A Life Without Tessa

On March 9, I sang happy birthday to my big girl Tessa.

She was the fourth and final puppy born to my dog Lady (who will be 15 years old this year).

I have to say, what an amazing experience to see these puppies being born and Lady taking care of them. Of course this wasn’t her first litter. I actually had planned to have her fixed but thanks to my neighbor and I engaged in conversation in the once quiet building we lived, her dog and my dog got together and 62 days later Tessa and three other puppies were born.

I remember her specifically because she had a round head and she was the smallest but ended up being a big dog, bigger than her half brother Sebastian.

And then there were three. I gave away the other puppies staying with the chosen one. The ones I called, “staying with the fold”.

I didn’t think I was able to handle three dogs but I did.

We had a good life in the Bronx. For most of their lives, we spent with my neighbor, along with her dogs and his parents and we were one big happy puppy family. Tessa grew up knowing who her daddy Scruffy, was and because Sebastian’s daddy lived in Brooklyn, well it was only fitting Scruffy adopt Sebastian.

In 2015, I went out and bought these tee shirts that dubbed “not listening” because when do yorkies ever listen LOL.

I bought a bunch too. A set for my neighbor, a set for me and one for my mom, who owns Lady’s other daughter she named Princess.

The day I put it on them it was raining, and being that it was white, I wanted to wash it right away. The next time I put it on Tessa, hers was tight. So I lifted her on the bed, turned her over and her boobies were protruding big time.

I looked at her and she looked at me like…”yep mommy”.

But yet I couldn’t be too sure.

My sister who was living with me at the time checked too and we pretty much figured out Tessa was expecting with her half brother Sebastian. I never thought anything would happen between them since Tessa wasn’t much to having Sebastian near her when she was in heat and would mostly hide under the bed.

I thought wrong.

On March 29th, she gave birth to five puppies.

FIVE!

I couldn’t believe it. They were the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. I didn’t think Tessa would be an attentive mother, she was such a tomboy, but she was a trooper, just like her mom Lady.

I had a playpen all set for her so she can be comfortable and her babies can be safe and warm.

It would be a matter of time before people were asking for one and my sister suspected I was going to keep one and I did. The first one born and the smallest one, Una.

At 12 weeks all the puppies would go to their respective homes and now I had four.

We were a happy family.

In the summer of 2016, an unexpected turn came when I jumped at the opportunity to leave NYC.

I hated uprooted my dogs in the only place (except for Lady) in the apartment they all knew was home. But I made a promise to them, we would live in a place where they can have a yard to play in and they can be outside all the time.

Long and behold, October of last year, I was able to keep that promise and see the looks on their faces as they made their way to their own yard.

It was the most exciting moment for me, to see my babies so happy. Everything I set out to accomplish, I did and then some.

I literally was living on a cloud until the last week of May into June I noticed something different about Tessa and I knew something was wrong. People thought maybe it was the heat, but she wasn’t like this last year, something wasn’t right. I made an appointment for a vet out here which lead to me another one and there we went, trying to figure out what was wrong.

Every time the vet came out running test after test, the prognosis was getting worse. She suggested I do to an emergency center because the blood results came back that she may have some form of Leukemia.

That’s where the nightmare begins because I’m not rich by far.

And the doctor even told me even with chemo, etc, I would only buy a few weeks or even a few months.

They kept her for a few hours, gave her a blood transfusion, among other things.

I took her home and there wasn’t an improvement and I struggled with the fact if I should put her down or make another appointment with a different vet and get a second opinion.

My fiance spent most of his time on his computer trying to piece together if in fact what the vets were saying was true.

I wouldn’t make it the other vet, a week later June 9th she was making her way to the other side. I text my neighbor to call and say goodbye to her and in that one moment, she opened her eyes when she heard her voice on the other end of the phone and five minutes later, she died.

I have asked myself every day since her death, what did I miss?

Why didn’t I realize something was wrong?

Was I a good owner?

Am I good enough to the pets I have now.

One thing my fiance says over and over, was she was all I knew from the minute she opened her eyes. But yet I feel I failed her because I didn’t see something was wrong.

A few days after she passed away, I was dreaming I was walking on a farm area and on the other side it was green and grassy and I called out for her as she was playing with a dog I never seen before. I held her tight and asked, “who was that dog you were playing with” and I woke up.

I have lost five cats. I have grieved for them, but there’s something different when you lose a dog.

I’m not saying a cat or any other animal is any less, but I guess because she was mine, I felt her in her Lady’s belly and in turn I got to feel her babies move in her belly.

I never had children, so to me these are my babies and I feel I let her down in some sort of way.

People that know me, tell me otherwise, but it doesn’t take away the pain I feel day after day she’s not here.

It just isn’t the same anymore and I feel different.

I feel different about how I see things, people, my life. I feel guarded. I don’t want anyone to be close to me anymore.

There are times I wish I would not wake up, so I won’t have to deal with these feelings.

I don’t know what will be my next phase will be.

All I know, right now, I miss my big girl and that my life will never be the same.

We all miss you. Love Your mommy Lady, your brother Sebastian and your daughter Una and your human mommy will never forget your big bark, your howls and your big hugs.

Tessa

March 9, 2011 – June 9, 2018

Rest in Peace Baby Munchkin

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@KEMTopTalk Relaunch with first guest Bernadette Giacomazzo ‪@bg_writes_stuff ‬

Hi everyone!

Long over due post – and yes KEM TopTalk is back and I am so excited.

The first show launched on February 17 with my guest and very good friend Bernadette Giacomazzo.

Our discussions pertain to social media presence and how people tend to view you when in the public eye. While everyone may not agree with your point of view, it’s how you decide to carry yourself.

A good example was Siggy Flicker from the Real Housewives of New Jersey and self proclaimed empowerment coach. Thanks to my snide comments on social media telling the public not to waste their money on a book from a person who doesn’t take her own advice, she thankfully blocked me.

While we all know I can care less, Bernadette bought up good points on social media and what was the most important aspect – building relationships. Nothing can happen without. Respect falls in hand and in with building longevity in this business relationship.

She also brought up a good point about credibility. Some people thank god, realistically you can’t forget the people that drove you upwards in the same of their business relationships they have built upon to take you there.

This show was filled with so much fun information I’m definitely having Bernadette back as a guest.

Listen to the show in its entirety here:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/kinkemagazine/2018/02/17/marabelleblue-and-guest-bernadette-giacomazzo-discuss-social-media-presence

And follow Bernadette via Twitter @bg_writes_stuff

You can also follow the up coming launch of her book The Gathering on instagram https://www.instagram.com/bg_takes_pics

If you’re interested in being a guest on a future show feel free to contact me marabelleblue@gmail.com

Please follow our Blog Talk Radio @KEMTopTalk show here http://www.blogtalkradio.com/kinkemagazine

Enjoy the show 💙

Take Care of You.

Loves and hugs,

Marabelle Blue

The New Fade-A-Way – When Your “Friends” Choose Their Man over You.

Back in 2003 to 2006, I was dating heavily. I was so open to meeting guys and perhaps being in a new relationship, the thoughts of falling in love excited me. However, my “imaginary prince” was never found or he didn’t find me….yet.

Well back then, when my friends and I were discussing the new phase of online dating and meeting an assortment of guys, or not, we found one common theme started to happen to us and to many other women….the fade-a-way.

Women who were literally investing time with a guy they felt, “wow this guy may be the one, at least for now”, establishing new relationships for weeks and then suddenly, *POOF*, the guy is gone with no explanation. More than half of the times, these woman haven’t had sex with the guy. Such a very similar situation happened with me I’ll share with you.

It was 2004 (I think), Myspace was the social media platform everyone was using. Probably one of the best that followed Friendster (remember that?). Not only did you get to meet creative and eclectic people on Myspace, but you also got to meet guys. Such as one guy I “met” who lived out in PA. He actually reached out to me and our small talk became intimate immediately. He shared personal things with me regarding his family life and changes that were taking place in his life as he was taking custody of his two children at the time.

We would talk for hours. He was someone I really saw establishing a relationship with. A well to do guy, two young children, in the middle of purchasing a house.

There were some initial questions I asked myself, was I willing to move to another state, was I willing to become a stepmom and perhaps endure family issues that was currently happening wit the natural mom if she decided to stay in the picture, etc. etc.

Yes there was a lot to consider at the time and yes I was willing to take on the responsibility.

I was careful not to share my thoughts with him because when you really like someone, you don’t to scare them off, so I stood silent about my feelings.

Weeks had gone by without incident as he shared with me how he was preparing for an upcoming custody court case. Since that was the pressing topic we spoke more about that and flirted about meeting and being together.

When the day came for his court hearing, I sent him a message wishing him luck and to contact me when he was done. I didn’t anticipate to hear from right away but when a few hours flew by and I hadn’t heard anything, i grew genuinely concerned. Did something go wrong? Did the judge not agree with him on some issue?

After that I contacted him again and asked if everything was okay…no answer. A whole day had gone by with no response.

I contacted him later in the evening and still no answer. Couldn’t get a grip if something seriously had gone wrong and he just wasn’t willing to talk about it. Although my feelings were hurt, I figured, okay he needs some time, so hopefully I’ll hear from him tomorrow and he’ll be willing to talk about it.

Tomorrow and the days that followed, nothing. Not a word. I read and reread our emails, checking to see if I said something wrong. Nope, didn’t find anything there. I checked his profile on Myspace and “surprise” he had logged in. That was the beauty of Myspace, you can always see the last login of the person. I realized then, this was a fade-a-way. It was nothing I said wrong, it was just another dummy who couldn’t and didn’t have the balls to say, “hey, I like you a lot but I feel on my end it’s not going to work out for me.”

Sure I would have been hurt, but I’m a grown ass woman. At some point I was going to get over it. In the same note, I wondered why would I want to be with a man who wasn’t forthcoming or honest and this is the same man who will be raising two young children. What will he be teaching them?

Needless to say, for that story, I did look him up on facebook, as woman do and think I was glad his next relationship was with someone who was butt ugly.

Now that I’ve shared this story, here’s the wrapping up point (I say all this to say), recently two people one who was in my life since 2000 and the other was in my life since 2013 have long disappeared without any explanation, except, wait a minute, their relationships dictated who they should remain friends with.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand is when a woman devalues her friendships with the one man who can give a fuck less when they break up with you after they’ve built you up to evolve your whole life around them.

It sucks when a guy just decides to stop speaking to you when they’ve lost interest. Any woman (one would hope) can get past that, but when you have friends where your friendships were built on the commonality of what you both enjoy and whatever you had shared as friends and that ends over a man. There’s just only one thing to say about that….

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Until then.

Loves and Hugs,
MB~

 

A Shit Show Named Corinne #TheBachelor

Real On Reality

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For anyone who watches the Bachelor/Bachelorette knows there’s always one or maybe two that brings the show to a whole new level of stupid.

Take for example Corrine, the grown woman with a nanny.

In this episode, on the first group date, was all about wedding photos. Of course it’s not just a wedding photo. The premise of the group date was to have different brides from different styles. For example, an 80’s bride which Vanessa pulled off extremely well, the Adam and Eve bride, the shotgun bride, you get the drift.

Corinne was all gun-ho(e) since her dress was basically a bikini top. She was all smiles and oozing with confidence, that is until Brittany walked in with just the leaf bottom and fake hair to cover her boobs.

Then the game changed. It wasn’t about fun for her anymore, it was about her gaining as much time with…

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#TheBachelor @viallnicholas28 – Episode 1

My Real on Reality page has moved here. Read more of my sarcastic blogs on #TheBachelor here.

Real On Reality

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The Bachelor – Nick Vaill – Here We Go Again

Of all people to become the next Bachelor, Nick was chosen to find love after being turned down twice in the Bachelorette episodes with Andi and Kaitlyn.

The episodes plays out with Nick and his awkward moments as well as the let downs (quite an understatement) when Andi chose Josh over him and when Kaitlyn stopped him from proposing because she had her heart set on Shawn (who claimed he had a thing for her watching the Bachelor when she was rejected by Farmer Chris).

I love the part when we see conversations between the new bachelor/bachelorette who we are supposed to believe they’ve established friendships with past bachelor alumni.

Example, here we have Sean, Farmer Chris and Ben discussing Nick’s venture as they have been friends for years. #FAKE Thanks for the advice guys. Lord knows we need an…

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Leaving New York…

byebyeplateAbout a month ago I tried putting this post up and it wouldn’t let me save into draft form and it wouldn’t let me post either which was weird.

Despite the technical difficulties, I wanted to share my feelings from the past until now in regards to leaving NYC.

About a month ago, I received an offer I just could not refuse. Through my current employer (yes I do have a day job), an opening came up I couldn’t bypass and after several weeks of interviewing I was offered the position.

I never really shared with anyone about the job or what my plans were. It was probably my best kept secret. Sure I shared with a few close friends, but nothing I needed to share on social media, public or personal.

Once the job was offered, it took me forever to pack. Not realizing how much shit I had, I never really organized myself in this move. Being depressed every now and then didn’t help and of course my parents were too busy to help me pack. I’m not sure what was going on with me. It was a distressed feeling as through the packing was draining me.

I saved everything for the last minute. It was just awful. As excited I was to move, I was still suffering with some form of depression. Even in the state of mind I was finally leaving NYC, I couldn’t shake the dead weight of my mind.

Needless to say, once I did make an announcement I was moving, everyone was sending me messages, asking where was I moving to. Some people didn’t realize they were on a need to know basis, on top of that was any one of these people for me when other things were going on in my life where I could have used a friend? Now, relocating, suddenly people want to be your friend.

No thank you.

Of course a select few were chosen to know, people who I regard as friends.

Right down to the last week, I got cheap to buy more boxes to move the rest of my things into storage since there was only so much money to go around it was either move me or move my things. (Hence the go fund me page www.gofundme.com/mbluemove).

While my stuff is hauled up in storage due to arrive the later part of January, I have to say relocating was the best choice I ever made for my life.

I never thought I would feel a sense of peace. I had been extremely unhappy in NYC since 2009, all I ever wanted to do was leave. When this opportunity came, what better way to go.

It was emotionally taxing to leave. A city I loved for so long felt as though every turn I made to try something new and better myself, wasn’t happening in an overpriced residence. I didn’t like my neighbors anymore, the noise became unbearable. The constant shoving and being squashed by people on the 1 line with those tiny chairs no one fit unless you were like 5 years old, just wasn’t cutting it for me.

My friend has asked me the last two weeks if I miss the Bronx….well.

I don’t.

NYC served its purpose. Something similar my ex said in 2001 when I thought we were working towards reconciliation. Some things serve a purpose and once that purpose is fulfilled, it’s time to move on.

For those of you wondering (and if you’ve seen my instagram posts you already know), I live in Arizona now. Close to Vegas and California. I was scared it would become a “Squidville” episode (for those who watch Spongebob), but thankfully it hasn’t.

I have found a bit of peace in the sea of my own chaos…the ones that live in my head. 😉

And finally you know that crazy question people ask….did you take all your animals? I ask., did you take all your children when you moved?

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

 

The Fine Line of Paranoia vs. Reality

Ever sit with yourself and ponder about a situation you want to overcome?

You divide the pros and cons. The pros look outstanding but…your paranoia tells you different.

Or?

Is it reality?

What is the part of yourself do you listen to the most?

Your heart or your head?

When does the thought become so confusing you can’t tell which one from the other?

Am I over thinking it?

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Thoughts Aloud

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Every day is a new day but it seems as though I regress to the past.

Past thoughts about friends who I don’t speak to anymore, events that occurred or how things transpired after I made a decision about something and now wondering what if I had taken a different route.

I’m not sure why I’ve been thinking this way quite often more than usual.

I had a friend. I’ll call her S. for the purposes of anonymity. I thought about the time we took a road trip which started off in Portland, Oregon and end in Vegas. What supposed to be a two week trip ended up a week and a half because of her behavior, I couldn’t stay with her much longer.

S. was (and probably still is) a prescription addict. I knew something was wrong when she picked me up at the airport and I was greeted with by a skeletal friend, a far cry from the healthy person I used to know.

At the time she was rooming with a friend of her, who seemed like a really nice guy and even more generous to let her stay at his apartment and have her friend (me) stay there for a few days with my dog Lady.

The trip started off great, even though we didn’t stick to the original plan which was to drive straight to California. Without getting into the long shenanigans of the trip, while we were on the road, I discovered things about her which were completely unpleasant. And like me, it was hard to question or even suggest there may have been a problem.

I remember there was nights where we made stops at hotels where I would check on her to see if she was breathing. Needless to say, I did cut my trip short, and flew from Vegas back to New York.

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Me and my dog Lady in Portland, Oregon. She’s such a great companion. 

When I got back, I received an email from her “best friend” who inquired as to my early departure suspecting something was wrong. I disclosed things that happened on our trip I had witness I thought were quite disturbing and expressed my concerns since it seemed she respected only some of her friends who addressed her shadiness but with me that was a different story and I’m not quite sure why that is. I mean I’ve known the girl since early 1997.

After email exchanges and her long time friends addressing her addiction, somehow I was the one to blame. I was called a liar countless times on an email blast she sent to all her friends, never taking under consideration this wasn’t a bashing but more of I want you to live a long life. How many people have taken Valiums mixed with other drugs and alcohol, fell asleep and never woke up?

For some odd reason I was wrong. I was wrong in confronting the fact she had a drug problem. And the friendship ended.

Part of me feels indifferent, the other part of me cares, I guess for lack of a better word.

I think I still care than being indifferent about this situation. I has been seven years since this happened and while I benefited from the trip and gained exposure to the West part of the states, I’m still a bit sad things ended the way they did.

I did try to reach out to her a few years back as her email account was hacked and wanted to let her know. This began the whole argument again, this time, defending the one girl who started the inquiry in the first place. Of course they stayed friends. LOL.

Why am I saying all of this…I guess to write and to see and to say out loud as I have said countless times, there are people who you can know for a lifetime, it doesn’t mean they were meant to be your friend for a lifetime.

People change and evolve. I understand that, but, it’s almost like a relationship that ended without having a real and amicable ending. I will admit I’m bothered by the whole thing but I can’t deal with ignorant people who believe they are right and the rest of the world is wrong. I will always have a special place in my heart for her and pray for her well being.

I think it’s just sad the way shit happens and it sucks when sometimes you think of it and it still bothers you.

Until then,

Marabelle Blue~

 

You Don’t Want to Work Here

Is anyone looking for a job?

Have you noticed how searching for jobs has changed? First off, let me say happy birthday to the World Wide Web, you’re 25 years old.

Damn I’m old.

I remember when my friends and I would look for jobs, we would be so excited waiting for Wednesday’s NY Times when they would post all the administrative job openings.

Times have truly changed.

Recently, someone shared an interesting story with me regarding their work experience and the bullying they encountered with a person who came on board in a Director position with no experience and decided she would her, a person with years of experience and a clean record.

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After enduring three months of horror she was let go and eventually found another job.

But what are the long term affects?

This isn’t just about bullying but how corporate America has changed within the job spectrum. People are working longer hours and not being properly compensated. Every day someone is working under the guise they will lose their jobs. For sales people, unrealistic quotas are implemented to make it easy to let go of people when they become a target.

Unrealistic rules has taken away moral in the work place. One good example is a half hour lunch. So basically, you’re asking someone to come to work at 8 in the morning stay till 6pm and a half hour to scarf down your food.

What kind of a bullshit is that?

Then to endure the middle of the day working for people who are half your age who someone acquired a managerial position but don’t know how to wipe their ass properly.

The work place has changed tremendously and not for the better. And this isn’t just me saying this, take the time out and do your research.

How many of you are perusing through jobs and read the reviews before applying?

This is the new age. The age of reviews of the work place in an anonymous manner for as long as you’re not too descriptive of who you are, you can basically say whatever you want about a current or previous employment.

Because of this one story, I started compiling horror stories from people in different work environments and the suffering endured on a day to day basis from the place they called work, simply titled “You Don’t Want To Work Here”.

As if I’m not writing enough books, when something captures my attention it must be written.

Look out for this book in late 2017.

Note: All information in this blog is copy written and not to be shared on your blog or any books as your own information. In other words, don’t steal my words and my work.

Thanks!

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

©2016 You Don’t Want To Work Here

 

 

 

Define Plagiarism

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I’m not going to get into the whole politics shit and/or race shit. I’m not just into that. I have never believed anyone to be a victim of circumstance. My personal experience has been based on how I present myself within society. It has always been my rule of thumb “you get what you give”. Have I personally experience some time of racism, perhaps. I would never be able to tell. I’m Latina and I’m a woman so it can be the ideology of both. Who knows and to be honest with you I can care less what others think of me and my heritage. It’s for me to be proud of.
With that being out of the way…my father was born and raised in Puerto Rico. He came to this country not knowing a word of English, learned it and mastered it, even though he has an accent, one of the things he stressed upon my sister and I, speak proper English. So when people come out with shit like “bae”, I can’t be part of your world.
Writing is a craft. I’ve been doing it since childhood. It’s been my way to express myself.
When I started my magazine, it’s main purpose was to bring about people in an alternative lifestyle together and express their lifestyle as they see fit. Two years later, to my surprise and disgust, there was a website, with the same exact lettering style (back in 2002 the lettering was different from what we use today), and stealing content from the magazine. I almost hit my face on my computer screen when I found this site. Who the fuck was the person she or they were elusive, acting as they were the original creators when I confronted them with the content.
As I learned the ways of the internet in using things like copyscape which was helpful and ensuring every part of social media (starting off with Myspace) had the Kink~E Magazine name with the appropriate contact info (me), people began to recognize I was the owner and not some old ass from Australia. It wasn’t until one day I received an email from a vendor sending me a bill from some man she had done business with. Once in receipt of this bill, I realized the man didn’t even know she was plagiarizing my business and when I confronted him with this, I think anger was an understatement when he realized he himself had been had by his own fellow Australian. Needless to say, it took a while but after advise from an attorney and cease and desist letters, she finally took the site down. While some pages still may index, it’s the web some things cannot be helped.  Even after all of this, on Fetlife, I was getting emails from people in Australia realizing I was the true owner and creator of Kink~E Magazine and she was the fake and even sending emails of apologies forher nutty behavior.
People have said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Perhaps.
Personally, I can’t stand it. Get your own fucking idea.
Have other websites popped up after? Sure, but they are not using my name or my content, there’s a difference.
I’m in school completing my Bachelors in Communications. One of the biggest things they emphasize is citation, using quotation marks where necessary.
What happened with Melania Trump was uncalled for. Anyone blaming her is just a fucking idiot because she didn’t write that shit. We all know that. But if you’re smart  you would know a lot of these politicians have writing teams to put their speeches together. Where Mrs. Trump fails if she practiced the speech and if anyone was listening would have maybe caught that the speech sounds familiar and maybe do a search on the wording of the speech. Who is the writer(s) who wrote this supposed speech?
This is why when I have really good quotes, I write that shit in my book. The last thing I need is for some asshole to take my quotes and make it like it was theirs. And the ones that are moderately good I put up on twitter and use #MBlueQuotes –
In the age of the internet you can never be too cautious. People will find out one way or another. Whoever did that was just stupid and should be smacked. It’s word it’s called Plagiarism. End of story.
Not just the experience with my site but I have seen the horrors of women in the domination business who have had their content robbed by inexperience” wanna be’s” claiming to be dominatrixes and even lifting pictures claiming to be them. It’s just fucking wrong people. If there’s one pet peeve mine, this is the top of the list. I can’t stand people who are copy cats. Get your own shit and your own ideas. And if you can’t do that, just stay as the idiot you were born to be. This goes for the fakers too.
On the contrary, I have no hate for Melania Trump, but next time please do your homework. People work hard when they write or create some form of art. It’s just a joke when someone takes it and make it their own showing they aren’t even smart enough to create their own shit.
And if you need the definition for plagiarism, here it is.
Until then.
Loves and Hugs,
Marabelle Blue
pla·gia·rism
ˈplājəˌrizəm/
noun
noun: plagiarism; plural noun: plagiarisms
  1. the practice of taking someone else’s work or ideas and passing them off as one’s own.

    synonyms: copying, infringement of copyright, piracy, theft, stealing;

    informalcribbing
    “accusations of plagiarism”

    Protected by Copyscape

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