dates continue, Ashley seems to be all over the place. I don’t know if the whole situation has gotten the better of her (if there is a better), while Chris was in the middle of interviewing she comes in and she starts talking to him and he seems concerned. I’m left confused watching this debacle because I don’t know if she’s acting or there’s something quite not right with this woman. Chris says that she’s a unique girl it’s more like uniquely crazy.
Britt, who pulled him aside, has made it a point to keep the relationship alive from their first kiss on the first episode but when he hands out the rose he gives it to Kaitlyn.

Within the second cocktail party the girls are asking who has roses so far it’s McKenzie, Kaitlyn and Megan, leaving the rest of the ladies anxious because they don’t want to go home, name Kimberly who did not receive a rose on the initial group date.

Whitney who’s banking on a rose gives him a bottle of whiskey so that he would have some recollection of who she is and telling him that she is looking forward to building a journey with him.
These are notes I made while watching: Ashley I is a virgin. When she pulls Chris’s side to talk to him, her conversations remain to be seen, when all she wants to do is kiss which she doesn’t seem to be doing very well. I don’t know, but that was probably one of the worst and awkward kisses I’ve ever seen in my life. Don’t know why Britt is crying as far as I’m concerned she has nothing to worry about I don’t think that Ashley I is going to last very long, Jordan, also continues to make a fool out of herself too. I’m not sure why these girls are crying like they just invested a lifetime with Farmer Chris and this is only episode two. Makes me wonder what they are really crying about…is it Chris or the mere fact they won’t be on television.
And the roses goes to! Rose ceremony number two:
Britt
Ashley I.
Trina
Kelsey
Samantha
Juelia (for some reason Jillian who was standing in front of Juelia tripped and then busted out laughing)
Amber
Tracy
Jillian
Jade
Nikki
Becca
Carly
Whitney
Chris ends up giving the final rose to crazy Ashley S. and not to Kimberly the yoga teacher which makes me wonder what the fuck is going on in the Farmer’s mind.

The most notable who did not get a rose:
Tara is beside herself in tears.
Jordan gave him a very unusual bro hug like “see ya around”.
Kimberly, who didn’t make a beeline back to house, is not coming back this time.
I think the idea to this show is very sad because you watch these women walking away hysterical crying thinking that it was them who did something wrong and most times it’s not.
As for Kimberly, I’m not sure why Farmer Chris would opt out of choosing her and keeping Ashley S. The woman is not all there and clearly there’s no connection, other than her “crazy” is good for television.
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Welcome to the Red Carpet Event….wha…? The Bachelor Season 19

Welcome to the Red Carpet Event….wha…?
Who: Chris Soules from Arlington Iowa is the next bachelor due to not being chosen from last season’s bachelorette he became a popular bachelor and owns a six thousand acre  land. Chris appeared in the Andi season and became a fan favorite. I called him Farmer Chris on my wordspress blog which Chris Harrison adopted.
The opening of The Bachelor with the live red carpet event, for me was a step too far.
I felt that I was forced to watch something that was so completely unnecessary. I was not happy when I looked at my DVR and saw the bachelor was three hours I said to myself, ‘three hours of what?”
Sean and Catherine showed up to the red carpet along with Deanna and her husband when you have all of these people coming out of the limo like they are someone famous and they’re not. These are single people who have continuously made for names of themselves on television when it comes to dating what people do in private we have seen them displayed on the show.
Chris Harrison interviews Sean and Catherine basically nosing in on their relationship asking about when they plan on having babies which I think is rather personal but that is personal for anybody not just for people who have displayed looking for love on TV.
Moving forward Chris interviews Marcus and Lacy who met on the Bachelor in Paradise show and ended up falling in love and getting engaged rather quickly. They talked about having a wedding in the summertime but no date has been proposed yet.They go on to introduce some of the girls that will meet Farmer Chris starting with Britt from Los Angeles, rather pretty, she’s a waitress. She went on to discuss her last relationship, that she did not have sex at all and that she benefited from the relationship by appreciating who he was without the physical aspect. Apparently she gives out free hugs.
Jillian from D.C is 25 and she’s a national news producer. OMG this girl is fierce she was lifting the only weights definitely a training type of a girl can’t see her with Chris because she is too much out there.
Amanda 24 from Lake in the Hills Illinois she’s A ballerina instructor. In her interview she says she lives with her mom, she likes not having to pay bills and not cooking and not doing much of anything. Clearly not a woman design for Chris who’s an active farmer. I don’t think he will appreciate having a partner who’s lazy.
Whitney, a fertility nurse is 29 years old from Chicago Illinois. She helps couples who are struggling to have babies.  Being a nurse and being a fertility nurse seems just about right for Chris.
McKenzie, 21 is too young. I don’t know what she does but she already has a child who she named after a vegetable Kale.
Moving on to flight attendant Alyssa, 24 from New Jersey and cute she seems like the right girl for him.
Kelsey, 28, lives in Austin Texas and a school counselor is a widow for year and four months. Her husband was walking to work when his heart just stopped. Clearly emotional about this death, after all it was her husband, someone she was building a life with makes me question if she is a good candidate for someone who is looking to settle down. She’s very pretty and has a great body and seems really upbeat. Looks like from the coming attractions, she’s a contender.
Cutting back to the bachelor premiere on this useless red carpet Chris Harrison interviews and Andi and her big headed pick Josh who was not a fan favorite at all at least not for me. I’m not sure where Chris Harrison’s head is that he actually believes that these people walk down the street and they have the paparazzi chasing after them. They seemed really lovey dovey. The whole time Andi and Josh were talking to Chris Harrison, she was massaging Josh’s back. I thought to myself, “Wow maybe there is something there after all.” – (this was before I found out just the other day (Thursday. Jan 8th they broke up – more comments here)
I guess the useful thing about this red carpet was the Break up with Juan Pablo and Nikki because she was the most hated woman in the Juan Pablo season.
Chris Harrison had asked her about what was going through her mind the night that they reunited after the final Rose and how she seem to spill out or her emotions and Juan Pablo did not.
She talked about how it’s hard to have a relationship in the public eye and while she felt comfortable with expressing her feelings in public display and he did not, she stated she was fine with that because she knew that going into the relationship with him. And at the end of the day she chose to stand by him whether or not he displayed affection.
She also stated their break up was because of their careers and living in two different states. Even though they tried to make an effort to make the relationship work it did not. It was more of they had different priorities and different lifestyles. Chris asked her that even though they had different priorities was she a priority and Juan Pablo’s life and I could see the discomfort in her face when he was asking her that question.
She went on to say that she knew that she was not the number one priority in his life that place is for his daughter.  They are just different people but aspiring to accomplish different things which I think is bullshit.
I think he wasn’t into her like she thought he was or maybe he just wanted her to be something else that she was not. Chris also asked did she feel that he was in love with her and she said yes that she felt he was at some point but it just was too late to work things out as a couple.
 How she felt about the backlash when Chris pointed out about what the media outlets were saying about her, Nikki says that even though she did sign up for it, nothing  prepared her for the things that people had said about her. If she had seriously watched herself with an open mind, perhaps she wouldn’t have liked herself either.
As for JP, I believe he wasn’t into anyone and he was just playing along with what the producers either may have wanted or he just didn’t want to be another Brad Womack, who eventually chose no one and became the most hated man in Bachelor history.
Nikky did admit that Juan Pablo did tell her that he loved her in private and insisted that he really was a good person despite of what was depicted on national TV.
I don’t know, if it’s reality television how much more unreal can you be?

The Bachelorette – Episode Five – Whose Intentions Are Real

The Bachelorette – Episode 5 – Who’s Intentions Are Sincere

The dates have now moved to France.

Andi meets up with Chris and he puts her in the “hot seat” and asks her if she’s in love. Clearly she is but says she’s in love with more than one guy.

I don’t know. Infatuation is more like it.

Unfortunately the one on one date is with arrogant Josh who thinks he’s the best thing since slice bread.

He discussed being chosen for the one on one in an extremely presumptuous tone while Andi only expresses concerns over his background the type of guy he is and how that was her type but it never worked out.

What makes her think that Josh will be different?

While they are smooching it up the date card arrives.

The group date as follows: Marcus, Dylan, Chris, Cody, Marguel, JJ, Nick, Patrick, Andrew

While on the date with Josh, here’s the one thing I don’t get…she says she’s afraid that the relationship may be solely physical. Really? The guy is not good looking at all.

So back and forth as the television goes, JJ and Marquios are engaged in a conversation about something JJ claims he heard Andrew say that, “blackie got a rose”.

First off I find it hard to believe that something like this happen. I think ABC should be ashamed of themselves by inviting racist comments into the show. They are already being accused of being racist…why? Well look at every Bachelor and Bachelorette of the show. And we had one Latin but he was from Brazil or wherever he was from…the fact is this is America. Latin is regarded as Puerto Rican or Mexican, and Black is regarded as the American Black person. If the producers chose a black person from London with a British accent, the person is British, it’s not the same.  So yeah shame on ABC. I thought Marquios was a pretty cool guy but we all knew he wasn’t going to last. It’s just the way of the show. I just think it’s fucked up that Marqual couldn’t just be a great guy, we had to go ahead and invite color. SMH

I think the things Marquios said were quite disturbing but the reality is, that’s the way people view this show. I think if ABC would make anything right, let’s make Marquios the next Bachelor…why the fuck not?

As for Andrew, he’s just a jerk all around. I have no words for a pretentious jerk. When Josh was yelling at him about how he’s there for the right reasons and that he didn’t appreciate Andrew getting a number from another girl, he might was well been yelling in a mirror because Andrew and Josh are in the the same.

I had to force myself to watch their date and listen to him drone on about a story on how a girl cheated on him. Boy he sure seemed hurt and affected by that….His story was just as phony as the next counterfeit criminal.

Enough of them.

The group date was another laugh while the men made fools of themselves as Mimes. What else is there to discuss?

Oh wait the argument that Barnacle Cody had with Nick because Nick is over confident that he will wind up with Andy. I mean look Barnacle Cody was there for entertainment purposes only. He was an idiot from the start and there was no way Andi was going to take him on any home town date. If he thought that then he’s stupid.

Farmer Chis had comments to say about Nick and well as Barnacle when he had his one on one with Andi. #Wahbulance anyone?

And even though Andi confronts Nick, she sure didn’t have a problem finding her tongue in his mouth.

Marquious confront Andrew about the “blackie” comment but that’s not as relevant as going back to now Andi and Marcus making out on the couch.

Again going back to Andrew and Marquios I think this was just a low blow on getting ratings. Bravo to ABC….SMH.

But if JJ did make up that story, he is just fucked up across the board to make up something like that. If that was his way of staying there, that was a jackass move. But then again he looks like a jackass so perhaps it came natural for him.

At the end of the group date JJ the Jackass gets the rose.

On the one on one date with boring Brian, Andi finds out the he’s not comfortable in the kitchen. They make a terrible dinner which only leads them to a restaurant where she ends up giving him a rose. I had to do the short version so I won’t fall asleep writing about this dude.

At the Rose Ceremony, Andi has a conversation with Chris and tells him that she does not need a cocktail party and decides to move forward to cutting three guys.

My guess as I was watching was Barnacle Cody, Marquios and Andrew.

Final roses handed out:

Marcus, Nick, Farmer Chris, Dylan, and Barnacle Cody (fuck me)

Who went home: Andrew, Patrick and Marquios

More coming soon!

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

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Didn’t Ask for a Hero

Since I went and opened by big mouth on my break up I found there were lots of losers who were standing in line to date me.

“But Marabelle for real why are yet losers”

Mostly all of the men that have asked me out are currently in relationships. Oh wait, “it’s complicated”.

Why on earth?

Where are the men that respect their women enough to say its not working.

Men who believe they relate to my pain will find themselves in my bed fucking me will live that fantasy for the rest of the lives. What a lot of people don’t know and will know now I can go for long periods of abstinence. I don’t have to have sex. Especially in this day and age where no one cleans themselves properly. I’m a bit of a germaphob. Well a lot. So most men gross me out.

Here’s just a short list of unacceptable qualities: broken teeth, extreme of being overweight where you can’t breath, I don’t want a muscle man but you have to be some what fit, rude behavior, too serious, quick to anger definitely a big NO.

The one thing I see that disturbs most men that they too have is called preference.

I only date white guys. I have zero interested in other races. Not even my own kind.

Sounds harsh doesn’t it? But it’s true. Men do it all the time but they don’t have the balls to say it out loud. If they do they will just be regarded as more than just a dog.

There will always be a “war”, if you will, between men and women with relationships and break ups. But….there will always be love.

We must all believe the right one is out there. I do believe that. I’m also not a fool like most men I’ve encountered think I am.

I’m not available for sex because a man wants to say they had sex with Marabelle Blue.

I’m also not available to slimy men who’s ulterior motives are to try and win me through my business. I’ve dedicated my life to my magazine and while maybe it has cost me to find my one true love it will never take away or lower the standards of what I look for in man.

So men if you’re in a relationship that’s not working its time to be honest with the one you love and yourself.

Rebound is never an answer or the answer. Respect yourself an people will respect you back.

I have made my sacrifices in past relationships that are noted in my autobiography (I hope you love my book).

But today some of those sacrifices I probably won’t live again because of the emotional toll.

My first and foremost importance is to remain happy. Not find happiness. Happiness or being happy should always be a part of your life and if its not ask yourself why. Then….

Change it.

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,
MB~

PS: Guys on FB stop emailing me asking me if I’m all right. LOL I don’t need your help for every post I put up.

A Month Later

So I have to say this first. My trip to Boston was the best. After more than a year long courtship Robert was everything and more in what I was looking for in a man.

I think the first mistake I made was posting our pic on Facebook. The demon of the demise of relationship.

When I left we were not stop talking to each other….on Facebook.

I wasn’t too happy about our form of communication. I have had better communication with married men. Needless to say I did my best until it got the better of me.

One day missing him terribly I wrote a note in a card and mailed it to him. The next day or so lingering around FB I noticed there was activity on his page. Thinking at some point I would hear from him I didn’t and exploded.

Why the fuck….

Of course the day he gets the lovey dovey card is the day he decides to log in and sees my explosive email, which leads into this argument and then the “demise” of our relationship. Why did I put demise in quotation marks….because I don’t believe our relationship is over. We’ve had this argument before and he didn’t talk to me for months and this was before we met.

How many times did I explain that FB is not the place to maintain any form of communication in a relationship.

How many times I made suggestions on different ways to contact me.

How many times have we gotten into someone writing on my wall I have no interest in but I make on inquiry about someone on his page and I’m dead wrong all the way with no way of redeeming myself.

Yes if you’re reading this and thinking, ” this is immature”, you’re right….it is.

Robert is younger than me. While people try to rectify his behavior by his age I just find that certain things don’t rely on age but the level of maturity one has.

I would have never ran out of patience because I loved him and yes he loved me too.

So while it sucks that we are in this cycle of immature tactics and behavior I’m feeling bitter, unhappy and depressed.

I was so happy with Robert and without him I am not. Is this what love is? I forgot. The last time I was in love was in 2008. And who I called Mountain Man in my Bravenet blog that was a deep love that took years to recover from. I wonder at times if I have.

My life is different since I broke up with Mountain Man. There’s no going back although I have had visions of running into him what would happen. Would those feelings creep back. God I hope not. Maybe it’s a good thing that after all of this time that I don’t ever see him again.

However with Robert I feel completely different. I feel like I’m one half. I am still a whole woman but I’m missing my partner. The one that made me believe in love again. His kisses right now are just a memory hoping that one day soon I get to kiss him again.

The last email I sent Robert I poured my heart out. He read it 4/20 with no response….

So…what else is there to say other than I’m not interested in any man. No one stands up. If anyone thinks its so easy to find someone it’s not. There are plenty of men that try to talk to me. None of which hold any candle to what I’m looking for in a man. There’s only one.

I’m sad, depressed and all those negative feelings that come with missing someone.

I’m not perfect. I know that. But I also know I don’t deserve the I love you one day and let’s be friends the next day.

I deserve better. Always.

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