How You Livin’?

This was a term I heard quite often when I used to make Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I’ve often asked myself, how am I living?

When I first got clean and sober in 1991, it was almost unheard of someone my age getting clean. People were different then. The anonymous community I knew were truly loving people. They stuck together like glue. In the beginning I convinced myself I didn’t belong here and say, “well I didnt use that drug or drink that drink, so after a year of this program I’m going to drink and celebrate.”

I did celebrate a year. The year after that and so on and so on. I learned something. Life is pretty damn good being clean. I mean I love it so much, in June I will be clean and sober 25 years.

Yes. You did read correctly.

But…

In the last recent years I started projects and have not seen them to completion. I’ve written three books, one a self help book on relationships, one a love story and the other one, my autobiography. Only one of them is finished however, I need to go back and change things.

Procrastination is my middle name and depression makes decisions for me almost regularly.

I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll do it on the weekend. I’m too tired.

I’ll start committing to working out tomorrow. Knowing damn well how my doctor stressed I must lose weight or suffer the ramifications of ugly health issues that come with my weight gain while stuffing my face with fried chicken at 10 pm.

A few days ago, a friend I’ve know since the MySpace days posted a picture of a rash that began spreading throughout his body. While he didn’t make a big deal at first, and making light hearted jokes, when his throat started to close up he went to the emergency room. His girlfriend has been posting on his behalf, for now.
Prince died today.
He was found in his elevator.

He never made it out of the elevator.
I’m left wondering what were his final thoughts. Did he have his day planned out? Was he looking forward to doing something this weekend?
I have the same thoughts as everyone else does. Planning vacations or weekends. Putting things off because there’s always tomorrow.

I’m a writer. My words are bursting to come out in all the books I started. What am I waiting for?

I’ve been talking about moving to Vegas for the last year. While complaining on facebook no less, someone mentioned to take a leap of faith and just go. This only lead me to more complaining. How will I do this and that, etc etc.
I guess this begs the question, when riding on a down escalator, do you continue the journey as you climb up or stagnant as the escalator drives you down.

“How you livin’?”

Rest in Peace Prince. Thank you for the chapter you played in my life in the spring of 1985.

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,

Marabelle Blue~

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My friend Steve

Death. Final isn’t it. I was never very good at handling death. Didn’t matter who it was, person, animal, celebrity, baby…I just cannot deal.

I just found out tonight a dear friend of mine Steve, who helped put the Music Korner together for my magazine passed away last night. I have been inconsolable. I found out on my way to school, cried the whole time on the train and cried coming back home. I’m sure my eyes have taken on a new shape.

What can I say? When something like this happens, I begin to question my level of  commitment of friendship. Was I a good enough friend? Did I do everything I could do to reach out. 

I become so consumed with the magazine, sitting in front of my computer and making sure that everything I do is done to perfection and then…death.

The one thing I have learned but not happily accepted I have no control over. 

I am filled with extreme grief. Steve was someone that talked really fast when he was excited about something. Every new idea he came up with for the music korner, he was on the phone with me. I don’t know anyone who was as dedicated and committed to that part of the magazine. He cared so much about the pictures he took and getting people involved to write music reviews. He tried to get me to go to every show so that I wouldn’t miss out on the next great band. 

Steve had a good heart and a good soul. He put others first before he put himself and when he needed to put himself first bet your ass he did.

Amazing how he was filled with an assortment of music but right now the only sound I want to hear is silence. 

I will miss you a great deal. Your spirit will live on through all of us.