Leaving New York…

byebyeplateAbout a month ago I tried putting this post up and it wouldn’t let me save into draft form and it wouldn’t let me post either which was weird.

Despite the technical difficulties, I wanted to share my feelings from the past until now in regards to leaving NYC.

About a month ago, I received an offer I just could not refuse. Through my current employer (yes I do have a day job), an opening came up I couldn’t bypass and after several weeks of interviewing I was offered the position.

I never really shared with anyone about the job or what my plans were. It was probably my best kept secret. Sure I shared with a few close friends, but nothing I needed to share on social media, public or personal.

Once the job was offered, it took me forever to pack. Not realizing how much shit I had, I never really organized myself in this move. Being depressed every now and then didn’t help and of course my parents were too busy to help me pack. I’m not sure what was going on with me. It was a distressed feeling as through the packing was draining me.

I saved everything for the last minute. It was just awful. As excited I was to move, I was still suffering with some form of depression. Even in the state of mind I was finally leaving NYC, I couldn’t shake the dead weight of my mind.

Needless to say, once I did make an announcement I was moving, everyone was sending me messages, asking where was I moving to. Some people didn’t realize they were on a need to know basis, on top of that was any one of these people for me when other things were going on in my life where I could have used a friend? Now, relocating, suddenly people want to be your friend.

No thank you.

Of course a select few were chosen to know, people who I regard as friends.

Right down to the last week, I got cheap to buy more boxes to move the rest of my things into storage since there was only so much money to go around it was either move me or move my things. (Hence the go fund me page www.gofundme.com/mbluemove).

While my stuff is hauled up in storage due to arrive the later part of January, I have to say relocating was the best choice I ever made for my life.

I never thought I would feel a sense of peace. I had been extremely unhappy in NYC since 2009, all I ever wanted to do was leave. When this opportunity came, what better way to go.

It was emotionally taxing to leave. A city I loved for so long felt as though every turn I made to try something new and better myself, wasn’t happening in an overpriced residence. I didn’t like my neighbors anymore, the noise became unbearable. The constant shoving and being squashed by people on the 1 line with those tiny chairs no one fit unless you were like 5 years old, just wasn’t cutting it for me.

My friend has asked me the last two weeks if I miss the Bronx….well.

I don’t.

NYC served its purpose. Something similar my ex said in 2001 when I thought we were working towards reconciliation. Some things serve a purpose and once that purpose is fulfilled, it’s time to move on.

For those of you wondering (and if you’ve seen my instagram posts you already know), I live in Arizona now. Close to Vegas and California. I was scared it would become a “Squidville” episode (for those who watch Spongebob), but thankfully it hasn’t.

I have found a bit of peace in the sea of my own chaos…the ones that live in my head. 😉

And finally you know that crazy question people ask….did you take all your animals? I ask., did you take all your children when you moved?

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

 

The Fine Line of Paranoia vs. Reality

Ever sit with yourself and ponder about a situation you want to overcome?

You divide the pros and cons. The pros look outstanding but…your paranoia tells you different.

Or?

Is it reality?

What is the part of yourself do you listen to the most?

Your heart or your head?

When does the thought become so confusing you can’t tell which one from the other?

Am I over thinking it?

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Thoughts Aloud

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Every day is a new day but it seems as though I regress to the past.

Past thoughts about friends who I don’t speak to anymore, events that occurred or how things transpired after I made a decision about something and now wondering what if I had taken a different route.

I’m not sure why I’ve been thinking this way quite often more than usual.

I had a friend. I’ll call her S. for the purposes of anonymity. I thought about the time we took a road trip which started off in Portland, Oregon and end in Vegas. What supposed to be a two week trip ended up a week and a half because of her behavior, I couldn’t stay with her much longer.

S. was (and probably still is) a prescription addict. I knew something was wrong when she picked me up at the airport and I was greeted with by a skeletal friend, a far cry from the healthy person I used to know.

At the time she was rooming with a friend of her, who seemed like a really nice guy and even more generous to let her stay at his apartment and have her friend (me) stay there for a few days with my dog Lady.

The trip started off great, even though we didn’t stick to the original plan which was to drive straight to California. Without getting into the long shenanigans of the trip, while we were on the road, I discovered things about her which were completely unpleasant. And like me, it was hard to question or even suggest there may have been a problem.

I remember there was nights where we made stops at hotels where I would check on her to see if she was breathing. Needless to say, I did cut my trip short, and flew from Vegas back to New York.

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Me and my dog Lady in Portland, Oregon. She’s such a great companion. 

When I got back, I received an email from her “best friend” who inquired as to my early departure suspecting something was wrong. I disclosed things that happened on our trip I had witness I thought were quite disturbing and expressed my concerns since it seemed she respected only some of her friends who addressed her shadiness but with me that was a different story and I’m not quite sure why that is. I mean I’ve known the girl since early 1997.

After email exchanges and her long time friends addressing her addiction, somehow I was the one to blame. I was called a liar countless times on an email blast she sent to all her friends, never taking under consideration this wasn’t a bashing but more of I want you to live a long life. How many people have taken Valiums mixed with other drugs and alcohol, fell asleep and never woke up?

For some odd reason I was wrong. I was wrong in confronting the fact she had a drug problem. And the friendship ended.

Part of me feels indifferent, the other part of me cares, I guess for lack of a better word.

I think I still care than being indifferent about this situation. I has been seven years since this happened and while I benefited from the trip and gained exposure to the West part of the states, I’m still a bit sad things ended the way they did.

I did try to reach out to her a few years back as her email account was hacked and wanted to let her know. This began the whole argument again, this time, defending the one girl who started the inquiry in the first place. Of course they stayed friends. LOL.

Why am I saying all of this…I guess to write and to see and to say out loud as I have said countless times, there are people who you can know for a lifetime, it doesn’t mean they were meant to be your friend for a lifetime.

People change and evolve. I understand that, but, it’s almost like a relationship that ended without having a real and amicable ending. I will admit I’m bothered by the whole thing but I can’t deal with ignorant people who believe they are right and the rest of the world is wrong. I will always have a special place in my heart for her and pray for her well being.

I think it’s just sad the way shit happens and it sucks when sometimes you think of it and it still bothers you.

Until then,

Marabelle Blue~

 

Celebrating 25 Years!

this is me

Here I am. Today I have 25 years clean and sober.

In 1991, I walked in to my first meeting after doing a stint in rehab. I didn’t know what to expect nor did I understand what the hell was going on here. So we all meet at these places and talk about how pathetic we are? Do we get to drink again at some point? I mean you know this was all well and good, but did I really have a problem?

I just overdid it but now I can control it. “Just give me some time, and you’ll see”, I told all my friends. “Let me just clean up for a year and then I can control my drinking, I’ll be all right.”

From my autobiography: “How I View the World with Me in It: From 1968 to Present” (copyright 2016)

I walked in to my friend meeting in April I believe. I did believe I could control it. I think I was clean for a few weeks when I found myself heading into this popular corner store, to buy a Coors Light. I remember looking around to see if anyone saw me. I put the beer in a brown paper bag, opened it and put a straw in it and took a sip. I left the store feeling guilty but that guilt, I was going to make it go away. I didn’t have a problem. I was not like the people at the meetings. They were doing hard core drugs and I wasn’t, so I can control it.

Three beers later, I was feeling the effects. I had no stamina when it came to drinking and it wouldn’t be long before I found myself at 140 Street and Amsterdam.

I have contemplated how much I’m willing to share in my book. It has been hard writing your life story without feeling the effects. I feel elated sometimes, I feel pain, pain I don’t want to feel, memories I want to forget. I see my friends in the street, “don’t you remember me”, sadly there are some I can’t remember. My colorful life took away some memories of friendships I had with people.

I have made amends to some, but amends don’t stop. Amends are not just saying you’re sorry it is about what can I do. If I can’t make amends to a person, how can I be effective towards society? Perhaps give to a cause.

Yes I do these things and then some. I don’t need to make an announcement about what I do or how I support a cause whether or not it’s in money or volunteering, quite honestly it’s no one’s business. It’s the relationship I have with the Universe.

Some people call it God. I call it mother nature. God to me is complex.

I stay clean by choice.

I don’t begrudge anyone who does drugs because every day I walk on 34th street, I see it in my face. The signs of homelessness, the ones sprawled out in the street on a high I can’t even begin to understand.

I’ve gotten the shock value, “You don’t drink” as people gasp under their breath, “do you smoke pot?”

No, pot is drug, regardless of what people say. It’s a mood and mind altering chemical. End of story. What I don’t like is when people think it’s okay to smoke pot (that synthetic shit) out in a public park while receiving hand outs from the government (another story for another time).

Some people are not sure how to behave around me. There isn’t a special treatment I need. I am me. I didn’t know who ‘me’ was for the longest of time. I wanted to be someone else, live in someone else’s life. I hated everything about me but when I was high and drunk I didn’t have to be me. I didn’t have to think about what people thought of me.

This journey has been amazing. I remember having a sponsor share at one of my meetings and one thing she said I completely understand today was, “I could care less if you don’t like me, that’s not what I’m here for.”

What? I thought to myself. How can you not care????

I get it now. When I got clean, there were no cells phone and no internet. My life was limited as to what I can do and where I can go because my parents did not trust me. My father finally believed I was clean when I celebrated five years clean. Until then, he wasn’t sure.

When I finish my book, you will understand a little bit better on who I am, where I come from and hope that my story will inspire maybe one person to believe in themselves.

I’m not ashamed of who I am. My sensitivity towards celebrity deaths from overdose and the evil things people say, haven’t a clue of what the fuck they are talking about. Thank goodness you’re not addicted, maybe to stupidity but that’s better than being a slave to a drug that makes you believe you are nothing without it.

No not everyone is an addict via drugs, anyone can be addicted to anything these days. People have made choices in their lives and when they don’t like the outcome it becomes someone else’s fault. People hate for no reason at all other than to reflect that inner hate on to others, plain and simple.

Also, anyone can be clean for an ‘x’ amount of time…I believe that, but can you comply with the changes when life happens?

I found this quote years ago and I’ll end with this.

“Growing old is mandatory, Growing up is optional”

How are you livin’?

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

The Bachelorette Andi – Episode Three Sunday Night Special

The Bachelorette Andi – Episode Three Sunday Night Special

Andi moves the dates to Santa Barbara and her first date is with Nick to whom she gave the first impression rose to. While they are out bike riding, Andrew and Marcus are discussing whether or not Nick will come back because he has reservations about the process.

Really? I mean who wouldn’t. What is the success rate of the Bachelor/Bachelorette? We all knew Trista and Ryan are successful, thus far but that’s because they truly love each other and it just so happens that they met on a television show.

Nick does share his feelings and reservations so that’s a good thing. Later in their date he talks about his core group of friends who are married and moved on with their lives and life partners.

I don’t know, as I was watching, the word love gets thrown around so easily. I think it’s easy to get infatuated in a closed environment.

Love, however, is a different feeling all together.

On the group date, was another story.

Here were my notes as follows:

Bradley needs to stop singing.

Josh is full of himself but him making fun of Bradley was funny.

The greeting of Boyz II Men singing “I’ll make love to you was a bit tacky”

Andi introducing them as her friends was tacky.

Bradley needs to stop singing.

Marquel looked like he was in a bad American Idol audition.

Cody  looked like a barnacle. What’s a barnacle? Look at Cody.

Yeah it was bad all around. I’m not sure why Boyz II Men allowed that.

On her date with JJ I was convinced he was not going to get a rose. But I did like the idea of their date. They donned probably hours of make up to age themselves and go out into the world as an old couple. While the date seemed fun, I don’t think it was really an appropriate date to have since everyone is still in the “getting to know you” stage.  That’s just me.

While on her date with JJ, Dylan was speaking candidly about the drug abuse that his sister and his brother went through and both ended up dying as a result of their drug addiction. Sad that he shared with someone in the house instead of Andi.

The rose ceremony was pretty interesting. JJ and Josh was the “big guys” when they decided to confront Andrew regarding a phone number he collected before he met Andi.

I have issues with this across the board. Andrew collects a phone number and Chris Harrison did nothing. But yet he threw Chris under the bus when he came in with roses begging to meet Andi. WTF?

JJ and Josh looked like idiot confronting Andrew. JJ was lucky to get a rose in the first place. Josh is a guy who’s a bully and standoffish. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made it to the top four but the first one to go home after the hometown dates.

The cocktail hour, while Andi was having her one on one with Eric who was now feeling insecure was interrupted with a bouquet of flowers from Nick and a long note. After that Eric was lost in his words, clearly frustrated.

Nick and Andi definitely have the infatuation thing going on but so does she and Marcus. I’m not seeing it with anyone else.

Ron was not at the rose ceremony because apparently someone he knew died and he has to leave. Seriously no love lost there. He probably wouldn’t have made it to the next rose ceremony anyway.

Who got roses:

JJ, Josh, Marcus, Nick, Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Barnacle – I mean Cody, Patrick, Farmer Chris, Eric, Dylan and Andrew (we all knew that was going to happen).

Who went home:

Teary eyed Bradley (literally), Brett who reminded me of the guy in the Wedding Singer, and Ron who left in the middle of the show.

Until then. 

Loves and Hugs,
MB~