Suicide

Today Chester Bennington killed himself…on Chris Cornell’s birthday no less.

About a month ago we lost Chris Cornell with his suicide.

These will not be last of what we hear when people take their own lives.

However, when it’s someone we know or a musician/celebrity who had inspired us in our lives whether it was a difficult point in our personal lives or not, those deaths touch us in a deep way. I’m left wondering what were the last thoughts in their mind? What were they thinking? Did they think about what they were leaving behind, who they would be hurting as a result of ending their lives, by their own hands.

It really sucks. There are no words.

However, I do have choice words for those who mock those who take their lives.

For some reason these people have a belief system that either money or their fame should fix these inner feelings of hopelessness. Especially when they compare their own lives to a life of a celebrity.

Sorry, you cannot compare your life with a life of a celebrity. Their lives consist of a more demanding level of having to appease people they work for. But let’s forget that for a moment and think about the human level.

I’ll share my own personal experience with you.

There was a time in my life, I felt complete and utter hopelessness. Yes, every day I went to bed with a blade, waiting for the nerve for me to cut myself and end my life. But when I looked at my life and looked at my cats, the first thing I wondered was, well who will take care of them? And somewhere deep inside, I felt I had more to live than just making it all end, because I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore.

You see, being a recovering addict, clean and sober for the last 26 years, I had too much pride to use again.  So going out to a bar and getting drunk wasn’t an option. But at the time I had about 10 years clean give or take so even then, my mind wasn’t thinking, “well you can do 10 years again.”

It just wasn’t in the cards.

But I didn’t like this hopeless feeling. I felt like I was in a black hole and it was just getting deeper and deeper.  Pretty awful to say the least. The every day crying didn’t help either. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings to my family because I didn’t want them to think I was some emotional failure who couldn’t control my feelings and just move on from whatever it was I was going through.

At the time, I had made a drastic change in my life and through that change, I realized how many people I had hurt and let down and no matter how much I said I was sorry, I couldn’t find a way out to forgive myself, for being human.

I sought and found a therapist I can talk to, even if I just sat there and cried. I began blogging in a journal and even kept an online journal. As crazy as people thought at the time displaying your life for the whole world to see (and here we are today), it was the one thing that made me feel better.

Not giving a fuck what people thought about my mistakes, my pain, my life.

It was mine to bear. It was mine to learn from.

It came to a point where the blade I kept from my bedside became part of the trash. No matter how many times I put it close to my wrist, the bottom line was I loved my life too much and I couldn’t bear the pain of letting anyone down.

People who make cruel comments about suicide are people who are cowards who can’t deal with their own feelings of failure or hopelessness. It is a coward act to make fun of people who feel depressed or sad. Not everyone is happy and joyous every day. Shit happens. Life happens.

To expect for anyone whether your life exists living in front of the cameras or not, at the end of the day, we are humans with real emotions.

Every day,  we walk out into the world and we wear our “masks”.

When I lived in New York, my mask was the angry mask. For many years, I wasn’t happy living in NYC with all the madness and the “rush rush, where the fuck are you going/doing” attitude.

That was another roller coaster of feelings for me because living in NYC was like swimming in water never arriving to the island where I can get a chance to breath and rest. It was a horrible life. But that’s just me. People who live in NYC love it and that’s good for them.

It just wasn’t good for me anymore.

I’ve been living in Arizona now for almost eight months.

My first trilogy book is complete and in the process of proofreading and making changes to the first draft. I would have never finished this book had I still been stuck in New York.

I live in a great apartment. My dogs and cats are a happy bunch. It’s nice to go out to my patio at night and look at the stars. It’s nice to be home in ten minutes and enjoy the sunlight and talk to my parents without making complaints about the trains or the people upstairs prancing around all hours of the night disturbing my sleep or the bathroom ceiling caving in.

But these are material things…right?

Can material things make you happy? Sure.

Can they take away your depression. No.

But I can say this. I wanted to make a change in my life. My relocation began a series of wonderful things that happened in my life because I MADE the choice.

The beautiful thing about life is choice. When you feel you don’t have one, pick up the phone and call someone. There is always a choice. Never believe what your head tells you.

As a recovering addict I believed that I cannot do without alcohol. I remember telling friends of mine, after a year, I’m going to drink and I’m going to do it right. I will control myself.

After a year, I made two years, then three, and so forth.

When I don’t feel right, no matter what those feelings are, no matter if I feel stupid sharing them, there’s a friend I have that will listen to me and tell me I’m going to be all right, no matter what.

I’m glad to be alive. I’m glad I can feel. I happy I can love.

But the greatest love, is the love I have for myself.

Never, ever doubt  you can’t be the best person you can be.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

1-800-273-8255

You don’t have to know a person in order for them to save your life.

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

 

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Kink~E Magazine – Fourteen Years In the Making….

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I can’t believe how much time has passed.

If you ask me back then in 2000 after my break up and finding myself in how to exist in this world, “would you ever imagined owning a popular magazine where you would feature and interview people in the entertainment industry?” – I would have simply answered, “Nope”.

To understand who I was in 2000, I started writing my autobiography several years ago and has been a pain staking process. It’s not fun to have to relive certain shit but in the matter of helping someone else is part of the reason why I’m writing my book. In the interim, I’m also in the midst of writing several erotica books, including three self help books.

“To write about pain is to understand where that pain stems from.” (From “How I View the World with Me In It”, author, Marabelle Blue ©2016).

It’s not an easy feat to contend with because as humans we are so used to blaming the other person or circumstances for our choices. I’ve seen it happen and I myself have privy to that type of behavior.

I couldn’t see all of this when I started my magazine. All I saw was a group of people who lived (including myself) in an Alternative world that didn’t have a place to share their voice. Sure we have other types of periodicals where alternative voices were heard, but that seemed to slowly die out once people became aware of this thing called the Internet.

Through blogging my own personal journeys, I did two years of research and spoke with many different people from local NYC underground communities.

At first I wanted the magazine to be this dark place, almost like a dungeon, where fetish became alive and the voices behind the fetish underground were free to speak and share why they enjoyed this lifestyle.

While the magazine was making it’s rounds online, I remember attending a party at Mother with Master Steelow, my real first exposure of seeing the BDSM lifestyle at work (trust you won’t find it in 50 Shades) and talking to him about the magazine, but at the time it was so new, I don’t think he took me seriously. At least that was the way I took it.

The first few years was rough. I was learning how to maintain a website, let alone create one from scratch and decipher the content. The magazine went through phases, what worked and what didn’t work. When Myspace rolled along, this was my starting point of using social media and getting people to read the magazine which was great and good exposure to not only reach those within the U.S. but also outside of the United States.

People began referring to me as Miss Kink but I wanted something more relevant, a personality which was true to my reflection. Being I was calling myself  Marabelle Blue, I decided to the name and market myself myself an individual who was also part of Kink~E Magazine.

One of the things I learned about social media and exposing yourself to the public is someone coming along thinking they can snatch your shit and make it better. That’s when the evil old lady from Australia came in and plagiarized my magazine. After going through the proper channels on how to address her bullshit the battle ended with one winner. Did she really think she was going to win?

Here’s the deal, when you create something, people will always come in and try to mimic you and ride your band wagon. It happens every time to everyone. One of the most important things I’ve learned within the social media spectrum, don’t brag and don’t expose your shit until it’s good and ready. Sure we all want to brag and there’s nothing wrong with healthy sharing about your progress and confidence, however, yet another when you spend all day tweeting or facebooking on how fabulous you are. The only ones who are the ones who don’t feel good about themselves. It becomes cult like after a while.

Over time with the good things and the not so good things, Kink~E Magazine finally found a place in people’s lives and hearts and that has to do with many of the writers who have come and joined the fold realizing this was a place to share thoughts, opinions and/or grievances. A place where we feature people in the entertainment industry in the sincerest of light and not just making sex the number one topic.

Behind the life of every performer is a sincere, empathetic person who loves what they do and isn’t afraid to show it.  Behind every authors are people who share their most intimate thoughts in story telling and behind every opinion is a person who stands strong in their plight.

The internet has grown a lot. And with that growth, we all continue to keep KinkE on top with interesting notes and topics, discussing current issues and trends.

I still keep up with my good Kink’s Korner (remember how Charlie Sheen copied me with Sheen’s Corner), discussing relationships and life in NYC.

A lot will change within Kink~E Magazine, all good things. I won’t disclose yet what those changes are (we still have the copy haters watching), but I will say this, this past year has been the best. I enjoyed every issue and what we feature to you.

For all the times I wanted to give up, I would get an email from someone telling me how much they enjoyed reading the articles in the magazine, how much they found they weren’t alone in what they were feeling, there was no way I would give this up.

When BBW came along, we found a whole new audience lovers of Big Beautiful woman. Thank you @theKimmieKaboom for the enticing interviews she brings.

Thanks to my girl Dr. Sue (@DoctorSue) and her expert field in cuckolding (among other topics) and Christine who has been hitting the hardcore topics of hate in America and just America itself. And for Dirk who keeps the fetish articles alive in offering advice and tips in how to play it safe.

To all the past writers who have shared their thoughts and advice on topics we seem to discuss behind closed doors when it shouldn’t be that way.

Most importantly I need to thank every person who has contributed and supported Kink~E Magazine for all of these years.

We stand united in our alternative beliefs and lifestyle. This isn’t just about sex or porn or fetish life and gender roles, this is about life and respecting each other’s values and belief system whatever that may be and for as long as you’re not hurting anyone deliberately. (I need to make that clear.)

There is not one person living who is a “God” who can tell us who to love or not to love, how to have sex and why certain behaviors are “wrong”, that’s just unrealistic.

With that being said, Happy Birthday to Kink~E Magazine and thank you to each and every person who continues to support us.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

Check out KEM TopTalk latest shows

www.kemtoptalk.com and follow us on www.blogtalkradio.com/kinkemagazine

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Does Success Derive from Humility?

Seems to be the question of the moment for me after watching Robin Meade this morning report in the news on Kanye’s rant at SNL. Was this before or after the “sweet” Taylor Swift not only accepted her award but reminded everyone when you work hard, accept the rewards [awards] with gratitude and never let anyone tell you different.

Well she didn’t put it in those exact words but you get the message right?

When Ms. Swift made her speech I didn’t feel she was just speaking to Mr. West (y’all) but speaking with anyone and everyone who aspires to be something great, whatever that greatness may be in a positive light.

Yes, there are many who believe because they arrived at a certain point in their lives, they believe they can be the misfit of society, “I want what I want and I want it now”, type of attitude that generates the group of haters and the obnoxious individuals that will not only support said behavior but also continue to make themselves broke supporting said behavior.

Kinda dumb isn’t it?

Look, I’m not a Kayne hater. I don’t sit back trolling the internet saying, “what am I going to say bad about him today”. A true hater does everything they can to continue to rise the hate within themselves over someone else’s successes (I thought I should point that out because there are many delusional people out there who have limited vocabulary and understand the meaning of true hate). Scary to know in this day and age we have more of those than we do people supporting one another in their good causes.

2005_Penny_Rev_Unc_D.pngSpeaking of causes, can someone confirm Kanye actually has a go fund me page, so I can chip in my penny.

But seriously. The thing that irks me the post is when Mr. West compares himself of great artists of our time. I cannot sit here and say, I write like the great Jackie Collins or Stephen King. I write like I know how to write and express myself. However, I always remember there’s always room to learn and grow from my writing habits and styles in expressing not only for me but for whomever decides to read my material.

I’m in the process of writing a very personal love story and rewriting another book I actually finished but now must make major changes. I think when you have a gift, you find a way to channel that gift so you can share with the world (if you choose), or help other people. We’re not dummies to take those gifts and make money from them, especially if they are the choice for career. It’s what happens when you become recognized for your work and the money comes flowing in.

bedroom setHow does anyone handle that only remains to be seen with each individual person. If there’s one thing I don’t talk about much is my interview with 50 Cent. One thing he mentioned in his interview about obtaining money, buying the mansion with a bunch of rooms but you can only sleep in one bed (my apologies not verbatim).

I have been broke and broker than broke. I have set up go fund me pages to help start up a studio for KEM TopTalk in the past and guess what…. no one gave a shit even while people do enjoy the show. By the way, my show will be coming back soon. My life was at a standstill and now I’m building my own studio in my apartment. 🙂

Sometimes there are things we don’t like doing to get where we are going. When I got clean and sober in 1991 I remember people telling me ‘it will get better’. I wanted to believe in my head, if I took a break from drinking I can regroup and drink again.

Almost 25 years later. (Hang tight June 16th I’ll have 25 years of sobriety).

So, does humility have something to do with getting somewhere in life and/or meeting your goals. Yes.

But once you’ve met your successes and goals, what happens next?

Success, fame, entertaining is a hard pill to swallow. Every day I ask myself what kind of person will I be once I’ve attained the status I am looking to gain? Am I afraid? Of course, who wouldn’t be? My belief system has always been, “with good intent”.

I have seen people acquire their statuses through fake story telling or fake positions they tell people they’ve had and when they didn’t. I have had people say things about my magazine and where are they now? Once you put yourself in line to say you have something better, you better be prepared to live up to your words.

“Comparing is never a winning concept. Individuality is.” (as quoted by Marabelle Blue~)

Stay humble Kanye. Stay humble.giphy

Until then.

Loves and Hugs and Take Care of You!

Marabelle Blue~

 

 

#TheBachelor @benhiggi

Here we are~ A New Year has just begun and ABC wastes no time in premiering the Bachelor Ben Higgins from the Kaitlyn season. Surprisingly Ben was one of the last men standing (not sure why) there seemed to be a lack of personality there and with all the good looking men who were in her season, why choose Ben?

Anyway, I’m trying something new. I weaned myself off cable and no longer have the opportunity to watch live television. With an array of streaming applications where you can watch all of your favorite shows on your own time, I have to say, it sucks just a little bit.

I’m not able to catch up on the Housewives because Bravo hasn’t gotten with the programming of steaming unless you want to watch last season’s bullshit and who wants to blog about something that happened last year? Bye Felicia.

As always the intro starts off with shades of love on the water, in a boat, on some kind of a warm island, or on some kind of ride, followed by tears of women who barely know him or claiming they put their whole life on hold, yada yada yada. Oh lest not forget the “bitch” or “evil doer” of the show, “he’s my husband, he just hasn’t figure it out yet” type…..and the one who has a panic attack and guess what she won’t need the paramedics all she will need is Ben to sweep her off her feet. #Pathetic

Ben’s background, simple, from Warsaw, Indiana, small town where everyone knows each other, probably some Christian town…blah and on top of that he can’t find anyone from his own town?

Ben has this fake and mediocre conversation with his parents who have been together for the last thirty five years. One of the main topics discussed was Ben’s fears of being unlovable, which was something he bought up in the Kaitlyn season.

Hey Ben, try being my age and still not finding someone decent to have simple conversations with, without pulling teeth or begging for affection. Believe me you will find someone to love before I do. LOL.

Now with the Bachelor family growing, it seems they invite other Bachelors to “advise” on how to deal with this type of “reality” situation.

 Who do they bring back? Farmer Chris Soules (who broke up with his self centered girlfriend Whitney Bischoff), Jason Mesnick who at the end picked Melissa the one he really didn’t want over Molly but I guess to make the producers happy he gave them what they wanted. However in the reunion he told Melissa he was not the least bit interested in her and asked for Molly back. (What a happy reunion). Sean Lowe who married Catherine, discussed how he fell in love with her towards the end of the show (which was true). My question was why Farmer Chris was there. Clearly he picked the wrong woman. I don’t think their relationship lasted more than a week. (of course I’m being sarcastic) but if you recall, he had more of a relationship with Brit while the other girls were just hanging out watching this relationship flourish before them. #Confused

For the rest of this blog visit www.realonreality.com

For more on Lace read my upcoming blog this week! #RESCINDTHEROSE

This girl is cRaZY!

In #Business? Say Goodbye to your Personal #Facebook Page!

facebook_banEarlier today (since yesterday) I’ve been listening to Krishna Das, “Pilgrim in the Heart”. This CD is different because Krishna shares the stories of his trip to India many years ago and his experiences with his Guru. There’s one particular story that always brings tears to my eyes, when he talks about his Maharaj-Ji. (The way I envision it, they’re all sitting around this earthly man with garbs of material wrapped around him as all who were present with him were looking for some kind of spiritual answer that would tell you what is the meaning of life.)

It probably was like that….but anyway in his story they were asking the Maharaj-Ji how does one meditate and his response was, “meditate like Christ”, of course there the confusion lied because no one still knew the answer until someone asked, “how did Christ meditate?”, Krishna Das said, Maharaj-Ji stopped and stared, he looked up he saw a bird flying and it felt as though the bird stood still and when he looked back at Maharaj-Ji he saw a tear falling down his cheek. They were probably there for a while waiting and when Maharaj-Ji came out of his meditation, he said, “he lost himself in love”.

For anyone who’s into Alternative beliefs and religions this will make sense.

For those reading and saying, “huh, how does this tie in with business and facebook?”, let me explain. 😉 (you know I gotta set the stage)

I realize a long time ago I broke one of my biggest rules of thumb is not to disclose anything personal on facebook. Like the way I bashed my sister’s husband and her kids. Sure it’s no secret I don’t like her husband for a variety of reasons. One them being, he’s not a responsible man. Selfish at best, never able to keep a roof over his family’s head for a long period of time.

Sadly, because of the last two years, living in an uncomfortable situation, I have taken a lot of the focus off my business and focused on stupid and mindless things, like arguing with people who spend all day (literally) on facebook putting up every post known to man, like fake news (as I spoke about in this post).

Because of this, I’m feeling as though I’ve been put in the category of “complaints”. “There she goes again…”, or why doesn’t she do something about it instead of crying about it.”

Yes, for anyone who follows, I am taking care of this issue from a legal standpoint I will leave it at that.

I’m finding my personal facebook page useless. Every time I decide to log in, if it not someone bragging about their gigs, it’s someone talking about someone else’s posts making judgement claims and they’re doing the SAME EXACT THING!

Look aren’t we all doing the same fucking shit? Isn’t someone judging someone else’s posts? Isn’t someone posting offense things that someone else will find completely hilarious? Since when does one fucking person get to say, “oh you’re wrong.” With the trial of likes from the stupid people that follow along with the “words of wisdom”.

Facebook useless I found this post online that I find completely appropriate. This is the way most people that don’t have a business are living. They treat their personal page as a business and depend on the likes they receive to justify their own existence, online!!!! These are what we call internet trolls. And YES they can be “productive” members of society who probably go out and work (maybe), but these are the people that believe that facebook people are their friends, are on their side, the people that support them. Yeah, maybe on #IRT (Internet Real Time and I just made that up LOL) – but will these same people have the same respect for you up close?

There’s definitely a difference when you meet people in person. Can you carry on the same conversation in person or will you just sit together and text each other?

In the world of business, social media presence is the epidemy of your business existence and how you brand yourself. You have to be that “disease”, in a good way, and spread your ideas, your presence and content to the world. Not everyone will like it, not everyone will agree, however, business doesn’t stop for one person. You’re not going to worry if that one person didn’t like your post. Your focus will be to review your data, what had the most likes? What engaged people to your page this day and not the next day? How can you enhance that engagement, what words, what tags, etc. This is what a real business person thinks about. From marketing to branding, facebook may have it’s perks when it comes to having a business page. See the difference?

When you’re out at an event networking, usually a person will ask you if you have a business card. If you hand in a card with missing info, let’s say a website or a LinkedIn page (not everyone may use Twitter), what do you think that person will ask? “Do you have a website or a social network page?” People who are interested will want to follow and engage with your business activities, either as someone who can collaborate with you or someone who’s just merely interested in what you have to offer.

With all of this in mind, I’m finding less and less use of my personal page. The other day I changed my hootsuite to post via my like pages instead of going to my personal pages. How much I love to share my new litter  of baby yorkie puppy pictures, I too, am holding down that fort by curbing the share on those pictures. While it’s great to share every now and then, my focus is my brand. Kink~E Magazine, KEM TopTalk, Events by MBlue and Divine Sinsations, my new reality magazine. Plus I can put a little bit more risque pictures on my page. 😉

There isn’t a reason why I should continue to partake in the nonsense I’ve put myself in for the last several months of arguing with people, commenting on the “know it all” people statuses that feel the need to correct you, because you think differently, people that take a joke way too far to the point of seriousness and accusations. It’s too much of a waste of time.

The fact is, in personal facebook pages, no one really cares (okay maybe 5% do). If your facebook friends are people and family, maybe that’s a different story. That’s a great way to share on-goings with relatives that may not live in driving distance. Yes, that makes sense.

But in the business way, I don’t find that having a personal page defends the purpose to promote your brand set with people that just want to be your “friend” so they can bash you the minute you’re human and share something other than being perfect. As the saying goes, you can perform excellence for many years but the minute you fuck up, that’s what people will remember you for.

So the true thanks goes to Krishna Das this morning, for waking me up and making me realize that life is more than just about sitting in front of a computer complaining. 😉

BTW: here are my facebook pages. Can’t leave that important info out!

www.facebook.com/kinkemagazine

www.facebook.com/marabelleblue

www.facebook.com/eventsbymblue

www.facebook.com/divinesinsations

Until then.

Loves and Hugs

MB~