Suicide

Today Chester Bennington killed himself…on Chris Cornell’s birthday no less.

About a month ago we lost Chris Cornell with his suicide.

These will not be last of what we hear when people take their own lives.

However, when it’s someone we know or a musician/celebrity who had inspired us in our lives whether it was a difficult point in our personal lives or not, those deaths touch us in a deep way. I’m left wondering what were the last thoughts in their mind? What were they thinking? Did they think about what they were leaving behind, who they would be hurting as a result of ending their lives, by their own hands.

It really sucks. There are no words.

However, I do have choice words for those who mock those who take their lives.

For some reason these people have a belief system that either money or their fame should fix these inner feelings of hopelessness. Especially when they compare their own lives to a life of a celebrity.

Sorry, you cannot compare your life with a life of a celebrity. Their lives consist of a more demanding level of having to appease people they work for. But let’s forget that for a moment and think about the human level.

I’ll share my own personal experience with you.

There was a time in my life, I felt complete and utter hopelessness. Yes, every day I went to bed with a blade, waiting for the nerve for me to cut myself and end my life. But when I looked at my life and looked at my cats, the first thing I wondered was, well who will take care of them? And somewhere deep inside, I felt I had more to live than just making it all end, because I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore.

You see, being a recovering addict, clean and sober for the last 26 years, I had too much pride to use again.  So going out to a bar and getting drunk wasn’t an option. But at the time I had about 10 years clean give or take so even then, my mind wasn’t thinking, “well you can do 10 years again.”

It just wasn’t in the cards.

But I didn’t like this hopeless feeling. I felt like I was in a black hole and it was just getting deeper and deeper.  Pretty awful to say the least. The every day crying didn’t help either. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings to my family because I didn’t want them to think I was some emotional failure who couldn’t control my feelings and just move on from whatever it was I was going through.

At the time, I had made a drastic change in my life and through that change, I realized how many people I had hurt and let down and no matter how much I said I was sorry, I couldn’t find a way out to forgive myself, for being human.

I sought and found a therapist I can talk to, even if I just sat there and cried. I began blogging in a journal and even kept an online journal. As crazy as people thought at the time displaying your life for the whole world to see (and here we are today), it was the one thing that made me feel better.

Not giving a fuck what people thought about my mistakes, my pain, my life.

It was mine to bear. It was mine to learn from.

It came to a point where the blade I kept from my bedside became part of the trash. No matter how many times I put it close to my wrist, the bottom line was I loved my life too much and I couldn’t bear the pain of letting anyone down.

People who make cruel comments about suicide are people who are cowards who can’t deal with their own feelings of failure or hopelessness. It is a coward act to make fun of people who feel depressed or sad. Not everyone is happy and joyous every day. Shit happens. Life happens.

To expect for anyone whether your life exists living in front of the cameras or not, at the end of the day, we are humans with real emotions.

Every day,  we walk out into the world and we wear our “masks”.

When I lived in New York, my mask was the angry mask. For many years, I wasn’t happy living in NYC with all the madness and the “rush rush, where the fuck are you going/doing” attitude.

That was another roller coaster of feelings for me because living in NYC was like swimming in water never arriving to the island where I can get a chance to breath and rest. It was a horrible life. But that’s just me. People who live in NYC love it and that’s good for them.

It just wasn’t good for me anymore.

I’ve been living in Arizona now for almost eight months.

My first trilogy book is complete and in the process of proofreading and making changes to the first draft. I would have never finished this book had I still been stuck in New York.

I live in a great apartment. My dogs and cats are a happy bunch. It’s nice to go out to my patio at night and look at the stars. It’s nice to be home in ten minutes and enjoy the sunlight and talk to my parents without making complaints about the trains or the people upstairs prancing around all hours of the night disturbing my sleep or the bathroom ceiling caving in.

But these are material things…right?

Can material things make you happy? Sure.

Can they take away your depression. No.

But I can say this. I wanted to make a change in my life. My relocation began a series of wonderful things that happened in my life because I MADE the choice.

The beautiful thing about life is choice. When you feel you don’t have one, pick up the phone and call someone. There is always a choice. Never believe what your head tells you.

As a recovering addict I believed that I cannot do without alcohol. I remember telling friends of mine, after a year, I’m going to drink and I’m going to do it right. I will control myself.

After a year, I made two years, then three, and so forth.

When I don’t feel right, no matter what those feelings are, no matter if I feel stupid sharing them, there’s a friend I have that will listen to me and tell me I’m going to be all right, no matter what.

I’m glad to be alive. I’m glad I can feel. I happy I can love.

But the greatest love, is the love I have for myself.

Never, ever doubt  you can’t be the best person you can be.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

1-800-273-8255

You don’t have to know a person in order for them to save your life.

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

 

Let’s Make it Clear

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It’s been a while since I’ve posted on my WordPress blog so here we go. I think it’s about time for a post like this, long overdue.

So, for the last few months, I’ve been trolling and watching the social medialites blab on their soliloquies, wondering if anyone is really listening or reading for that matter.

A few months ago, one of the automated paper.li tweets mentioned a person (who shall remain nameless), who became upset at the fact they were mentioned.

What the fuck, I thought to myself. Why is this person getting a hair up their ass over being mentioned by paper.li – when the paper is actually promoting their stupid shit.

I’m not one to argue with people on Twitter. The back and forth banter just doesn’t look good and at the end of the day, I’m running a business. I’m not here to throw mud at idiots (maybe once in a while LOL).

So I ended up blocking this person. Funny this person has noted in their profile they’re a coach or expert on some sort of fetish thing.

Right….and I’m an expert on building the Brooklyn Bridge.

Yet again, a similar incident happened with another person, who shall remain nameless. Bear in mind, some of these people are not even worth putting on blast and I’ll get to that “why” in a minute.

I see a response from the paper.li tweet, “Please take me off this or I will have you all blocked”, something to that effect. This time I didn’t hold back.  My response was pretty clear about this automated tweet and if you don’t like it we’ll just block you.  #stuckup

I mean really? What the fuck is wrong with people? Yet here’s another one who owns something similar to Kink~E Magazine #WeOpenTheDoor – all of these sites mind you are the same as my magazine.

Now I’m not saying Kink~E Magazine was the first fetish magazine ever. Back in the day, newspapers and personals were used in order to connect with kink communities. The only logical way back then was connecting via newspapers and personals through letter writing and perhaps phone contact.

When I began establishing my presence online was in mid 2000, when AOL gave you your own webpage as part of your subscription and I began keeping an online diary of my blind dates.  My friends thought I was insane to put my life out there, but at the time, and still now, I didn’t care. It was a great way for me to share exactly what was going on in my life, what I felt about blind dating and the blind dating itself. This was sort of a release for me. Life wasn’t good for me back then. I made a terrible choice that ended up saving my life. I did’t see it then but I see it now. Anyway as part of my restoration of self progress I was keeping these online dairies and it helped me put a lot of things into perspective with my life, myself and my needs of what I wanted in a relationship.

Even when guys got wind of my blogging, I realized they were only dating me so I can blog about them, even when they knew there was a bigger possibility of me writing not so good things about them. Maybe they were learning themselves how to be better on the next date. Who knows?

I did discover this. Because of my blogging, I was able to connect with women who related to the horrors of blind dating and it gave me an idea on how to expand on that and incorporating fetish lifestyle, one I personally live and enjoy. It was important for me to connect some type of alternative lifestyle because it wasn’t good for women to secretly keep ideas of fetish to themselves or feel shame to express something they really liked and wanted to explore. So there’s your bit of history of Kink~E Magazine.

The Internet was just booming by then and other than your local newspapers, how many fetish magazine sites did you find in 2002 as oppose to now? Today we are saturated with endless means of fetish advice, domination along with the fakers looking to rake in fast cash without having to honor what they say they are offering.

I’m not going to put down my magazine by any means.  I really believe that having this opportunity, I opened the door along with others who are still around today who believe in promoting the alternative lifestyle correctly.

I’m sure anyone that looks at the magazine thinks to themselves, “Oh I can do this better”.  I’m sure you can.

On the other hand, thanks to my business management courses and communication courses (yes unlike most I’m actually getting a real degree), I continue to transition the magazine and once again it will be seeing another transition. So while people are taking a back seat stealing ideas, they have yet to see what my pretty little head is putting together.

One thing I’ve learned about all of these social medialites and their sites, everyone is a “shark” waiting for their hater to disclose what they are doing so they can copy it. Don’t think I even noticed one site who conveniently copied the same last four digits of my business phone number. (Yeah I caught that).

Now back to my “why” point about not putting people on blast. First and foremost they aren’t worth it. Second and most importantly, why bother give these assholes any type of notoriety?

If you’re paying attention to your social media feed, really read what people are writing. If you’re following someone who’s apparently some coach of sorts, why is it they become easily offended over a tweet that’s actually promoting them? Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of someone who claims they are here to enhance your self esteem but catch an attitude at the mere fact they are being mentioned in a positive way? Also, think about this, why aren’t people looking up what paper.li is?

It’s super easy. All you have to do is go on google and type in paper.li…wow how simple is that?

Here’s another thing about me. I’m not one to pitch a fucking fit if someone tags me on something. Actually, I’m grateful that other people in supporting communities think of me or my magazine to tag us and help them not only promote but inform.

Wow…let’s read that word again….”Inform”.

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Resting Bitch Face Part II

I mean I would think so….unless I missed the memo of the weekly stupidity report. (I always seem to miss those.)

Oh this is a good example. Recently, the President and his wife went on a venture trip and part of that trip was to visit the Pope. According to protocol, the first lady is supposed to dress in black with a veil. The next day I get up and there are hash tags going around she’s dressing for her future.

Look, motherfuckers, it’s shit like this that pisses me off. I think to myself how other countries must look at us and how stupid we are. Does anyone do their homework or research or are you taking things at face value.  I go and look up as to why Melania Trump is dressed like this and find out when Michelle Obama when to visit the pope with her husband she was also dressed in the same get up. So where was the hashtag for her? Not…right? Protocol dummies. #DoYourHomework

I never thought I would see such a level of stupidity and on a daily basis.

Am I pissed off? Hell yeah? Please people wake up and read. Take a history course. If you don’t know something or a term in social media, look the shit up before flying off on the deep end making all sorts of unrealistic threats, especially over a mention on paper.li. There is too much shit going on in this world to solely focus on hate that’s not going to change.  Hello Manchester fucking assholes. While everyone is diluted in their own hate look at the shit going on around you!

I mean, really?

And then here we are back at the lab where you have some of these bitches talking about they’re a coach? An advisor? A sexpert (now there’s a recent term for the last few years).

All of these are great names while most aren’t backed up with a degree. #Sad.

What’s even sadder is no one is evolving. People spend more time copying and not really make a real name for themselves other than social media. Whoever their followers are, they make a star for themselves but let me tell you ladies, once you step out the door of your apartment, you are like everyone else. No one is stopping you in the street for an autograph. You’re not getting nominated for Person of the Year in Time Magazine or a star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

I’m not sure what we are coming to. Almost frightening when I think about it.  I try to stay in my own lane and focus on finishing my book An Illegal Affair (which is in its final stages before proofreading), but at times I veer off course and see stupid shit like, (in valley girl voice), “you betta take me off that tweet or I’m going to block you”.

Really, fuck you bitch. No one has time for such meagerness.

Good luck being 60 and thinking you’re going to get some man to pay you for a BDSM session.

That’s the funny part. Some of these women are forgetting day by day they are getting older.

Better think about your future princesses.

Until then.

Marabelle Blue~

Thoughts Aloud

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Every day is a new day but it seems as though I regress to the past.

Past thoughts about friends who I don’t speak to anymore, events that occurred or how things transpired after I made a decision about something and now wondering what if I had taken a different route.

I’m not sure why I’ve been thinking this way quite often more than usual.

I had a friend. I’ll call her S. for the purposes of anonymity. I thought about the time we took a road trip which started off in Portland, Oregon and end in Vegas. What supposed to be a two week trip ended up a week and a half because of her behavior, I couldn’t stay with her much longer.

S. was (and probably still is) a prescription addict. I knew something was wrong when she picked me up at the airport and I was greeted with by a skeletal friend, a far cry from the healthy person I used to know.

At the time she was rooming with a friend of her, who seemed like a really nice guy and even more generous to let her stay at his apartment and have her friend (me) stay there for a few days with my dog Lady.

The trip started off great, even though we didn’t stick to the original plan which was to drive straight to California. Without getting into the long shenanigans of the trip, while we were on the road, I discovered things about her which were completely unpleasant. And like me, it was hard to question or even suggest there may have been a problem.

I remember there was nights where we made stops at hotels where I would check on her to see if she was breathing. Needless to say, I did cut my trip short, and flew from Vegas back to New York.

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Me and my dog Lady in Portland, Oregon. She’s such a great companion. 

When I got back, I received an email from her “best friend” who inquired as to my early departure suspecting something was wrong. I disclosed things that happened on our trip I had witness I thought were quite disturbing and expressed my concerns since it seemed she respected only some of her friends who addressed her shadiness but with me that was a different story and I’m not quite sure why that is. I mean I’ve known the girl since early 1997.

After email exchanges and her long time friends addressing her addiction, somehow I was the one to blame. I was called a liar countless times on an email blast she sent to all her friends, never taking under consideration this wasn’t a bashing but more of I want you to live a long life. How many people have taken Valiums mixed with other drugs and alcohol, fell asleep and never woke up?

For some odd reason I was wrong. I was wrong in confronting the fact she had a drug problem. And the friendship ended.

Part of me feels indifferent, the other part of me cares, I guess for lack of a better word.

I think I still care than being indifferent about this situation. I has been seven years since this happened and while I benefited from the trip and gained exposure to the West part of the states, I’m still a bit sad things ended the way they did.

I did try to reach out to her a few years back as her email account was hacked and wanted to let her know. This began the whole argument again, this time, defending the one girl who started the inquiry in the first place. Of course they stayed friends. LOL.

Why am I saying all of this…I guess to write and to see and to say out loud as I have said countless times, there are people who you can know for a lifetime, it doesn’t mean they were meant to be your friend for a lifetime.

People change and evolve. I understand that, but, it’s almost like a relationship that ended without having a real and amicable ending. I will admit I’m bothered by the whole thing but I can’t deal with ignorant people who believe they are right and the rest of the world is wrong. I will always have a special place in my heart for her and pray for her well being.

I think it’s just sad the way shit happens and it sucks when sometimes you think of it and it still bothers you.

Until then,

Marabelle Blue~

 

Kink~E Magazine – Fourteen Years In the Making….

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I can’t believe how much time has passed.

If you ask me back then in 2000 after my break up and finding myself in how to exist in this world, “would you ever imagined owning a popular magazine where you would feature and interview people in the entertainment industry?” – I would have simply answered, “Nope”.

To understand who I was in 2000, I started writing my autobiography several years ago and has been a pain staking process. It’s not fun to have to relive certain shit but in the matter of helping someone else is part of the reason why I’m writing my book. In the interim, I’m also in the midst of writing several erotica books, including three self help books.

“To write about pain is to understand where that pain stems from.” (From “How I View the World with Me In It”, author, Marabelle Blue ©2016).

It’s not an easy feat to contend with because as humans we are so used to blaming the other person or circumstances for our choices. I’ve seen it happen and I myself have privy to that type of behavior.

I couldn’t see all of this when I started my magazine. All I saw was a group of people who lived (including myself) in an Alternative world that didn’t have a place to share their voice. Sure we have other types of periodicals where alternative voices were heard, but that seemed to slowly die out once people became aware of this thing called the Internet.

Through blogging my own personal journeys, I did two years of research and spoke with many different people from local NYC underground communities.

At first I wanted the magazine to be this dark place, almost like a dungeon, where fetish became alive and the voices behind the fetish underground were free to speak and share why they enjoyed this lifestyle.

While the magazine was making it’s rounds online, I remember attending a party at Mother with Master Steelow, my real first exposure of seeing the BDSM lifestyle at work (trust you won’t find it in 50 Shades) and talking to him about the magazine, but at the time it was so new, I don’t think he took me seriously. At least that was the way I took it.

The first few years was rough. I was learning how to maintain a website, let alone create one from scratch and decipher the content. The magazine went through phases, what worked and what didn’t work. When Myspace rolled along, this was my starting point of using social media and getting people to read the magazine which was great and good exposure to not only reach those within the U.S. but also outside of the United States.

People began referring to me as Miss Kink but I wanted something more relevant, a personality which was true to my reflection. Being I was calling myself  Marabelle Blue, I decided to the name and market myself myself an individual who was also part of Kink~E Magazine.

One of the things I learned about social media and exposing yourself to the public is someone coming along thinking they can snatch your shit and make it better. That’s when the evil old lady from Australia came in and plagiarized my magazine. After going through the proper channels on how to address her bullshit the battle ended with one winner. Did she really think she was going to win?

Here’s the deal, when you create something, people will always come in and try to mimic you and ride your band wagon. It happens every time to everyone. One of the most important things I’ve learned within the social media spectrum, don’t brag and don’t expose your shit until it’s good and ready. Sure we all want to brag and there’s nothing wrong with healthy sharing about your progress and confidence, however, yet another when you spend all day tweeting or facebooking on how fabulous you are. The only ones who are the ones who don’t feel good about themselves. It becomes cult like after a while.

Over time with the good things and the not so good things, Kink~E Magazine finally found a place in people’s lives and hearts and that has to do with many of the writers who have come and joined the fold realizing this was a place to share thoughts, opinions and/or grievances. A place where we feature people in the entertainment industry in the sincerest of light and not just making sex the number one topic.

Behind the life of every performer is a sincere, empathetic person who loves what they do and isn’t afraid to show it.  Behind every authors are people who share their most intimate thoughts in story telling and behind every opinion is a person who stands strong in their plight.

The internet has grown a lot. And with that growth, we all continue to keep KinkE on top with interesting notes and topics, discussing current issues and trends.

I still keep up with my good Kink’s Korner (remember how Charlie Sheen copied me with Sheen’s Corner), discussing relationships and life in NYC.

A lot will change within Kink~E Magazine, all good things. I won’t disclose yet what those changes are (we still have the copy haters watching), but I will say this, this past year has been the best. I enjoyed every issue and what we feature to you.

For all the times I wanted to give up, I would get an email from someone telling me how much they enjoyed reading the articles in the magazine, how much they found they weren’t alone in what they were feeling, there was no way I would give this up.

When BBW came along, we found a whole new audience lovers of Big Beautiful woman. Thank you @theKimmieKaboom for the enticing interviews she brings.

Thanks to my girl Dr. Sue (@DoctorSue) and her expert field in cuckolding (among other topics) and Christine who has been hitting the hardcore topics of hate in America and just America itself. And for Dirk who keeps the fetish articles alive in offering advice and tips in how to play it safe.

To all the past writers who have shared their thoughts and advice on topics we seem to discuss behind closed doors when it shouldn’t be that way.

Most importantly I need to thank every person who has contributed and supported Kink~E Magazine for all of these years.

We stand united in our alternative beliefs and lifestyle. This isn’t just about sex or porn or fetish life and gender roles, this is about life and respecting each other’s values and belief system whatever that may be and for as long as you’re not hurting anyone deliberately. (I need to make that clear.)

There is not one person living who is a “God” who can tell us who to love or not to love, how to have sex and why certain behaviors are “wrong”, that’s just unrealistic.

With that being said, Happy Birthday to Kink~E Magazine and thank you to each and every person who continues to support us.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

Check out KEM TopTalk latest shows

www.kemtoptalk.com and follow us on www.blogtalkradio.com/kinkemagazine

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You Don’t Want to Work Here

Is anyone looking for a job?

Have you noticed how searching for jobs has changed? First off, let me say happy birthday to the World Wide Web, you’re 25 years old.

Damn I’m old.

I remember when my friends and I would look for jobs, we would be so excited waiting for Wednesday’s NY Times when they would post all the administrative job openings.

Times have truly changed.

Recently, someone shared an interesting story with me regarding their work experience and the bullying they encountered with a person who came on board in a Director position with no experience and decided she would her, a person with years of experience and a clean record.

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After enduring three months of horror she was let go and eventually found another job.

But what are the long term affects?

This isn’t just about bullying but how corporate America has changed within the job spectrum. People are working longer hours and not being properly compensated. Every day someone is working under the guise they will lose their jobs. For sales people, unrealistic quotas are implemented to make it easy to let go of people when they become a target.

Unrealistic rules has taken away moral in the work place. One good example is a half hour lunch. So basically, you’re asking someone to come to work at 8 in the morning stay till 6pm and a half hour to scarf down your food.

What kind of a bullshit is that?

Then to endure the middle of the day working for people who are half your age who someone acquired a managerial position but don’t know how to wipe their ass properly.

The work place has changed tremendously and not for the better. And this isn’t just me saying this, take the time out and do your research.

How many of you are perusing through jobs and read the reviews before applying?

This is the new age. The age of reviews of the work place in an anonymous manner for as long as you’re not too descriptive of who you are, you can basically say whatever you want about a current or previous employment.

Because of this one story, I started compiling horror stories from people in different work environments and the suffering endured on a day to day basis from the place they called work, simply titled “You Don’t Want To Work Here”.

As if I’m not writing enough books, when something captures my attention it must be written.

Look out for this book in late 2017.

Note: All information in this blog is copy written and not to be shared on your blog or any books as your own information. In other words, don’t steal my words and my work.

Thanks!

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

©2016 You Don’t Want To Work Here

 

 

 

Celebrating 25 Years!

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Here I am. Today I have 25 years clean and sober.

In 1991, I walked in to my first meeting after doing a stint in rehab. I didn’t know what to expect nor did I understand what the hell was going on here. So we all meet at these places and talk about how pathetic we are? Do we get to drink again at some point? I mean you know this was all well and good, but did I really have a problem?

I just overdid it but now I can control it. “Just give me some time, and you’ll see”, I told all my friends. “Let me just clean up for a year and then I can control my drinking, I’ll be all right.”

From my autobiography: “How I View the World with Me in It: From 1968 to Present” (copyright 2016)

I walked in to my friend meeting in April I believe. I did believe I could control it. I think I was clean for a few weeks when I found myself heading into this popular corner store, to buy a Coors Light. I remember looking around to see if anyone saw me. I put the beer in a brown paper bag, opened it and put a straw in it and took a sip. I left the store feeling guilty but that guilt, I was going to make it go away. I didn’t have a problem. I was not like the people at the meetings. They were doing hard core drugs and I wasn’t, so I can control it.

Three beers later, I was feeling the effects. I had no stamina when it came to drinking and it wouldn’t be long before I found myself at 140 Street and Amsterdam.

I have contemplated how much I’m willing to share in my book. It has been hard writing your life story without feeling the effects. I feel elated sometimes, I feel pain, pain I don’t want to feel, memories I want to forget. I see my friends in the street, “don’t you remember me”, sadly there are some I can’t remember. My colorful life took away some memories of friendships I had with people.

I have made amends to some, but amends don’t stop. Amends are not just saying you’re sorry it is about what can I do. If I can’t make amends to a person, how can I be effective towards society? Perhaps give to a cause.

Yes I do these things and then some. I don’t need to make an announcement about what I do or how I support a cause whether or not it’s in money or volunteering, quite honestly it’s no one’s business. It’s the relationship I have with the Universe.

Some people call it God. I call it mother nature. God to me is complex.

I stay clean by choice.

I don’t begrudge anyone who does drugs because every day I walk on 34th street, I see it in my face. The signs of homelessness, the ones sprawled out in the street on a high I can’t even begin to understand.

I’ve gotten the shock value, “You don’t drink” as people gasp under their breath, “do you smoke pot?”

No, pot is drug, regardless of what people say. It’s a mood and mind altering chemical. End of story. What I don’t like is when people think it’s okay to smoke pot (that synthetic shit) out in a public park while receiving hand outs from the government (another story for another time).

Some people are not sure how to behave around me. There isn’t a special treatment I need. I am me. I didn’t know who ‘me’ was for the longest of time. I wanted to be someone else, live in someone else’s life. I hated everything about me but when I was high and drunk I didn’t have to be me. I didn’t have to think about what people thought of me.

This journey has been amazing. I remember having a sponsor share at one of my meetings and one thing she said I completely understand today was, “I could care less if you don’t like me, that’s not what I’m here for.”

What? I thought to myself. How can you not care????

I get it now. When I got clean, there were no cells phone and no internet. My life was limited as to what I can do and where I can go because my parents did not trust me. My father finally believed I was clean when I celebrated five years clean. Until then, he wasn’t sure.

When I finish my book, you will understand a little bit better on who I am, where I come from and hope that my story will inspire maybe one person to believe in themselves.

I’m not ashamed of who I am. My sensitivity towards celebrity deaths from overdose and the evil things people say, haven’t a clue of what the fuck they are talking about. Thank goodness you’re not addicted, maybe to stupidity but that’s better than being a slave to a drug that makes you believe you are nothing without it.

No not everyone is an addict via drugs, anyone can be addicted to anything these days. People have made choices in their lives and when they don’t like the outcome it becomes someone else’s fault. People hate for no reason at all other than to reflect that inner hate on to others, plain and simple.

Also, anyone can be clean for an ‘x’ amount of time…I believe that, but can you comply with the changes when life happens?

I found this quote years ago and I’ll end with this.

“Growing old is mandatory, Growing up is optional”

How are you livin’?

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

#TheBachelor @benhiggi E5 – Cleaning House

The ladies arrive in Mexico City where once again Olivia is convinced the date card is for her.
 
Guess what???
 
It’s not LOL. 
ben and amanda.jpgIt was actually Amanda.
 
Oh, but Olivia had much to say about Amanda. She doesn’t believe Ben is the right person for her because she has children.
 
Really Olivia? You are a fucking child.
 
The next day, Ben wakes the girls up at 4:30 in the morning so he can see all of them in their element. Surprisingly, Cray Cray Jub had her hair in head while Olivia left pieces of her weave on the dresser. It was pretty funny to hear Ben ask, “who’s weave is this?” Definitely an LOL moment.
 
Ben finally did find Amanda and as they headed off on their date, Olivia, having a conversation with Lauren H. and telling her she completely disagrees Ben should keep her, especially since she’s been away from her kids for quite some time. She also doesn’t believe it would work out, if Ben wanted children, he would have had them.
 
Really Olivia? Are you a psychologist now? Perhaps you should be on the show, “Married At First Sight” and after a whole psychological work up, I’m sure none of the advisors on that show would pick her to be with someone. That marriage wouldn’t last more than a week.
 
During Ben and Amanda’s date, she expressed concerns on her interview regarding relationships and marriage because at her such youthful age, she’s already lived that life where Ben has not. In real life, relationships like this are truly a challenge. You can’t expect for someone to come into your life and adjust to your needs and your family without adjusting to his needs.
 
While Amanda seems to be on a “long extended date”, according to Jubilee (cray cray), she’s upset and jealous that Ben is spending more and more time with the other ladies and not her. If she thinks really hard about their one on one date, it wasn’t romantic at all, and the proceeding episodes he treats her as just one of the guys. You can take the ghetto out of the hood and the ghetto will always follow LOL. It just won’t jive with Ben’s family. Let’s not pretend here guys.
 
The group date card arrives and the names are read as follows (with Olivia begging not to want to be a part of the group date because she wants to spend more time with “her man”).
Read the rest of my blog here: http://www.realonreality.com/

Does Success Derive from Humility?

Seems to be the question of the moment for me after watching Robin Meade this morning report in the news on Kanye’s rant at SNL. Was this before or after the “sweet” Taylor Swift not only accepted her award but reminded everyone when you work hard, accept the rewards [awards] with gratitude and never let anyone tell you different.

Well she didn’t put it in those exact words but you get the message right?

When Ms. Swift made her speech I didn’t feel she was just speaking to Mr. West (y’all) but speaking with anyone and everyone who aspires to be something great, whatever that greatness may be in a positive light.

Yes, there are many who believe because they arrived at a certain point in their lives, they believe they can be the misfit of society, “I want what I want and I want it now”, type of attitude that generates the group of haters and the obnoxious individuals that will not only support said behavior but also continue to make themselves broke supporting said behavior.

Kinda dumb isn’t it?

Look, I’m not a Kayne hater. I don’t sit back trolling the internet saying, “what am I going to say bad about him today”. A true hater does everything they can to continue to rise the hate within themselves over someone else’s successes (I thought I should point that out because there are many delusional people out there who have limited vocabulary and understand the meaning of true hate). Scary to know in this day and age we have more of those than we do people supporting one another in their good causes.

2005_Penny_Rev_Unc_D.pngSpeaking of causes, can someone confirm Kanye actually has a go fund me page, so I can chip in my penny.

But seriously. The thing that irks me the post is when Mr. West compares himself of great artists of our time. I cannot sit here and say, I write like the great Jackie Collins or Stephen King. I write like I know how to write and express myself. However, I always remember there’s always room to learn and grow from my writing habits and styles in expressing not only for me but for whomever decides to read my material.

I’m in the process of writing a very personal love story and rewriting another book I actually finished but now must make major changes. I think when you have a gift, you find a way to channel that gift so you can share with the world (if you choose), or help other people. We’re not dummies to take those gifts and make money from them, especially if they are the choice for career. It’s what happens when you become recognized for your work and the money comes flowing in.

bedroom setHow does anyone handle that only remains to be seen with each individual person. If there’s one thing I don’t talk about much is my interview with 50 Cent. One thing he mentioned in his interview about obtaining money, buying the mansion with a bunch of rooms but you can only sleep in one bed (my apologies not verbatim).

I have been broke and broker than broke. I have set up go fund me pages to help start up a studio for KEM TopTalk in the past and guess what…. no one gave a shit even while people do enjoy the show. By the way, my show will be coming back soon. My life was at a standstill and now I’m building my own studio in my apartment. 🙂

Sometimes there are things we don’t like doing to get where we are going. When I got clean and sober in 1991 I remember people telling me ‘it will get better’. I wanted to believe in my head, if I took a break from drinking I can regroup and drink again.

Almost 25 years later. (Hang tight June 16th I’ll have 25 years of sobriety).

So, does humility have something to do with getting somewhere in life and/or meeting your goals. Yes.

But once you’ve met your successes and goals, what happens next?

Success, fame, entertaining is a hard pill to swallow. Every day I ask myself what kind of person will I be once I’ve attained the status I am looking to gain? Am I afraid? Of course, who wouldn’t be? My belief system has always been, “with good intent”.

I have seen people acquire their statuses through fake story telling or fake positions they tell people they’ve had and when they didn’t. I have had people say things about my magazine and where are they now? Once you put yourself in line to say you have something better, you better be prepared to live up to your words.

“Comparing is never a winning concept. Individuality is.” (as quoted by Marabelle Blue~)

Stay humble Kanye. Stay humble.giphy

Until then.

Loves and Hugs and Take Care of You!

Marabelle Blue~

 

 

What’s Real and What’s Not…

The week of November 16, minding my business, getting off the train to head home, I noticed someone from the corner of my eye as I walked down the stairs and they walking beside me. Now the first thought is, “who the fuck is this person”, then he speaks…

“boy does that chicken smell good.”

There’s a restaurant up the street from the train station and I will say this, if the chicken is more than a day old, and they’re cooking it, it smells pretty bad.

The conversation leads to me saying the food didn’t smell good and I can make better chicken than they can. I thought that was the end, until he walked with me to my destination.

Okay, aggressive maybe?

Approaching the ninety nine cents store, I tell him, “well I have to go in here” and he asked me for my number.

I asked him to give me his and I promised I would call him back.

“What’s your name?”, he asked.

“My name is Marabelle.”

Well I wasn’t going to tell him my birth name. LOL.

Needless to say, I did give him my number. My business number. And then the calls started maybe a two days later. I didn’t feel we had much in common. But after a few text exchanges and a few calls in between, he surprised me last Saturday meeting me at the very same area we first started talking and took to the diner where we spent about four more maybe a bit more hours talking about everything.

Then my view changed.

Wow, this guy is smart and we do have a lot in common.

But…(you know there’s always that damn ‘but’), due to privacy issues, I changed my phone number on my ‘whatsapp’ to my business number, not realizing anyone who had the app and my business number will pop up a notification like, “hey your friend just joined whatsapp” – the same number I gave to this guy, who looks at my profile pic, watermarked, “Property of Kink~E Magazine”.

I have struggled for many years with men who thought that me owning a sex magazine made me available for sex, or that I was some kind of freak fucking different guys every night. Or how can I be such a prude and own a sex magazine.

Umm well, people are dirty and disgusting and I don’t open my legs to anyone unless they are fucking worth it. And oh, my fetish life isn’t practiced with some fly by night asshole that doesn’t know what he’s doing.

The men I meet get it very twisted and very confused as to who I am, what I do, what is the purpose of the magazine and why I do it.

The mission statement on www.kinkemagazine.com is very clear and anyone who reads it knows exactly what my magazine is about, what my writers do and what we talk about. Most importantly, why it’s so important to educated people living or exploring alternative lifestyles.

Well now upon knowing this info he had on hand, I told him what I do, I’m a writer, I own a magazine and I have different writer who discuss different aspects of adult entertainment and alternative lifestyle and he seemed cool with it.

After our endless hours of talking, it was time for me to go home and get rest and figuring I would hear from him the next day, I did not.

Okay what the fuck is going on here. You like someone (remember we are not 25, I don’t have time for stupid mind games), you’re not going to waste time or say, “well, duh, gee, I’ll contact her three days from now. By then I would have lost interest.

Bothered by the fact he didn’t make much of an effort, but texting here and there, I said something and it seemed to wake up the senses and led to another all night conversation.

Now my head space is, “yeah I’m feeling this guy, we can hang out get to know each other.”

Today, not so much. Inconsistent. Not making much of an effort BUT definitely made an effort in exposing exactly what he wanted to do me, desires of feasting on certain parts of my body…(use your imagination, ya’ll know what I’m talking about).

Yeah…no, I wasn’t feeling it.

I go out with you ONE time and one week later you’re talking about eating me out. It’s one thing to flirt, yet another when you’re just horn dog asking for sex when I barely even know the guy.

No thank you.

Does he not think I’m already getting emails like that from someone who’s been chasing me since 2000. And OH what about the guy I connect with periodically. While he’s busy playing mind games, someone else (someone I know) texting me at the same time, asking when I’m coming over.

A friend with benefit understanding only works with me for ONE person. I don’t need an extra person for that especially if they are telling me how REAL they are, when in essence are just full of shit.

I have been “around the block” enough to know all the stories guys play just to get a girl into bed, instead of just being forthright in saying, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now, however, I would like a partner I can be intimate with and have fun.”

Last time I checked, there’s nothing wrong with that level of honesty, but that’s just me. Some women may find the whole statement repulsive and that’s okay too.

Look I’m not here to judge, far from it. But when you come in with lies about me being in your heart and saying all of these romantic things just to get me in bed, is where I lose all respect for a person who’s flat out lying.

After addressing said issue, not only does he block me on twitter (why I don’t know he’s not worth reading any tweets he puts out), he blocks my number on his phone (after last Saturday when he tells me I gave him my “heartline” after I gave him my personal cell number).

If these are the actions of a person who claims they are telling the truth, guess what…you’re not.

Liars will not defend their actions once they’ve been found out. If anything they run the other way to ensure their integrity is not found out by others so they can pull the same game on someone else who will buy the lie.

While no one knows who I’m talking about, the last thing I would do it tag him on tweets like an immature child and accuse him of being a liar. Sure I will say certain things, but I won’t tag a name on to it.

He could have taken a different approach had he been telling the TRUTH, maybe by picking up the phone and calling and defending himself.

Being truthful is painful, whether you’re on the receiving end of it or not, hearing it for yourself when the words are departing from your lips can be painful.

After tonight, I was hurt and disappointed because I really wanted him to be for real in everything he was saying, but in the back of my mind, something said, there’s something not right.

I have learned to follow my intuition instead of following my heart.

Sad when you can’t follow your heart.

I text a friend of mine and told her what barely began has pretty much ended. In this phone conversation, a lot was revealed to me saying the words out loud.

Even in my own personal truth, as the words left my lips, my tears streamed down my face, because this really wasn’t about this guy, it is about something in the past, yet to be closed and the actions I am taking, in my own personal journey to resolve it.

You will all get a chance to share in that, I promise you.

In the meantime, my tears lie on the disappointment more than the person himself. It sucks when a person doesn’t tell you the truth, it sucks even more when they feel they can get over on you and not care about the feelings you’re investing through their web of lies.

(Addition) I wanted to say this, there’s always a reason why everyone goes through certain paths in their lives. I believe there’s a reason why I am having these experiences. While these experiences may not be so pleasant I know at the end of this tunnel will flourish something beautiful.

The journey continues….because whoever my “one” is, will completely and totally love me for who I am and not what they think I’m supposed to be.

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

@VenusLux Interview via @KEMTopTalk on #BlogTalkRadio

venus_lux_purple_corset_1Venus Lux was a hit tonight on @KEMTopTalk radio! Wow! I love it when Adult Entertainers get in depth and real when it comes to discussing their lives, personal choices and struggles to become the beautiful people they are today.

I really loved Venus’ take on how she mentors people, reminding them that coming out and presenting yourself to the world in the eyes you see yourself is okay and there’s nothing wrong with that. Coming from the Asian culture and having to endure that the beliefs that were instilled in her growing up were not what she felt about herself and how she viewed the journey of her life and what she wished to acquire.

Master Vyle called at the beginning to the show as I opened up the show talking about Married at First Sight and the dealings with “arranged marriages” and why this has become the new phenomena. Whether it’s good or bad or different, at the end of the day, we both agree that relationships take work and commitment. If you’re not committed, relationships generally fail…don’t they? For more on Master Vyle you can follow him on http://www.twitter.com/master_vyle and follow his blogs houseofmastervyle.blogspot.com

kemtoptalk-logoLG600

If you missed the show you can now listen here www.kemtoptalk.com

For more on Venus Lux you can connect with her here:

http://www.starfactorypr.com/venus-lux-bio.html

http://wwww.starfactorypr.com/venus-lux

http://www.Venus-Lux.com

http://www.VenusLux.cammodels.com

http://facebook.com/TheRealVenusLux

http://twitter.com/VenusLux

http://instagram.com/VenusLux

I want to thank everyone who listened to the show and tune in next week for more show!

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