The New Fade-A-Way – When Your “Friends” Choose Their Man over You.

Back in 2003 to 2006, I was dating heavily. I was so open to meeting guys and perhaps being in a new relationship, the thoughts of falling in love excited me. However, my “imaginary prince” was never found or he didn’t find me….yet.

Well back then, when my friends and I were discussing the new phase of online dating and meeting an assortment of guys, or not, we found one common theme started to happen to us and to many other women….the fade-a-way.

Women who were literally investing time with a guy they felt, “wow this guy may be the one, at least for now”, establishing new relationships for weeks and then suddenly, *POOF*, the guy is gone with no explanation. More than half of the times, these woman haven’t had sex with the guy. Such a very similar situation happened with me I’ll share with you.

It was 2004 (I think), Myspace was the social media platform everyone was using. Probably one of the best that followed Friendster (remember that?). Not only did you get to meet creative and eclectic people on Myspace, but you also got to meet guys. Such as one guy I “met” who lived out in PA. He actually reached out to me and our small talk became intimate immediately. He shared personal things with me regarding his family life and changes that were taking place in his life as he was taking custody of his two children at the time.

We would talk for hours. He was someone I really saw establishing a relationship with. A well to do guy, two young children, in the middle of purchasing a house.

There were some initial questions I asked myself, was I willing to move to another state, was I willing to become a stepmom and perhaps endure family issues that was currently happening wit the natural mom if she decided to stay in the picture, etc. etc.

Yes there was a lot to consider at the time and yes I was willing to take on the responsibility.

I was careful not to share my thoughts with him because when you really like someone, you don’t to scare them off, so I stood silent about my feelings.

Weeks had gone by without incident as he shared with me how he was preparing for an upcoming custody court case. Since that was the pressing topic we spoke more about that and flirted about meeting and being together.

When the day came for his court hearing, I sent him a message wishing him luck and to contact me when he was done. I didn’t anticipate to hear from right away but when a few hours flew by and I hadn’t heard anything, i grew genuinely concerned. Did something go wrong? Did the judge not agree with him on some issue?

After that I contacted him again and asked if everything was okay…no answer. A whole day had gone by with no response.

I contacted him later in the evening and still no answer. Couldn’t get a grip if something seriously had gone wrong and he just wasn’t willing to talk about it. Although my feelings were hurt, I figured, okay he needs some time, so hopefully I’ll hear from him tomorrow and he’ll be willing to talk about it.

Tomorrow and the days that followed, nothing. Not a word. I read and reread our emails, checking to see if I said something wrong. Nope, didn’t find anything there. I checked his profile on Myspace and “surprise” he had logged in. That was the beauty of Myspace, you can always see the last login of the person. I realized then, this was a fade-a-way. It was nothing I said wrong, it was just another dummy who couldn’t and didn’t have the balls to say, “hey, I like you a lot but I feel on my end it’s not going to work out for me.”

Sure I would have been hurt, but I’m a grown ass woman. At some point I was going to get over it. In the same note, I wondered why would I want to be with a man who wasn’t forthcoming or honest and this is the same man who will be raising two young children. What will he be teaching them?

Needless to say, for that story, I did look him up on facebook, as woman do and think I was glad his next relationship was with someone who was butt ugly.

Now that I’ve shared this story, here’s the wrapping up point (I say all this to say), recently two people one who was in my life since 2000 and the other was in my life since 2013 have long disappeared without any explanation, except, wait a minute, their relationships dictated who they should remain friends with.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand is when a woman devalues her friendships with the one man who can give a fuck less when they break up with you after they’ve built you up to evolve your whole life around them.

It sucks when a guy just decides to stop speaking to you when they’ve lost interest. Any woman (one would hope) can get past that, but when you have friends where your friendships were built on the commonality of what you both enjoy and whatever you had shared as friends and that ends over a man. There’s just only one thing to say about that….

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Until then.

Loves and Hugs,
MB~

 

Married At First Sight – Cohabitation and Happy New Year

Ryan D. and Jaclyn

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After Ryan and Jaclyn were able to establish a living situation, they consummated their relationship. However, this relationship didn’t start off as a romantic one.

When those doors opened up it was similar reaction to Jamie when she married Doug. Not a very happy one. And even though Jaclyn said, “I do”, inside she was screaming, “I don’t”. Makes me wonder why women continue to just say yes to something where they really want to say no.

Anyway, getting back to this couple, because they are reality television, I’m sure they had to sign some kind of disclosure saying they would stick with this for the next six weeks and even though a honeymoon can make everything exciting, reality is what sets in when the vacation is over and real life steps in.

For this couple things seems to be getting off on a good foot, however, because of Jaclyn’s very possessive and strong attitude, it seems that she tries to castrate Ryan by playing the man role too, instead of just letting Ryan be the man in the relationship.

Behavior like this for me is when someone is really not that into you and will play the role of, “let’s be buddies and hang out and get to know each other.” I think they had a show like this on Bravo who followed couples that were best of friends but one of them was secretly into the other….I don’t know whatever happened to that show. Bravo goes through shows, like ATL Housewives go through hair weaves.

I’ve been known to go out on dates with guys that I was not interested in and would take over the conversation to ensure that this will not go any further and they will remain in the friend zone. Since I don’t like to play games, rest assured, it ended that night when the date was over.

Ryan lived with his family and extremely close to them. Due to the loss of his sister and then his brother in law, he was raising his niece, basically stepping in as the parents this little girl lost. Having to make a move and be away from his family, Ryan was definitely going through withdrawal but seemed ready to make the compromise and sacrifice to co-habitat with his new wife.

For Jaclyn, who seemed to struggle with the new man in her life, started to see a different side of Ryan once they began to get their house in order.

While I agree with Dr. Joseph, there is a side of yourself you have to let go in order to allow someone in your life, you also have to do it with common sense. Just because a doctor told you that this is your ideal mate it doesn’t mean that’s necessarily true.

I think what is lacking in this relationship like the rest of the cast is the courting which seemed to take place with Cortney, Jason, Doug and Jamie. They all were very committed to making their relationships work which included romance.

I’m not really seeing that with this couple…for now at least. Jaclyn is a very outspoken woman and you know sometimes, guys don’t like that. While they like women who exude strength they certainly don’t like to look like an idiot.

New Year’s day, visiting her family, she made it a point to share that under no circumstances she wants to have a child after 35. And not saying this in private but saying this in front of her family.

I think in relationships, there are certain conversations you should have in private and not in front of family members. This was definitely not topic of discussion saved for family and friends.

Davina and Sean

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The team of experts paired Davina and Sean on the main commonality that they were both bullied while growing up. Davina lives and owns an apartment in New York, which Sean owns a house in New Jersey. Both have agreed that for now living separate during certain days of the week while Sean goes to work, will just have to work for the time being. Even though Davina doesn’t like this idea, this is something that she’s temporarily dealing with only to appease Sean.

Here’s another couple with a situation where one loves living in New York while the other isn’t really having it. I think once someone lives in New Jersey and becomes accustomed to living a certain lifestyle, who really wants to live in the hustle of New York. If the man has to drive into work, who wants to drive back and spend an enormous amount of money for parking? Not ideal for New York City living.

Davina isn’t willing to make a compromise.

Sean made a private call from Dr. Joseph regarding their relationship how the chemistry was initially strong to now a friendship level of relationship.

While Dr. Joseph informs Sean to not be hard on himself on his feelings and anxiety, he should find understanding on himself and be accepting of what he’s feeling and find a solution through it.

I think Dr. Joseph is right, BUT, let’s be real here….I mean, this is reality television isn’t it?

Davina comes from a culture where most relationships are arranged, therefore there isn’t really a pursuit or courting. However, Davina who is Americanized and has exposure to American culture understands what is means to be courted or romanced. At least that is what we are taught. Just tune in to, “Say Yes to the Dress”, that’s all you hear and quite honestly that’s what women want. So what happens when you meet someone and marry them at first sight? Where is the romance? Sounds like a repeat of Ryan R. and Jaclyn.

Ryan D. and Jessica

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Now this couple, I questioned on every episode. They did have sex the first night and I’m sure they plenty of sex during the honeymoon, but after the honeymoon, everything changed and things got pretty serious and pretty nasty in a matter of three short weeks.

Jessica is not a girl who communicates her feelings at all. She says she cooks but she doesn’t cook, she says she wants closet space but she doesn’t express that, she says the kitchen will always be clean but gets a nasty response in return. He gets angry because she irons on the bed, she’s tired of sushi, she’s mad because he took their wedding money for himself, oh and let’s forget how he thinks pierces are nasty or tacky and she took out her Monroe piercing to “make a change” but yet he has a shit load of tattoos. What the fuck?

Ryan is very ghetto when he talks to her and Jessica seems to get shut out when she does. They continue to have big arguments and even after celebrating New Years Eve together as a couple, I didn’t see a loving couple at all.

It’s almost as if when everything is good, it’s really good, but just for the time being and when everything is bad, it’s really bad.

So far the last few episodes ending with Happy New Year so far isn’t happy for all of the couples.

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