Suicide

Today Chester Bennington killed himself…on Chris Cornell’s birthday no less.

About a month ago we lost Chris Cornell with his suicide.

These will not be last of what we hear when people take their own lives.

However, when it’s someone we know or a musician/celebrity who had inspired us in our lives whether it was a difficult point in our personal lives or not, those deaths touch us in a deep way. I’m left wondering what were the last thoughts in their mind? What were they thinking? Did they think about what they were leaving behind, who they would be hurting as a result of ending their lives, by their own hands.

It really sucks. There are no words.

However, I do have choice words for those who mock those who take their lives.

For some reason these people have a belief system that either money or their fame should fix these inner feelings of hopelessness. Especially when they compare their own lives to a life of a celebrity.

Sorry, you cannot compare your life with a life of a celebrity. Their lives consist of a more demanding level of having to appease people they work for. But let’s forget that for a moment and think about the human level.

I’ll share my own personal experience with you.

There was a time in my life, I felt complete and utter hopelessness. Yes, every day I went to bed with a blade, waiting for the nerve for me to cut myself and end my life. But when I looked at my life and looked at my cats, the first thing I wondered was, well who will take care of them? And somewhere deep inside, I felt I had more to live than just making it all end, because I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore.

You see, being a recovering addict, clean and sober for the last 26 years, I had too much pride to use again.  So going out to a bar and getting drunk wasn’t an option. But at the time I had about 10 years clean give or take so even then, my mind wasn’t thinking, “well you can do 10 years again.”

It just wasn’t in the cards.

But I didn’t like this hopeless feeling. I felt like I was in a black hole and it was just getting deeper and deeper.  Pretty awful to say the least. The every day crying didn’t help either. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings to my family because I didn’t want them to think I was some emotional failure who couldn’t control my feelings and just move on from whatever it was I was going through.

At the time, I had made a drastic change in my life and through that change, I realized how many people I had hurt and let down and no matter how much I said I was sorry, I couldn’t find a way out to forgive myself, for being human.

I sought and found a therapist I can talk to, even if I just sat there and cried. I began blogging in a journal and even kept an online journal. As crazy as people thought at the time displaying your life for the whole world to see (and here we are today), it was the one thing that made me feel better.

Not giving a fuck what people thought about my mistakes, my pain, my life.

It was mine to bear. It was mine to learn from.

It came to a point where the blade I kept from my bedside became part of the trash. No matter how many times I put it close to my wrist, the bottom line was I loved my life too much and I couldn’t bear the pain of letting anyone down.

People who make cruel comments about suicide are people who are cowards who can’t deal with their own feelings of failure or hopelessness. It is a coward act to make fun of people who feel depressed or sad. Not everyone is happy and joyous every day. Shit happens. Life happens.

To expect for anyone whether your life exists living in front of the cameras or not, at the end of the day, we are humans with real emotions.

Every day,  we walk out into the world and we wear our “masks”.

When I lived in New York, my mask was the angry mask. For many years, I wasn’t happy living in NYC with all the madness and the “rush rush, where the fuck are you going/doing” attitude.

That was another roller coaster of feelings for me because living in NYC was like swimming in water never arriving to the island where I can get a chance to breath and rest. It was a horrible life. But that’s just me. People who live in NYC love it and that’s good for them.

It just wasn’t good for me anymore.

I’ve been living in Arizona now for almost eight months.

My first trilogy book is complete and in the process of proofreading and making changes to the first draft. I would have never finished this book had I still been stuck in New York.

I live in a great apartment. My dogs and cats are a happy bunch. It’s nice to go out to my patio at night and look at the stars. It’s nice to be home in ten minutes and enjoy the sunlight and talk to my parents without making complaints about the trains or the people upstairs prancing around all hours of the night disturbing my sleep or the bathroom ceiling caving in.

But these are material things…right?

Can material things make you happy? Sure.

Can they take away your depression. No.

But I can say this. I wanted to make a change in my life. My relocation began a series of wonderful things that happened in my life because I MADE the choice.

The beautiful thing about life is choice. When you feel you don’t have one, pick up the phone and call someone. There is always a choice. Never believe what your head tells you.

As a recovering addict I believed that I cannot do without alcohol. I remember telling friends of mine, after a year, I’m going to drink and I’m going to do it right. I will control myself.

After a year, I made two years, then three, and so forth.

When I don’t feel right, no matter what those feelings are, no matter if I feel stupid sharing them, there’s a friend I have that will listen to me and tell me I’m going to be all right, no matter what.

I’m glad to be alive. I’m glad I can feel. I happy I can love.

But the greatest love, is the love I have for myself.

Never, ever doubt  you can’t be the best person you can be.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

1-800-273-8255

You don’t have to know a person in order for them to save your life.

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

 

Let’s Make it Clear

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It’s been a while since I’ve posted on my WordPress blog so here we go. I think it’s about time for a post like this, long overdue.

So, for the last few months, I’ve been trolling and watching the social medialites blab on their soliloquies, wondering if anyone is really listening or reading for that matter.

A few months ago, one of the automated paper.li tweets mentioned a person (who shall remain nameless), who became upset at the fact they were mentioned.

What the fuck, I thought to myself. Why is this person getting a hair up their ass over being mentioned by paper.li – when the paper is actually promoting their stupid shit.

I’m not one to argue with people on Twitter. The back and forth banter just doesn’t look good and at the end of the day, I’m running a business. I’m not here to throw mud at idiots (maybe once in a while LOL).

So I ended up blocking this person. Funny this person has noted in their profile they’re a coach or expert on some sort of fetish thing.

Right….and I’m an expert on building the Brooklyn Bridge.

Yet again, a similar incident happened with another person, who shall remain nameless. Bear in mind, some of these people are not even worth putting on blast and I’ll get to that “why” in a minute.

I see a response from the paper.li tweet, “Please take me off this or I will have you all blocked”, something to that effect. This time I didn’t hold back.  My response was pretty clear about this automated tweet and if you don’t like it we’ll just block you.  #stuckup

I mean really? What the fuck is wrong with people? Yet here’s another one who owns something similar to Kink~E Magazine #WeOpenTheDoor – all of these sites mind you are the same as my magazine.

Now I’m not saying Kink~E Magazine was the first fetish magazine ever. Back in the day, newspapers and personals were used in order to connect with kink communities. The only logical way back then was connecting via newspapers and personals through letter writing and perhaps phone contact.

When I began establishing my presence online was in mid 2000, when AOL gave you your own webpage as part of your subscription and I began keeping an online diary of my blind dates.  My friends thought I was insane to put my life out there, but at the time, and still now, I didn’t care. It was a great way for me to share exactly what was going on in my life, what I felt about blind dating and the blind dating itself. This was sort of a release for me. Life wasn’t good for me back then. I made a terrible choice that ended up saving my life. I did’t see it then but I see it now. Anyway as part of my restoration of self progress I was keeping these online dairies and it helped me put a lot of things into perspective with my life, myself and my needs of what I wanted in a relationship.

Even when guys got wind of my blogging, I realized they were only dating me so I can blog about them, even when they knew there was a bigger possibility of me writing not so good things about them. Maybe they were learning themselves how to be better on the next date. Who knows?

I did discover this. Because of my blogging, I was able to connect with women who related to the horrors of blind dating and it gave me an idea on how to expand on that and incorporating fetish lifestyle, one I personally live and enjoy. It was important for me to connect some type of alternative lifestyle because it wasn’t good for women to secretly keep ideas of fetish to themselves or feel shame to express something they really liked and wanted to explore. So there’s your bit of history of Kink~E Magazine.

The Internet was just booming by then and other than your local newspapers, how many fetish magazine sites did you find in 2002 as oppose to now? Today we are saturated with endless means of fetish advice, domination along with the fakers looking to rake in fast cash without having to honor what they say they are offering.

I’m not going to put down my magazine by any means.  I really believe that having this opportunity, I opened the door along with others who are still around today who believe in promoting the alternative lifestyle correctly.

I’m sure anyone that looks at the magazine thinks to themselves, “Oh I can do this better”.  I’m sure you can.

On the other hand, thanks to my business management courses and communication courses (yes unlike most I’m actually getting a real degree), I continue to transition the magazine and once again it will be seeing another transition. So while people are taking a back seat stealing ideas, they have yet to see what my pretty little head is putting together.

One thing I’ve learned about all of these social medialites and their sites, everyone is a “shark” waiting for their hater to disclose what they are doing so they can copy it. Don’t think I even noticed one site who conveniently copied the same last four digits of my business phone number. (Yeah I caught that).

Now back to my “why” point about not putting people on blast. First and foremost they aren’t worth it. Second and most importantly, why bother give these assholes any type of notoriety?

If you’re paying attention to your social media feed, really read what people are writing. If you’re following someone who’s apparently some coach of sorts, why is it they become easily offended over a tweet that’s actually promoting them? Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of someone who claims they are here to enhance your self esteem but catch an attitude at the mere fact they are being mentioned in a positive way? Also, think about this, why aren’t people looking up what paper.li is?

It’s super easy. All you have to do is go on google and type in paper.li…wow how simple is that?

Here’s another thing about me. I’m not one to pitch a fucking fit if someone tags me on something. Actually, I’m grateful that other people in supporting communities think of me or my magazine to tag us and help them not only promote but inform.

Wow…let’s read that word again….”Inform”.

me

Resting Bitch Face Part II

I mean I would think so….unless I missed the memo of the weekly stupidity report. (I always seem to miss those.)

Oh this is a good example. Recently, the President and his wife went on a venture trip and part of that trip was to visit the Pope. According to protocol, the first lady is supposed to dress in black with a veil. The next day I get up and there are hash tags going around she’s dressing for her future.

Look, motherfuckers, it’s shit like this that pisses me off. I think to myself how other countries must look at us and how stupid we are. Does anyone do their homework or research or are you taking things at face value.  I go and look up as to why Melania Trump is dressed like this and find out when Michelle Obama when to visit the pope with her husband she was also dressed in the same get up. So where was the hashtag for her? Not…right? Protocol dummies. #DoYourHomework

I never thought I would see such a level of stupidity and on a daily basis.

Am I pissed off? Hell yeah? Please people wake up and read. Take a history course. If you don’t know something or a term in social media, look the shit up before flying off on the deep end making all sorts of unrealistic threats, especially over a mention on paper.li. There is too much shit going on in this world to solely focus on hate that’s not going to change.  Hello Manchester fucking assholes. While everyone is diluted in their own hate look at the shit going on around you!

I mean, really?

And then here we are back at the lab where you have some of these bitches talking about they’re a coach? An advisor? A sexpert (now there’s a recent term for the last few years).

All of these are great names while most aren’t backed up with a degree. #Sad.

What’s even sadder is no one is evolving. People spend more time copying and not really make a real name for themselves other than social media. Whoever their followers are, they make a star for themselves but let me tell you ladies, once you step out the door of your apartment, you are like everyone else. No one is stopping you in the street for an autograph. You’re not getting nominated for Person of the Year in Time Magazine or a star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

I’m not sure what we are coming to. Almost frightening when I think about it.  I try to stay in my own lane and focus on finishing my book An Illegal Affair (which is in its final stages before proofreading), but at times I veer off course and see stupid shit like, (in valley girl voice), “you betta take me off that tweet or I’m going to block you”.

Really, fuck you bitch. No one has time for such meagerness.

Good luck being 60 and thinking you’re going to get some man to pay you for a BDSM session.

That’s the funny part. Some of these women are forgetting day by day they are getting older.

Better think about your future princesses.

Until then.

Marabelle Blue~

Kink~E Magazine – Fourteen Years In the Making….

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I can’t believe how much time has passed.

If you ask me back then in 2000 after my break up and finding myself in how to exist in this world, “would you ever imagined owning a popular magazine where you would feature and interview people in the entertainment industry?” – I would have simply answered, “Nope”.

To understand who I was in 2000, I started writing my autobiography several years ago and has been a pain staking process. It’s not fun to have to relive certain shit but in the matter of helping someone else is part of the reason why I’m writing my book. In the interim, I’m also in the midst of writing several erotica books, including three self help books.

“To write about pain is to understand where that pain stems from.” (From “How I View the World with Me In It”, author, Marabelle Blue ©2016).

It’s not an easy feat to contend with because as humans we are so used to blaming the other person or circumstances for our choices. I’ve seen it happen and I myself have privy to that type of behavior.

I couldn’t see all of this when I started my magazine. All I saw was a group of people who lived (including myself) in an Alternative world that didn’t have a place to share their voice. Sure we have other types of periodicals where alternative voices were heard, but that seemed to slowly die out once people became aware of this thing called the Internet.

Through blogging my own personal journeys, I did two years of research and spoke with many different people from local NYC underground communities.

At first I wanted the magazine to be this dark place, almost like a dungeon, where fetish became alive and the voices behind the fetish underground were free to speak and share why they enjoyed this lifestyle.

While the magazine was making it’s rounds online, I remember attending a party at Mother with Master Steelow, my real first exposure of seeing the BDSM lifestyle at work (trust you won’t find it in 50 Shades) and talking to him about the magazine, but at the time it was so new, I don’t think he took me seriously. At least that was the way I took it.

The first few years was rough. I was learning how to maintain a website, let alone create one from scratch and decipher the content. The magazine went through phases, what worked and what didn’t work. When Myspace rolled along, this was my starting point of using social media and getting people to read the magazine which was great and good exposure to not only reach those within the U.S. but also outside of the United States.

People began referring to me as Miss Kink but I wanted something more relevant, a personality which was true to my reflection. Being I was calling myself  Marabelle Blue, I decided to the name and market myself myself an individual who was also part of Kink~E Magazine.

One of the things I learned about social media and exposing yourself to the public is someone coming along thinking they can snatch your shit and make it better. That’s when the evil old lady from Australia came in and plagiarized my magazine. After going through the proper channels on how to address her bullshit the battle ended with one winner. Did she really think she was going to win?

Here’s the deal, when you create something, people will always come in and try to mimic you and ride your band wagon. It happens every time to everyone. One of the most important things I’ve learned within the social media spectrum, don’t brag and don’t expose your shit until it’s good and ready. Sure we all want to brag and there’s nothing wrong with healthy sharing about your progress and confidence, however, yet another when you spend all day tweeting or facebooking on how fabulous you are. The only ones who are the ones who don’t feel good about themselves. It becomes cult like after a while.

Over time with the good things and the not so good things, Kink~E Magazine finally found a place in people’s lives and hearts and that has to do with many of the writers who have come and joined the fold realizing this was a place to share thoughts, opinions and/or grievances. A place where we feature people in the entertainment industry in the sincerest of light and not just making sex the number one topic.

Behind the life of every performer is a sincere, empathetic person who loves what they do and isn’t afraid to show it.  Behind every authors are people who share their most intimate thoughts in story telling and behind every opinion is a person who stands strong in their plight.

The internet has grown a lot. And with that growth, we all continue to keep KinkE on top with interesting notes and topics, discussing current issues and trends.

I still keep up with my good Kink’s Korner (remember how Charlie Sheen copied me with Sheen’s Corner), discussing relationships and life in NYC.

A lot will change within Kink~E Magazine, all good things. I won’t disclose yet what those changes are (we still have the copy haters watching), but I will say this, this past year has been the best. I enjoyed every issue and what we feature to you.

For all the times I wanted to give up, I would get an email from someone telling me how much they enjoyed reading the articles in the magazine, how much they found they weren’t alone in what they were feeling, there was no way I would give this up.

When BBW came along, we found a whole new audience lovers of Big Beautiful woman. Thank you @theKimmieKaboom for the enticing interviews she brings.

Thanks to my girl Dr. Sue (@DoctorSue) and her expert field in cuckolding (among other topics) and Christine who has been hitting the hardcore topics of hate in America and just America itself. And for Dirk who keeps the fetish articles alive in offering advice and tips in how to play it safe.

To all the past writers who have shared their thoughts and advice on topics we seem to discuss behind closed doors when it shouldn’t be that way.

Most importantly I need to thank every person who has contributed and supported Kink~E Magazine for all of these years.

We stand united in our alternative beliefs and lifestyle. This isn’t just about sex or porn or fetish life and gender roles, this is about life and respecting each other’s values and belief system whatever that may be and for as long as you’re not hurting anyone deliberately. (I need to make that clear.)

There is not one person living who is a “God” who can tell us who to love or not to love, how to have sex and why certain behaviors are “wrong”, that’s just unrealistic.

With that being said, Happy Birthday to Kink~E Magazine and thank you to each and every person who continues to support us.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

Check out KEM TopTalk latest shows

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Tidbits for the Day

Remember when @rihanna sang how she liked whips and chains and suddenly everyone was into #Fetish.

You don’t need a celebrity to condone your lifestyle. Do you!

@KinkEMagazineThe Finest in Alternative Lifestyles!

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@KEMTopTalk guest @planet12Law Getting Down and Dirty Hightlights

kemtoptalk-logoLG600I have to say I am really pleased with this show. I find myself daring to ask questions that maybe no one will ever ask and Planet 12 L*A*W nailed all of my questions with his honesty to dare to say what people are thinking. The phones started to come in one by one by one, before I knew it there were four people on the line and more people were calling in. Bronwye from Australia and a big Planet L*A*W fan, called in and not only did she call in but she stayed on for the whole entire two hour show. Discussions went from Michael Jackson to Stevie Wonder, The Temptation, DeBarge, the music industry today and Jay Z proposing TIDAL, the new online streaming service that the artist controls (someone’s been watching Empire) and the craziness of Kanye West. Danny Blaq even joined the chat room asking L*A*W if anyone has thrown panties on stage…I can only image how Vegas is going to be when L*A*W takes the stage. It was a great show!

I closed the show with the disturbing “trend” that took place after the fire in the East Village which made me question where are the priorities of people today. For more on this blog you can read here https://marabelleblue.wordpress.com/2015/03/29/step-2-of-the-12-steps-came-to-believe-restored-to-sanity-nyc-fire-selfie-post/

Honorable mentions: @dannyblaqvideos @sybianmaker Rumor Hotel in Vegas Join our Vegas Milestone event www.eventsbymblue.com Read our latest issue www.kinkemagazine.com Note: http://www.kemtoptalk.com will be updated later this week.

Follow L*A*W on twitter: @planet12law and @Planet12Nation

Follow Marabelle Blue: @MarabelleBlue @KinkEMagazine @KEMTopTalk and coming soon @DivineSinsation

Thank you so much for your support! See you in Vegas! http://www.blogtalkradio.com/kinkemagazine/2015/04/01/marabelleblue-gets-down-and-dirty-with-planet12law-kemtoptalk-show