Today Chester Bennington killed himself…on Chris Cornell’s birthday no less.

About a month ago we lost Chris Cornell with his suicide.

These will not be last of what we hear when people take their own lives.

However, when it’s someone we know or a musician/celebrity who had inspired us in our lives whether it was a difficult point in our personal lives or not, those deaths touch us in a deep way. I’m left wondering what were the last thoughts in their mind? What were they thinking? Did they think about what they were leaving behind, who they would be hurting as a result of ending their lives, by their own hands.

It really sucks. There are no words.

However, I do have choice words for those who mock those who take their lives.

For some reason these people have a belief system that either money or their fame should fix these inner feelings of hopelessness. Especially when they compare their own lives to a life of a celebrity.

Sorry, you cannot compare your life with a life of a celebrity. Their lives consist of a more demanding level of having to appease people they work for. But let’s forget that for a moment and think about the human level.

I’ll share my own personal experience with you.

There was a time in my life, I felt complete and utter hopelessness. Yes, every day I went to bed with a blade, waiting for the nerve for me to cut myself and end my life. But when I looked at my life and looked at my cats, the first thing I wondered was, well who will take care of them? And somewhere deep inside, I felt I had more to live than just making it all end, because I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore.

You see, being a recovering addict, clean and sober for the last 26 years, I had too much pride to use again.  So going out to a bar and getting drunk wasn’t an option. But at the time I had about 10 years clean give or take so even then, my mind wasn’t thinking, “well you can do 10 years again.”

It just wasn’t in the cards.

But I didn’t like this hopeless feeling. I felt like I was in a black hole and it was just getting deeper and deeper.  Pretty awful to say the least. The every day crying didn’t help either. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings to my family because I didn’t want them to think I was some emotional failure who couldn’t control my feelings and just move on from whatever it was I was going through.

At the time, I had made a drastic change in my life and through that change, I realized how many people I had hurt and let down and no matter how much I said I was sorry, I couldn’t find a way out to forgive myself, for being human.

I sought and found a therapist I can talk to, even if I just sat there and cried. I began blogging in a journal and even kept an online journal. As crazy as people thought at the time displaying your life for the whole world to see (and here we are today), it was the one thing that made me feel better.

Not giving a fuck what people thought about my mistakes, my pain, my life.

It was mine to bear. It was mine to learn from.

It came to a point where the blade I kept from my bedside became part of the trash. No matter how many times I put it close to my wrist, the bottom line was I loved my life too much and I couldn’t bear the pain of letting anyone down.

People who make cruel comments about suicide are people who are cowards who can’t deal with their own feelings of failure or hopelessness. It is a coward act to make fun of people who feel depressed or sad. Not everyone is happy and joyous every day. Shit happens. Life happens.

To expect for anyone whether your life exists living in front of the cameras or not, at the end of the day, we are humans with real emotions.

Every day,  we walk out into the world and we wear our “masks”.

When I lived in New York, my mask was the angry mask. For many years, I wasn’t happy living in NYC with all the madness and the “rush rush, where the fuck are you going/doing” attitude.

That was another roller coaster of feelings for me because living in NYC was like swimming in water never arriving to the island where I can get a chance to breath and rest. It was a horrible life. But that’s just me. People who live in NYC love it and that’s good for them.

It just wasn’t good for me anymore.

I’ve been living in Arizona now for almost eight months.

My first trilogy book is complete and in the process of proofreading and making changes to the first draft. I would have never finished this book had I still been stuck in New York.

I live in a great apartment. My dogs and cats are a happy bunch. It’s nice to go out to my patio at night and look at the stars. It’s nice to be home in ten minutes and enjoy the sunlight and talk to my parents without making complaints about the trains or the people upstairs prancing around all hours of the night disturbing my sleep or the bathroom ceiling caving in.

But these are material things…right?

Can material things make you happy? Sure.

Can they take away your depression. No.

But I can say this. I wanted to make a change in my life. My relocation began a series of wonderful things that happened in my life because I MADE the choice.

The beautiful thing about life is choice. When you feel you don’t have one, pick up the phone and call someone. There is always a choice. Never believe what your head tells you.

As a recovering addict I believed that I cannot do without alcohol. I remember telling friends of mine, after a year, I’m going to drink and I’m going to do it right. I will control myself.

After a year, I made two years, then three, and so forth.

When I don’t feel right, no matter what those feelings are, no matter if I feel stupid sharing them, there’s a friend I have that will listen to me and tell me I’m going to be all right, no matter what.

I’m glad to be alive. I’m glad I can feel. I happy I can love.

But the greatest love, is the love I have for myself.

Never, ever doubt  you can’t be the best person you can be.


You don’t have to know a person in order for them to save your life.

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,



Let’s Make it Clear

primitive  social style

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on my WordPress blog so here we go. I think it’s about time for a post like this, long overdue.

So, for the last few months, I’ve been trolling and watching the social medialites blab on their soliloquies, wondering if anyone is really listening or reading for that matter.

A few months ago, one of the automated tweets mentioned a person (who shall remain nameless), who became upset at the fact they were mentioned.

What the fuck, I thought to myself. Why is this person getting a hair up their ass over being mentioned by – when the paper is actually promoting their stupid shit.

I’m not one to argue with people on Twitter. The back and forth banter just doesn’t look good and at the end of the day, I’m running a business. I’m not here to throw mud at idiots (maybe once in a while LOL).

So I ended up blocking this person. Funny this person has noted in their profile they’re a coach or expert on some sort of fetish thing.

Right….and I’m an expert on building the Brooklyn Bridge.

Yet again, a similar incident happened with another person, who shall remain nameless. Bear in mind, some of these people are not even worth putting on blast and I’ll get to that “why” in a minute.

I see a response from the tweet, “Please take me off this or I will have you all blocked”, something to that effect. This time I didn’t hold back.  My response was pretty clear about this automated tweet and if you don’t like it we’ll just block you.  #stuckup

I mean really? What the fuck is wrong with people? Yet here’s another one who owns something similar to Kink~E Magazine #WeOpenTheDoor – all of these sites mind you are the same as my magazine.

Now I’m not saying Kink~E Magazine was the first fetish magazine ever. Back in the day, newspapers and personals were used in order to connect with kink communities. The only logical way back then was connecting via newspapers and personals through letter writing and perhaps phone contact.

When I began establishing my presence online was in mid 2000, when AOL gave you your own webpage as part of your subscription and I began keeping an online diary of my blind dates.  My friends thought I was insane to put my life out there, but at the time, and still now, I didn’t care. It was a great way for me to share exactly what was going on in my life, what I felt about blind dating and the blind dating itself. This was sort of a release for me. Life wasn’t good for me back then. I made a terrible choice that ended up saving my life. I did’t see it then but I see it now. Anyway as part of my restoration of self progress I was keeping these online dairies and it helped me put a lot of things into perspective with my life, myself and my needs of what I wanted in a relationship.

Even when guys got wind of my blogging, I realized they were only dating me so I can blog about them, even when they knew there was a bigger possibility of me writing not so good things about them. Maybe they were learning themselves how to be better on the next date. Who knows?

I did discover this. Because of my blogging, I was able to connect with women who related to the horrors of blind dating and it gave me an idea on how to expand on that and incorporating fetish lifestyle, one I personally live and enjoy. It was important for me to connect some type of alternative lifestyle because it wasn’t good for women to secretly keep ideas of fetish to themselves or feel shame to express something they really liked and wanted to explore. So there’s your bit of history of Kink~E Magazine.

The Internet was just booming by then and other than your local newspapers, how many fetish magazine sites did you find in 2002 as oppose to now? Today we are saturated with endless means of fetish advice, domination along with the fakers looking to rake in fast cash without having to honor what they say they are offering.

I’m not going to put down my magazine by any means.  I really believe that having this opportunity, I opened the door along with others who are still around today who believe in promoting the alternative lifestyle correctly.

I’m sure anyone that looks at the magazine thinks to themselves, “Oh I can do this better”.  I’m sure you can.

On the other hand, thanks to my business management courses and communication courses (yes unlike most I’m actually getting a real degree), I continue to transition the magazine and once again it will be seeing another transition. So while people are taking a back seat stealing ideas, they have yet to see what my pretty little head is putting together.

One thing I’ve learned about all of these social medialites and their sites, everyone is a “shark” waiting for their hater to disclose what they are doing so they can copy it. Don’t think I even noticed one site who conveniently copied the same last four digits of my business phone number. (Yeah I caught that).

Now back to my “why” point about not putting people on blast. First and foremost they aren’t worth it. Second and most importantly, why bother give these assholes any type of notoriety?

If you’re paying attention to your social media feed, really read what people are writing. If you’re following someone who’s apparently some coach of sorts, why is it they become easily offended over a tweet that’s actually promoting them? Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of someone who claims they are here to enhance your self esteem but catch an attitude at the mere fact they are being mentioned in a positive way? Also, think about this, why aren’t people looking up what is?

It’s super easy. All you have to do is go on google and type in…wow how simple is that?

Here’s another thing about me. I’m not one to pitch a fucking fit if someone tags me on something. Actually, I’m grateful that other people in supporting communities think of me or my magazine to tag us and help them not only promote but inform.

Wow…let’s read that word again….”Inform”.


Resting Bitch Face Part II

I mean I would think so….unless I missed the memo of the weekly stupidity report. (I always seem to miss those.)

Oh this is a good example. Recently, the President and his wife went on a venture trip and part of that trip was to visit the Pope. According to protocol, the first lady is supposed to dress in black with a veil. The next day I get up and there are hash tags going around she’s dressing for her future.

Look, motherfuckers, it’s shit like this that pisses me off. I think to myself how other countries must look at us and how stupid we are. Does anyone do their homework or research or are you taking things at face value.  I go and look up as to why Melania Trump is dressed like this and find out when Michelle Obama when to visit the pope with her husband she was also dressed in the same get up. So where was the hashtag for her? Not…right? Protocol dummies. #DoYourHomework

I never thought I would see such a level of stupidity and on a daily basis.

Am I pissed off? Hell yeah? Please people wake up and read. Take a history course. If you don’t know something or a term in social media, look the shit up before flying off on the deep end making all sorts of unrealistic threats, especially over a mention on There is too much shit going on in this world to solely focus on hate that’s not going to change.  Hello Manchester fucking assholes. While everyone is diluted in their own hate look at the shit going on around you!

I mean, really?

And then here we are back at the lab where you have some of these bitches talking about they’re a coach? An advisor? A sexpert (now there’s a recent term for the last few years).

All of these are great names while most aren’t backed up with a degree. #Sad.

What’s even sadder is no one is evolving. People spend more time copying and not really make a real name for themselves other than social media. Whoever their followers are, they make a star for themselves but let me tell you ladies, once you step out the door of your apartment, you are like everyone else. No one is stopping you in the street for an autograph. You’re not getting nominated for Person of the Year in Time Magazine or a star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

I’m not sure what we are coming to. Almost frightening when I think about it.  I try to stay in my own lane and focus on finishing my book An Illegal Affair (which is in its final stages before proofreading), but at times I veer off course and see stupid shit like, (in valley girl voice), “you betta take me off that tweet or I’m going to block you”.

Really, fuck you bitch. No one has time for such meagerness.

Good luck being 60 and thinking you’re going to get some man to pay you for a BDSM session.

That’s the funny part. Some of these women are forgetting day by day they are getting older.

Better think about your future princesses.

Until then.

Marabelle Blue~

Buying into a Dream with a Pyramid

Off the mark from reality television, something has come  up that I must discuss.

Recently someone passed along some information with sincere means to help me promote my event planning business. I don’t think she knew the real deal of what she was passing on to me, otherwise she would have not wasted her time or mine.

So I went and contacted the person who informs me  that a well known celebrity’s mom is involved with the next big thing in skincare. Hmm really, how so.

Well we are in the NYC area holding a meeting so we can tell you all about it.

I thought about going and then as usual me, I changed my mind at the last minute, sending her a kind text that I won’t be able to make it.

This lead to a series of texts that lasted for about three weeks.

“Here’s a link where you can watch the presentation on video”

“I’ll be sure to check it out when I get the chance”

In case anyone doesn’t know (and most people do know), I have three business that I’m basically running consecutively. So watching a presentation isn’t on my priority list.

A few days later, “did you get a chance to watch the presentation?”

Sending apologetic texts, I informed her I’m quite busy and I plan on watching it as soon as I can.

Finally, two weeks later, she sends me a text that they are doing a live online presentation. Since I wasn’t inundated with important things, like, my business, I took some time out to watch the live presentation.

As I watched, I thought, very interesting, and then hmmm perhaps this could be done, maybe set up a banner on my new magazine, etc, etc.

Then the good part, the part I’ve heard for years in attending these meetings (and if you got the gist of it you already know what I’m talking about).

You know…the part…in the meeting where they mention how they left a six figure salary as attorney or a scientist to sell said item. And became instant millionaires, almost overnight. And OH, when she got so busy with her business, her husband left HIS job as a broker to help her.

I don’t know anyone that would invest so much time in their career only to leave it for skin care or better yet coffee.

Anyone who’s smart would get it at the end of the presentation. Anyone who’s stuck will sit there and say, “gee, how can I raise $700 bucks to get the stuff and then buy a second set at the same  price so I can test it myself.”

Here’s the old school of hard knocks lesson. Back in the late 80s (and I use oil of olay for my skin), I was taught, you never pay an agency for a job. The client pays them. Period. The End.

So why???? WHY???? On God’s green earth would anyone pay hundreds or even thousands of dollars for such farce?

My response a week later. “No thank you, but if anything should change I will let you know.”

Nothing is going to change. I have no plans on spending $700 so I can spend the rest of my natural born life trying to get people to do the same thing.

Not too long after I finally got rid of her, I run into someone at the supermarket about a week ago. It was a guy I grew up with in school. Since my colorful life in the late 80’s to early 90’s there are many people that I don’t remember. But for some reason as he approached the section where I was standing, I looked up and said, “hey I know you”…and there ensued a conversation of catching up…how’s life, how are you doing.

kwestThen, it comes….”do you want to make some serious money?”, well of course, I mean tell me a way that I can score a million dollars tomorrow.

And he goes on to tell me that he’s selling coffee. The third most traded stock in the world. And this is not just any coffee but this coffee has healing powers.

So I was like well you know someone tried to sell me the same thing with skin care and was asking for $700 bucks and he’s like oh this is way more this is like $1200 bucks for the starter kit.


You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Are people really falling for this shit?

As I always do with anything or anyone, I do my research and what do I find?  Well, a lot.

I find this women exposing them as a scam. I find another link where another woman was exposing the wife of the coffee scam artist, exposing her scam too. I go on on her FB like page and about five of my friends like her page which surprised me.

Then on her page there isn’t a place where you can write post like most fan pages, usually there’s a place where you can write a post. Why doesn’t she have one. A lot of pics displayed of her rich lifestyle, but when you do research on her, she’s not as viable as she says she is.

Sad. She looks pretty too but let me say this, anyone, yes anyone, can write an empowering book, make empowering speeches, say they are an expert at something to make themselves sound good or use these words to elevate themselves to the world.

As a business person, I tread carefully at all times in my business decision makings because everything I do must be to perfection.  As a consumer, I want to make sure I’m spending my money on something that is worth it.

Pyramid scams have been going on for years. Yes I have been caught up in these meetings, not knowing what I was attending. The person that invited you most times don’t even know it’s a scam but they ask you to accompany them, so you go. Maybe the first time I almost fell for it but when you share with people that are street smart, will tell you outright it’s a scam.

After that in the mid 90s, it seemed it was one after the other. They would get you when you post your resume in the job banks. That call you get when they tell you how they found your resume and they want to schedule an “interview” and give you an address and you hang up the phone feeling like wow that was easy.

staples-easy-buttonWhile life is not a staples button, I found myself in that same position, receiving that call and the next day taking three buses to the destination. I arrived and see an area where there are a bunch of seats and a screen that’s on standby with over the top classical music. The guy leading me to sit down where I sat for like ten seconds (okay maybe a minute) and I got up and told the guy forget it.

He had a look of, “yeah I think she was not buying into this shit”

Another time I attended with an invite from a friend that didn’t want to go to a meeting alone.

The minute I get there  we were waiting in the reception area for quite sometime, and finally when we finally get in the room and the man starts talking about how he and wife left jobs in the scientific field to pursue this, I knew I was stuck listening to the BS for the next hour or so.

In my observance, the man talking about the millions he’s making…WITH his wife, his suit is rather big on him, there’s no wedding ring, the suit looks dingy.

After the nightmare was over, I looked at my friend and asked her if she buying all of this.

To my amazement she said yes.

bs buttonAfter bringing up the points on his suit, etc. – she still was reluctant to believe me (a friend) and was ready to buy into a stranger and give up $600 to buy this gimmick.

I’m not sure why people continue to buy into scams. If you are desperate for money, because you’re broke and having trouble meeting your debt, where the hell does anyone get hundreds of dollars to spend on something that you will be struggling to gain back. While coffee may be a popular drink, do you think anyone will stop in the morning to make coffee for themselves when they know they can get it at their local coffee shop, the truck in the street, Dukin Donuts, Starbucks, etc.

$1200 for a starter kit is my rent.

In the bigger picture of life, what is more important?

If you’re smart the answer is not one to think about.

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,