The Fine Line of Paranoia vs. Reality

Ever sit with yourself and ponder about a situation you want to overcome?

You divide the pros and cons. The pros look outstanding but…your paranoia tells you different.

Or?

Is it reality?

What is the part of yourself do you listen to the most?

Your heart or your head?

When does the thought become so confusing you can’t tell which one from the other?

Am I over thinking it?

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Thoughts Aloud

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Every day is a new day but it seems as though I regress to the past.

Past thoughts about friends who I don’t speak to anymore, events that occurred or how things transpired after I made a decision about something and now wondering what if I had taken a different route.

I’m not sure why I’ve been thinking this way quite often more than usual.

I had a friend. I’ll call her S. for the purposes of anonymity. I thought about the time we took a road trip which started off in Portland, Oregon and end in Vegas. What supposed to be a two week trip ended up a week and a half because of her behavior, I couldn’t stay with her much longer.

S. was (and probably still is) a prescription addict. I knew something was wrong when she picked me up at the airport and I was greeted with by a skeletal friend, a far cry from the healthy person I used to know.

At the time she was rooming with a friend of her, who seemed like a really nice guy and even more generous to let her stay at his apartment and have her friend (me) stay there for a few days with my dog Lady.

The trip started off great, even though we didn’t stick to the original plan which was to drive straight to California. Without getting into the long shenanigans of the trip, while we were on the road, I discovered things about her which were completely unpleasant. And like me, it was hard to question or even suggest there may have been a problem.

I remember there was nights where we made stops at hotels where I would check on her to see if she was breathing. Needless to say, I did cut my trip short, and flew from Vegas back to New York.

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Me and my dog Lady in Portland, Oregon. She’s such a great companion. 

When I got back, I received an email from her “best friend” who inquired as to my early departure suspecting something was wrong. I disclosed things that happened on our trip I had witness I thought were quite disturbing and expressed my concerns since it seemed she respected only some of her friends who addressed her shadiness but with me that was a different story and I’m not quite sure why that is. I mean I’ve known the girl since early 1997.

After email exchanges and her long time friends addressing her addiction, somehow I was the one to blame. I was called a liar countless times on an email blast she sent to all her friends, never taking under consideration this wasn’t a bashing but more of I want you to live a long life. How many people have taken Valiums mixed with other drugs and alcohol, fell asleep and never woke up?

For some odd reason I was wrong. I was wrong in confronting the fact she had a drug problem. And the friendship ended.

Part of me feels indifferent, the other part of me cares, I guess for lack of a better word.

I think I still care than being indifferent about this situation. I has been seven years since this happened and while I benefited from the trip and gained exposure to the West part of the states, I’m still a bit sad things ended the way they did.

I did try to reach out to her a few years back as her email account was hacked and wanted to let her know. This began the whole argument again, this time, defending the one girl who started the inquiry in the first place. Of course they stayed friends. LOL.

Why am I saying all of this…I guess to write and to see and to say out loud as I have said countless times, there are people who you can know for a lifetime, it doesn’t mean they were meant to be your friend for a lifetime.

People change and evolve. I understand that, but, it’s almost like a relationship that ended without having a real and amicable ending. I will admit I’m bothered by the whole thing but I can’t deal with ignorant people who believe they are right and the rest of the world is wrong. I will always have a special place in my heart for her and pray for her well being.

I think it’s just sad the way shit happens and it sucks when sometimes you think of it and it still bothers you.

Until then,

Marabelle Blue~

 

#TheBachelorette – E7 – Sex in Ireland @kaitlynbristowe @viallnicholas28 @chrisbharrison

ian confronting kaitlynWe left off on E6 with arrogant Ian calling Kaitlyn all sorts of names in his “monotone” voice calling her shallow and a surface person, all because there was no connection between them.

Ian seems very confused on what he saw on television with Kaitlyn and what he met he met in real life because she’s making out with other guys and not with him. I mean let’s call it what it is…the man is upset because Kaitlyn is not into him.

Using terms like, “surface level’, and wanting to be “plowed by Chris Soules”, is just fucking low class. So if he wanted to leave he should have just said look it’s not working out for me, see you later, instead he went on the attack.

“Ian, my friend, take the hit like a man and walk off with your head up high instead of up your ass.”

Ian left on a very sour note and made it worse for himself when he made the comment in the limo how he was going to have sex. Well good for him. Seems he needs a dick up in his ass to follow. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. BTW the last thing ABC wants to do is have Ian as the Bachelor. This would be a BIG mistake and any woman who would want a man like this is suffering from some serious low self esteem issues. Stay far away from this one.

ian in limo

I think this whole scenario left Kaitlyn speechless because her looks said it all and if she defended herself honestly to Ian, there would have been more bleeping in Bachelor history next to the insignificant rose to Justin when Nick came on to the scene.

After Ian’s departure, Nick was there to comfort her and while Shawn was looking for her, he just happened to catch them in a making out session, just as earlier he saw her making out with Joe. While the process is shitty, the fact of the matter is, in real life, would anyone see another person making out with them…no. This just happens to be an open dating scene where everyone gets to see and know everything that’s going on in the other relationships. That’s why it’s The Bachelor.

So with Ian being gone does that mean that Joshua was spared?

062215-kaitlynroseceremony the alamoThe guys and Kaitlyn head over to The Alamo for the rose ceremony which goes as follows:

Jared, Cupcake Chris, JJ (Why????), Joe, Ben Z., Tanner. The guys that went home were Justin and Joshua which was to be expected. So Joshua was not saved from the Ian departure; however I’m not sure why she kept JJ or even Tanner for that matter. The times of Bachelor sure have changed and while the rules still apply about waiting till the end to disclose any feelings, sometimes not all the roses will be given out.

The last of the guys standing now for the next round of dates: Shawn, Nick, Ben H., Jared, Cupcake, JJ, Joe, Ben Z. and Tanner.

I was happy to see the Queen off.

Their next stop Chris Harrison announces is Dublin, Ireland and while they’re cheering, outside of the mansion shows and upset and hurt Joshua listening to the  cheers coming from inside. Boo hoo.

Now in Dublin, Kaitlyn walks in to greet the guys and she’s the date card to tell the guys who’s going on the first one on one date with her…I’m sure it’s Nick.

Surprise….

kaitlyn and nick in dublinOn the date with Nick they walked around the town of Dublin, taking in the sites. Just seeing how Nick is with Kaitlyn, he seems the ideal guy, almost too good to be true kind of a guy. (I may have said the same exact for the Andi season.) Can a guy be really that sweet and loving? Thinking back in the Andy season he’s definitely different but he still has that swag. Quite honestly I can watch him all day. It makes me forget there are other guys waiting at the hotel for a date card. I also think their relationship is right where it’s supposed to be like any new relationship you should be making out and grinding all the time!

Back at the hotel, the date card arrives, with a riddle from Chris Harrison and the attendees as follows:  Tanner, Ben Z., Shawn, Jared, Ben H. and Cupcake Chris, which leave the two on one date with Joe and JJ. Now this can go either way. Either Kaitlyn will pick Joe and can JJ OR they both leave. Either way, one of them is going and I believe Kaitlyn will be saying goodbye to JJ and then he can be free to be with Clint.

Back on the date with Kaitlyn and Nick, it’s now nightfall in Dublin, dinner time was spent with a lot of kissing and of course no hesitation on Nick accepting the rose and no long speeches from Kaitlyn before she gave it to him. Not wanting the date to end, she asks him if he wants to come back to her room, “yeah”. Why would Nick say no to that? Realizing this is the episode she has sex with Nick being all of the promos gave you the heads up about that. We just wasn’t sure it happened with Nick and where it would happen.

kaitlyn and nick in hotel room dublinAnd no time is wasted when they go into her room and you hear the sheets rustling, the heaving breathing and the kissing. The rest was left to our imagination as the camera person in the room was picking up the sound from behind the door.

I think Chris Harrison was right, this is the most dramatic season of the Bachelorette. What I thought was going to be boring, Nick just bought it home. Reminds me so much of Andi season. It would have been such a snoozefest without Nick being there and making women feel like women. Yum yum!

And while Shawn is upset by the mere fact that Nick is with Kaitlyn and that he didn’t get a one on one date, I don’t think anyone noticed Nick didn’t come back to his room. Not quite sure how the set up was with the room stay, I’m sure all the guys had their own room (not like ABC can’t afford it). Usually the guys are still up waiting to hear what happened on the date, so they should have noticed when he didn’t come back, even with separate rooms.

kaitlyn on balcony in dublinThe next day, while Kaitlyn doesn’t blatantly admit that she had sex with him (could it be the glow on her face gave it away), she did mention in her interview it wasn’t the act that made her feel guilty it was more feeling guilty about the other guys who are there and she doesn’t want them to know what happened. While she was on the balcony talking to one of the producers, her attitude changed from glowing to sheer terror at the fear of any of the guys finding out what she did, most likely Shawn only because she has a connection with him that noticeably is not with the other guys.

The next day while Nick was sharing his date, I’m watching the intense scene play out in the hopes that Nick doesn’t open up his big mouth and Joe didn’t help when he mentioned how Shawn has extra time with Kaitlyn recently. That comment only seemed to make Nick talk more so he can throw jabs at Shawn.

For the group date, here was something that’s been never done before. Kaitlyn played dead for an Irish wake so the guys can each share their moments and/or experience in remembrance of Kaitlyn – the only one who took it seriously was Ben Z. due to his mom passing when he was a teenager. He asked the guys to give them a moment and left them both alone so he can share his feelings, vividly upset and when he wanted to make it light hearted as he mentioned in his interview. His feelings superseded the jokes and he said exactly how he felt.

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After the Irish wake they meet at the Guinness Storehouse where she greets all the guys with a rose on the table waiting to be handed out for the group date. Poor Ben Z, he seems so lost in the shuffle right now. He pulled Kaitlyn aside to talk more about the whole Irish wake thing but I think this is just a relationship lost. I don’t see anything happening here. It’s pretty much done and it’s sad because he seems like such a great guy but this is not a couple that should be together.

As for Kaitlyn and Jared, I almost feel like every time he’s with her, he has his face in hers. Like give the girl some air dude. I feel like when I’m watching him I’m left wondering, when was the last time he had a girlfriend.  Kaitlyn mentions in her interview that the last time she saw Jared he mentioned he was falling in love with her which she thought was really nice….if that’s not an indicator that she’s not feeling the same way, I’m not sure what is. I can’t even watch him kissing her. He reminds me of a fish.

kaitlyn_shawn jealousShawn is still harping on her date with Nick showing clear jealousy looming over his head like a halo looming over a saint. I’m not sure at this point if anyone suspects Kaitlyn had sex with Nick but I have a feeling it will come out somehow. And he takes full advantage of his one on one time, instead of focusing on Nick with his one on one time with her, he shares pictures of his family and shares a little bit of his life with her, which is the right thing to do. The last thing anyone wants on a date is to talk about another person which is what Queen Joshua did that’s why he’s not there anymore.

With the rose on the table, Kaitlyn decides to give Jared the rose….huh? After all that Shawn share with her?

Really she wants to spend the rest of the evening with Fish? I can’t.

Now here’s where she wasted a good rose after giving the rose to Jared the Fish they share a moment with none other than The Cranberries!!!!!! Having Shawn miss out on the perfect moment????? So wrong, wrong, wrong!

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It’s crazy how the guys are sitting there wondering what the fuck did Jared do that they didn’t do. Believe me, I’m wondering the same damn thing.

Shawn is clearly having a hard time with the whole process, pulls one of the producers aside and says to him that he can’t do it anymore. It’s become too much for him and he goes to her hotel room to confront her and find out what is going on….

The drama continues next week.

PS: I need a Nick in my life who will kiss me just like that! LOL

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The Bachelorette E4 Bye Bye Kupah and Broke Back Clint @KaitlynBristowe @ChrisBHarrison

kaitlyn bKupah which the episode ended previous last week was the joke of the episode as he yelled like an idiot instead of just taking the rejection in stride.

As I had predicted the week before, now that Kupah was eliminated before the rose ceremony, that gave Tony another chance at what he believes to be a universal love.

Jared, who was beaten at the boxing match in the last episode was now concerned whether or not he was going to receive a rose, because he did admit that he voted for Britt to be the next Bachelorette.

Following in the tradition with farmer Chris and his season the rose ceremony now filters over to the next episode and the rose ceremony is as follows:  Jared, Ben H., Shawn, Jonathan, Tanner, Cupcake Chris, Ryan, Justin, Ian, Joshua, Joe, Corey, Tony

Anyone paying attention to all of the slobber that Tony was talking about how he has the eyes of a child and how he gave up everything and all of that he’s invested. Did anyone forget that he initially voted for Britt.  Also when he was talking with one of the guys in the last episode when he was talking to one of the other guys he “mistakenly” called Kaitlyn, Britt.

I’m not quite sure what commitment or investment he has made when it seems that his mind has been somewhere else.

The next morning the guys are awakened by to sumo wrestlers with a gone and screaming in Japanese. Apparently this was the preparation for what the next group date will be.

During JJ’s interview he mentioned how much he loved Japanese culture. I’m starting to think coupled with last weeks episode that JJ is very much full of shit. The six guys chosen for this sumo wrestler and group date were as follows:

Tony, JJ, Clint, Joe, Shawn, Cupcake

Tony took the sumo wrestling very seriously and when Kaitlyn approached him to talk to him, he kept walking because he is not into anything aggressive. Clearly this isn’t a guy who’s into fun.

sumo date bacheloretteJJ then comes in trying to play hero in his big ass diaper wear.  Not necessary because Kaitlyn isn’t really that dumb to figure out that Tony is a child, period.

But then again it makes you wonder because Kaitlyn is trying to adhere to his sensitivity and if that’s the case why didn’t she give Kupah another chance even though he was acting just as an idiot just in a form of aggression.

You would think by now with all of his speeches about being sensitive that she would realize that they have nothing in common and maybe she should be questioning why is he still single. I cannot say enough how ridiculous the guys looked in these over sized diapers but Clint proved his manhood and ended it with a selfie with a bunch of fans watching.

Meanwhile back at the mansion, Tony was yet again complaining about the purpose of why he was there in the first place. It didn’t surprise me that he would pack his bags and leave instead of staying for the rose ceremony and not getting a rose. For a person who says that he sees the universe in a child’s eyes sure had the potty mouth of a truck driver. Last not forget that Tony voted for Britt. Why all of a sudden there was this passion for Kaitlyn?

(Note to the editors on how Tony was packing during the day, but yet left at night.) He said his goodbyes, said it was not her fault, and he was out like deuces.

While Cupcake stole some time with Kaitlyn, Clint confessed to JJ that he had no plans to pursue her and that if she had an interest in him she would pursue him. Lmao. Really? She’s the bachelorette….

Shawn, who I think Kaitlyn will wind up with got the rose for the group date.

The next day, Chris Harrison set up the one on one date with Ben Z. No surprise that the date would be a marketing promo for a movie and not really about trust and protection. I guess the dates of hanging off buildings are long over.

While the date was “suspenseful”, I have to say that Ben Z. was pretty much in control of the date in figuring out the pieces to the puzzle of this thriller escape.

IMG_8934Having shared the story of the death of his mom and want transpired, it pretty much explained his demeanor and his need to control. And while that’s all well and good, it begs the question of how well would he handle any relationship where a woman is emotional and needy?

And while Ben and Kaitlyn are getting to know each other better, the date card arrives and Tanner, who hasn’t had much of a connection with Kaitlyn is hoping to get some kind of one on one time with her.

The follows are chosen for the group date:  Jonathan, Ben H., Joshua, Ryan, Jared, Tanner

And cut back to Ben and Kaitlyn, who are now in the hot tub sipping on champagne, she excused herself to retrieve the rose, gave him the, “you’re the greatest guy” speech and offered him the rose and of course he accepted.

For the group date, another round of major embarrassments, the guys have to teach children about sex education. Personally, highly inappropriate and not to mention, tasteless. I’m sure the parents to these poor children who were subjected to have to hear this kind of shit from a show that displays in order for you to find love is to ensure you fuck the other person over.

Back at the mansion, Justin observed a deep love going on with Clint and JJ and if anyone watched Unreal, we all know there are cameras all around the mansion and outside of the mansion, trust that while we all like to believe that Clint and JJ have some “thing” going on, as Quinn (the character on UnReal) says, give me something for the camera.

IMG_8922I thought it was kinda cute. But we all know that there isn’t a gay thing going on. I mean after all, men do take the time out to squeeze another man’s back zits. (More on this at the end of my blog)

Back at school, Ryan was first up describing the female anatomy. While he did a terrible job, boy was he cute up there!

While all the guys took turns, Kaitlyn lets out of the bag that the school thing was a prank but the guys don’t it yet.

Thank goodness because if this was real, it would have been in POOR taste of the Bachelorette. The only guy who actually showed any kind of romance in describing love was Ben who mixed in the personal experience of being there.

When Kaitlyn had her one on one with Joshua, she commented on why he’s a bit slower in the romance department because he didn’t get his first kiss till college. And while she admits he needs to step it up the fact is in real life, relationships are not a race and quite honestly, Joshua is too good for Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn and Jared. Where to begin? Zero chemistry. If anyone believes that Kaitlyn is into the fish kisser, I’m at a loss. But we all know he’s getting a rose, for sure. It’s episode 4 and Jared is already falling in love, however, Ben received the rose, leaving Jared questioning WTF?

IMG_8932Are you believing Kaitlyn loves kissing Jared?

Now for the rose ceremony. JJ, who’s super confident in getting a rose actually spent more time with Clint. If it were between Clint and JJ they would both offer each other a rose and accept.

Kaitlyn mentions that she heard there was friction in the house. What friction? Did she hear the rumor right? Lol…. UnReal.

Clint wasted no time grabbing Kaitlyn and feeding her a bunch of lies and she fell for it, the other guys were none to ready to rat Clint out for his lies. Even admitting on camera to JJ that he’s not into her at all he just wanted a rose.

Of course this raises the drama on the set and Kaitlyn pulls Clint aside to confront him and the rumors and once again the rose ceremony filters to next week’s episode. (No surprise there seems to be a habit now)

Until then.

Marabelle Blue~

Oh here are more screen shots of Clint….enjoy.IMG_8919 IMG_8920 IMG_8921

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Breaking Amish LA

I just happened to catch some of the last episodes in a Breaking Amish LA marathon.

Interesting how television has evolved by taking people out of their element and watching what happens by dropping them into a big city.

Such as Breaking Amish LA.

While I’m not all too familiar with the Amish life, my basic understanding is they are highly religious, they have their own laws and they only stay with their own kind. Any participation outside of their world would probably get them shunned.

So why would anyone agree to this?

The answer is simple. In the world that we live in, we are meant to experience life in every aspect and the words in a book called a bible should never dictate anyone life’s choice.

Lets be clear, this is my personal opinion and believe, because I do not believe in the bible. While some passage inside are very nice and can help with affirmations, it’s not the book of the law for me. Therefore it does not dictate who I am as a person, as a woman, it does not define my career, what I choose to write about and how I express that.

I think it’s very important that we learn the errors of our ways without feeling as though we are going to be punished for every mistake. Lust is a natural human emotion as long as you do not push your lust on someone who does not want it.

Women have a choice on who they decide to share their bodies with.  Men get upset when women choose not to share their bodies with them. I can go to a whole list of reason but the point is simply respect other’s wishes on how they choose to live.

It’s so sad that something so simple has become so complicated in this day and age of our technology. But as our technology grows our human behavior becomes more complex. People still try to exert their control and/or their belief system in someone else’s throat refusing to learn and accept that it doesn’t work.

Other than watching the roundtable discussion after the show with a very horrible talk show host (right next to Andy Cohen), it seems that this group is still conflicted in the Amish lifestyle and having to venture out.

See what happens in cases like this and in most cases, we grow up with a foundation. A foundation that our family teaches us that we can rely on, namely them. As we grow up, depending on our upbringing, etc, sometimes, resentment, lack of tolerance towards certain family values can lead to rebellion and exploring what life has to offer.

While I can get into the statistics of crime and murders this is not what’s relevant to this article. What is important is that some of these people chose a life outside of being Amish while instilling a practice of some form of religion.

While I personally don’t believe that religion should define a relationship (I’ve said this before) I can’t understand why people still believe that living this “holy life” in the name of a fictitious “God” gives them a right to believe they are better than everyone else.

A contradiction to their bible thumping beliefs.

Good luck to those people who were on this show and may all their dreams come true, whatever that may be.

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

The Difference Between Fantasy and Reality

If there’s one thing I know about myself, people can always talk to me about what’s on their mind and I’m happy for that.

It had me regress to a memory I had of a guy I started speaking to on Twitter, no less, who wanted to share with me what he was looking for in a relationship. We went out for breakfast, and as we ate he proceeded to share with me his woes of what he has experienced in past relationships.  And now he was interested in looking to be involved in a D/s relationship.

Okay, understandable, he’s looking to explore something new I thought to myself, until he graphically explained how he wanted someone to sit on his face (someone like me) – considering the view that sat across from me, sitting on pancakes dripping with syrup was much more enticing. 

I’m pretty sure I established I wasn’t looking for anything serious. Also in financial domination sitting on anyone’s face is not a requirement. I know Domina’s who will wear full clad latex and the man will never see beyond that latex. To me this is true Domination. Why have people gotten lost in the sauce with BDSM?

I’m not sure why guys do not take me seriously at all when I fully express I’m not interested in them in any way shape or form. They think some how some way ,”I’m going to say the right thing and she’s going to change her mind.”

It will never happen, trust me.

Just recently a man on my facebook page unfriend me for that very reason. It came to a point where I stopped answering his emails every time I posted something. And out loud in a post, I told him straight out, “I’m not interested in you….”

Did it really have to go that far? I mean what was wrong with the way I said it privately? 

There are a variety of reasons why people feel the need to pursue or persuade a girl to be with them. And while maybe in movies it’s cute, it’s cute because the leading role is played by Josh Duhamel or Jake Gyllenhaal. But real life is a totally different game and people are truly at a loss.

There’s nothing wrong with knowing your worth. I had a friend a while back advise me on just that. I guess she saw I was just going out with anyone and getting hurt in the process because of MY unrealistic expectations. Knowing your worth is not about finding the most beautiful person on the outside, it’s about finding the most beautiful person on the inside. 

While I may like my eye candy, I still know my worth. And believe me when I tell you, the personality inside will override the eye candy outside.

Relationships are all about chemistry. It is not forced, it’s not a fantasy come true. It’s about a true connection and if only one person is feeling it then it might as well stay a fantasy.

Think of it as a song. All of this music audition shows, have you ever watched one person take a song and just milk the lyric while holding the note thinking that this is going to take them to the top and everyone will remember how they rode that note?

Of course everyone will remember. The will remember the idiot who couldn’t just sing the song.

As for the guy who thought I was going to sit on his face…he eventually unfollowed me on Twitter. I think he realized his “swag” didn’t work on me, nor was it ever going to.