The New Fade-A-Way – When Your “Friends” Choose Their Man over You.

Back in 2003 to 2006, I was dating heavily. I was so open to meeting guys and perhaps being in a new relationship, the thoughts of falling in love excited me. However, my “imaginary prince” was never found or he didn’t find me….yet.

Well back then, when my friends and I were discussing the new phase of online dating and meeting an assortment of guys, or not, we found one common theme started to happen to us and to many other women….the fade-a-way.

Women who were literally investing time with a guy they felt, “wow this guy may be the one, at least for now”, establishing new relationships for weeks and then suddenly, *POOF*, the guy is gone with no explanation. More than half of the times, these woman haven’t had sex with the guy. Such a very similar situation happened with me I’ll share with you.

It was 2004 (I think), Myspace was the social media platform everyone was using. Probably one of the best that followed Friendster (remember that?). Not only did you get to meet creative and eclectic people on Myspace, but you also got to meet guys. Such as one guy I “met” who lived out in PA. He actually reached out to me and our small talk became intimate immediately. He shared personal things with me regarding his family life and changes that were taking place in his life as he was taking custody of his two children at the time.

We would talk for hours. He was someone I really saw establishing a relationship with. A well to do guy, two young children, in the middle of purchasing a house.

There were some initial questions I asked myself, was I willing to move to another state, was I willing to become a stepmom and perhaps endure family issues that was currently happening wit the natural mom if she decided to stay in the picture, etc. etc.

Yes there was a lot to consider at the time and yes I was willing to take on the responsibility.

I was careful not to share my thoughts with him because when you really like someone, you don’t to scare them off, so I stood silent about my feelings.

Weeks had gone by without incident as he shared with me how he was preparing for an upcoming custody court case. Since that was the pressing topic we spoke more about that and flirted about meeting and being together.

When the day came for his court hearing, I sent him a message wishing him luck and to contact me when he was done. I didn’t anticipate to hear from right away but when a few hours flew by and I hadn’t heard anything, i grew genuinely concerned. Did something go wrong? Did the judge not agree with him on some issue?

After that I contacted him again and asked if everything was okay…no answer. A whole day had gone by with no response.

I contacted him later in the evening and still no answer. Couldn’t get a grip if something seriously had gone wrong and he just wasn’t willing to talk about it. Although my feelings were hurt, I figured, okay he needs some time, so hopefully I’ll hear from him tomorrow and he’ll be willing to talk about it.

Tomorrow and the days that followed, nothing. Not a word. I read and reread our emails, checking to see if I said something wrong. Nope, didn’t find anything there. I checked his profile on Myspace and “surprise” he had logged in. That was the beauty of Myspace, you can always see the last login of the person. I realized then, this was a fade-a-way. It was nothing I said wrong, it was just another dummy who couldn’t and didn’t have the balls to say, “hey, I like you a lot but I feel on my end it’s not going to work out for me.”

Sure I would have been hurt, but I’m a grown ass woman. At some point I was going to get over it. In the same note, I wondered why would I want to be with a man who wasn’t forthcoming or honest and this is the same man who will be raising two young children. What will he be teaching them?

Needless to say, for that story, I did look him up on facebook, as woman do and think I was glad his next relationship was with someone who was butt ugly.

Now that I’ve shared this story, here’s the wrapping up point (I say all this to say), recently two people one who was in my life since 2000 and the other was in my life since 2013 have long disappeared without any explanation, except, wait a minute, their relationships dictated who they should remain friends with.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand is when a woman devalues her friendships with the one man who can give a fuck less when they break up with you after they’ve built you up to evolve your whole life around them.

It sucks when a guy just decides to stop speaking to you when they’ve lost interest. Any woman (one would hope) can get past that, but when you have friends where your friendships were built on the commonality of what you both enjoy and whatever you had shared as friends and that ends over a man. There’s just only one thing to say about that….

middle-finger-mblue-wordspress-post

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,
MB~

 

Leaving New York…

byebyeplateAbout a month ago I tried putting this post up and it wouldn’t let me save into draft form and it wouldn’t let me post either which was weird.

Despite the technical difficulties, I wanted to share my feelings from the past until now in regards to leaving NYC.

About a month ago, I received an offer I just could not refuse. Through my current employer (yes I do have a day job), an opening came up I couldn’t bypass and after several weeks of interviewing I was offered the position.

I never really shared with anyone about the job or what my plans were. It was probably my best kept secret. Sure I shared with a few close friends, but nothing I needed to share on social media, public or personal.

Once the job was offered, it took me forever to pack. Not realizing how much shit I had, I never really organized myself in this move. Being depressed every now and then didn’t help and of course my parents were too busy to help me pack. I’m not sure what was going on with me. It was a distressed feeling as through the packing was draining me.

I saved everything for the last minute. It was just awful. As excited I was to move, I was still suffering with some form of depression. Even in the state of mind I was finally leaving NYC, I couldn’t shake the dead weight of my mind.

Needless to say, once I did make an announcement I was moving, everyone was sending me messages, asking where was I moving to. Some people didn’t realize they were on a need to know basis, on top of that was any one of these people for me when other things were going on in my life where I could have used a friend? Now, relocating, suddenly people want to be your friend.

No thank you.

Of course a select few were chosen to know, people who I regard as friends.

Right down to the last week, I got cheap to buy more boxes to move the rest of my things into storage since there was only so much money to go around it was either move me or move my things. (Hence the go fund me page www.gofundme.com/mbluemove).

While my stuff is hauled up in storage due to arrive the later part of January, I have to say relocating was the best choice I ever made for my life.

I never thought I would feel a sense of peace. I had been extremely unhappy in NYC since 2009, all I ever wanted to do was leave. When this opportunity came, what better way to go.

It was emotionally taxing to leave. A city I loved for so long felt as though every turn I made to try something new and better myself, wasn’t happening in an overpriced residence. I didn’t like my neighbors anymore, the noise became unbearable. The constant shoving and being squashed by people on the 1 line with those tiny chairs no one fit unless you were like 5 years old, just wasn’t cutting it for me.

My friend has asked me the last two weeks if I miss the Bronx….well.

I don’t.

NYC served its purpose. Something similar my ex said in 2001 when I thought we were working towards reconciliation. Some things serve a purpose and once that purpose is fulfilled, it’s time to move on.

For those of you wondering (and if you’ve seen my instagram posts you already know), I live in Arizona now. Close to Vegas and California. I was scared it would become a “Squidville” episode (for those who watch Spongebob), but thankfully it hasn’t.

I have found a bit of peace in the sea of my own chaos…the ones that live in my head. 😉

And finally you know that crazy question people ask….did you take all your animals? I ask., did you take all your children when you moved?

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

 

Kink~E Magazine – Fourteen Years In the Making….

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I can’t believe how much time has passed.

If you ask me back then in 2000 after my break up and finding myself in how to exist in this world, “would you ever imagined owning a popular magazine where you would feature and interview people in the entertainment industry?” – I would have simply answered, “Nope”.

To understand who I was in 2000, I started writing my autobiography several years ago and has been a pain staking process. It’s not fun to have to relive certain shit but in the matter of helping someone else is part of the reason why I’m writing my book. In the interim, I’m also in the midst of writing several erotica books, including three self help books.

“To write about pain is to understand where that pain stems from.” (From “How I View the World with Me In It”, author, Marabelle Blue ©2016).

It’s not an easy feat to contend with because as humans we are so used to blaming the other person or circumstances for our choices. I’ve seen it happen and I myself have privy to that type of behavior.

I couldn’t see all of this when I started my magazine. All I saw was a group of people who lived (including myself) in an Alternative world that didn’t have a place to share their voice. Sure we have other types of periodicals where alternative voices were heard, but that seemed to slowly die out once people became aware of this thing called the Internet.

Through blogging my own personal journeys, I did two years of research and spoke with many different people from local NYC underground communities.

At first I wanted the magazine to be this dark place, almost like a dungeon, where fetish became alive and the voices behind the fetish underground were free to speak and share why they enjoyed this lifestyle.

While the magazine was making it’s rounds online, I remember attending a party at Mother with Master Steelow, my real first exposure of seeing the BDSM lifestyle at work (trust you won’t find it in 50 Shades) and talking to him about the magazine, but at the time it was so new, I don’t think he took me seriously. At least that was the way I took it.

The first few years was rough. I was learning how to maintain a website, let alone create one from scratch and decipher the content. The magazine went through phases, what worked and what didn’t work. When Myspace rolled along, this was my starting point of using social media and getting people to read the magazine which was great and good exposure to not only reach those within the U.S. but also outside of the United States.

People began referring to me as Miss Kink but I wanted something more relevant, a personality which was true to my reflection. Being I was calling myself  Marabelle Blue, I decided to the name and market myself myself an individual who was also part of Kink~E Magazine.

One of the things I learned about social media and exposing yourself to the public is someone coming along thinking they can snatch your shit and make it better. That’s when the evil old lady from Australia came in and plagiarized my magazine. After going through the proper channels on how to address her bullshit the battle ended with one winner. Did she really think she was going to win?

Here’s the deal, when you create something, people will always come in and try to mimic you and ride your band wagon. It happens every time to everyone. One of the most important things I’ve learned within the social media spectrum, don’t brag and don’t expose your shit until it’s good and ready. Sure we all want to brag and there’s nothing wrong with healthy sharing about your progress and confidence, however, yet another when you spend all day tweeting or facebooking on how fabulous you are. The only ones who are the ones who don’t feel good about themselves. It becomes cult like after a while.

Over time with the good things and the not so good things, Kink~E Magazine finally found a place in people’s lives and hearts and that has to do with many of the writers who have come and joined the fold realizing this was a place to share thoughts, opinions and/or grievances. A place where we feature people in the entertainment industry in the sincerest of light and not just making sex the number one topic.

Behind the life of every performer is a sincere, empathetic person who loves what they do and isn’t afraid to show it.  Behind every authors are people who share their most intimate thoughts in story telling and behind every opinion is a person who stands strong in their plight.

The internet has grown a lot. And with that growth, we all continue to keep KinkE on top with interesting notes and topics, discussing current issues and trends.

I still keep up with my good Kink’s Korner (remember how Charlie Sheen copied me with Sheen’s Corner), discussing relationships and life in NYC.

A lot will change within Kink~E Magazine, all good things. I won’t disclose yet what those changes are (we still have the copy haters watching), but I will say this, this past year has been the best. I enjoyed every issue and what we feature to you.

For all the times I wanted to give up, I would get an email from someone telling me how much they enjoyed reading the articles in the magazine, how much they found they weren’t alone in what they were feeling, there was no way I would give this up.

When BBW came along, we found a whole new audience lovers of Big Beautiful woman. Thank you @theKimmieKaboom for the enticing interviews she brings.

Thanks to my girl Dr. Sue (@DoctorSue) and her expert field in cuckolding (among other topics) and Christine who has been hitting the hardcore topics of hate in America and just America itself. And for Dirk who keeps the fetish articles alive in offering advice and tips in how to play it safe.

To all the past writers who have shared their thoughts and advice on topics we seem to discuss behind closed doors when it shouldn’t be that way.

Most importantly I need to thank every person who has contributed and supported Kink~E Magazine for all of these years.

We stand united in our alternative beliefs and lifestyle. This isn’t just about sex or porn or fetish life and gender roles, this is about life and respecting each other’s values and belief system whatever that may be and for as long as you’re not hurting anyone deliberately. (I need to make that clear.)

There is not one person living who is a “God” who can tell us who to love or not to love, how to have sex and why certain behaviors are “wrong”, that’s just unrealistic.

With that being said, Happy Birthday to Kink~E Magazine and thank you to each and every person who continues to support us.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

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Celebrating 25 Years!

this is me

Here I am. Today I have 25 years clean and sober.

In 1991, I walked in to my first meeting after doing a stint in rehab. I didn’t know what to expect nor did I understand what the hell was going on here. So we all meet at these places and talk about how pathetic we are? Do we get to drink again at some point? I mean you know this was all well and good, but did I really have a problem?

I just overdid it but now I can control it. “Just give me some time, and you’ll see”, I told all my friends. “Let me just clean up for a year and then I can control my drinking, I’ll be all right.”

From my autobiography: “How I View the World with Me in It: From 1968 to Present” (copyright 2016)

I walked in to my friend meeting in April I believe. I did believe I could control it. I think I was clean for a few weeks when I found myself heading into this popular corner store, to buy a Coors Light. I remember looking around to see if anyone saw me. I put the beer in a brown paper bag, opened it and put a straw in it and took a sip. I left the store feeling guilty but that guilt, I was going to make it go away. I didn’t have a problem. I was not like the people at the meetings. They were doing hard core drugs and I wasn’t, so I can control it.

Three beers later, I was feeling the effects. I had no stamina when it came to drinking and it wouldn’t be long before I found myself at 140 Street and Amsterdam.

I have contemplated how much I’m willing to share in my book. It has been hard writing your life story without feeling the effects. I feel elated sometimes, I feel pain, pain I don’t want to feel, memories I want to forget. I see my friends in the street, “don’t you remember me”, sadly there are some I can’t remember. My colorful life took away some memories of friendships I had with people.

I have made amends to some, but amends don’t stop. Amends are not just saying you’re sorry it is about what can I do. If I can’t make amends to a person, how can I be effective towards society? Perhaps give to a cause.

Yes I do these things and then some. I don’t need to make an announcement about what I do or how I support a cause whether or not it’s in money or volunteering, quite honestly it’s no one’s business. It’s the relationship I have with the Universe.

Some people call it God. I call it mother nature. God to me is complex.

I stay clean by choice.

I don’t begrudge anyone who does drugs because every day I walk on 34th street, I see it in my face. The signs of homelessness, the ones sprawled out in the street on a high I can’t even begin to understand.

I’ve gotten the shock value, “You don’t drink” as people gasp under their breath, “do you smoke pot?”

No, pot is drug, regardless of what people say. It’s a mood and mind altering chemical. End of story. What I don’t like is when people think it’s okay to smoke pot (that synthetic shit) out in a public park while receiving hand outs from the government (another story for another time).

Some people are not sure how to behave around me. There isn’t a special treatment I need. I am me. I didn’t know who ‘me’ was for the longest of time. I wanted to be someone else, live in someone else’s life. I hated everything about me but when I was high and drunk I didn’t have to be me. I didn’t have to think about what people thought of me.

This journey has been amazing. I remember having a sponsor share at one of my meetings and one thing she said I completely understand today was, “I could care less if you don’t like me, that’s not what I’m here for.”

What? I thought to myself. How can you not care????

I get it now. When I got clean, there were no cells phone and no internet. My life was limited as to what I can do and where I can go because my parents did not trust me. My father finally believed I was clean when I celebrated five years clean. Until then, he wasn’t sure.

When I finish my book, you will understand a little bit better on who I am, where I come from and hope that my story will inspire maybe one person to believe in themselves.

I’m not ashamed of who I am. My sensitivity towards celebrity deaths from overdose and the evil things people say, haven’t a clue of what the fuck they are talking about. Thank goodness you’re not addicted, maybe to stupidity but that’s better than being a slave to a drug that makes you believe you are nothing without it.

No not everyone is an addict via drugs, anyone can be addicted to anything these days. People have made choices in their lives and when they don’t like the outcome it becomes someone else’s fault. People hate for no reason at all other than to reflect that inner hate on to others, plain and simple.

Also, anyone can be clean for an ‘x’ amount of time…I believe that, but can you comply with the changes when life happens?

I found this quote years ago and I’ll end with this.

“Growing old is mandatory, Growing up is optional”

How are you livin’?

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

Adventures at the Zoo – Rethink Your Parenting Skills

So I’m going to say this and keep it as short and sweet as I can because this is just outrages.

When I was a little girl, my parents took me to the Bronx Zoo, as a matter of fact they took me the zoo quite often. It was almost as if we went a couple of times a month (probably not but it felt that way).

Now think, times were different when I was a little girl. I don’t think society was as evil as it was back in the seventies but also there wasn’t an internet so having the internet keeps evil shit in our face.

This whole thing with the kid “falling” into the gorilla den and having the gorilla killed because of it, the parents should be held fully accountable. How stupid are these parents they didn’t see their child fall?

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Hello, the kid is 3 years old!!!! What the fuck? Do you not have a stroller they can sit in when they get tired of walking? What kind fucking parent are you?

There is nothing that pisses me off when an animal is killed because of mindless stupid ass parents who act like their child is ready to venture out and explore life at a year old.

Why do people become parents? Why do they decide to have children? Ask yourself?

I’m not a mother but I’m also not stupid. I think I have enough common sense to know if there’s a place where my child may not be safe, why let them roam around?

My parents have footage of me at the zoo and guess what? There was a STROLLER my mom pushed around when I decided to get cranky and tired of walking.

I don’t know if it’s me or people who are becoming parents of the 21st century are just god damn stupid.

Just last week I’m on 34th Street crossing the street from Macy’s going towards 8th avenue when the couple in front of me has two babies, one in a carriage and one in a stroller. Asshole man, doesn’t have his baby tied up, missed lifting the stroller on to the sidewalk and where is the kid? Flat out on the floor. SMH.

I don’t know people…ya’ll better get it together if you’re going to take care of another human being. I mean if you can’t take care of yourself, maybe you should rethink about becoming a parent.

It’s the same way when people wanted these manufactured mini dogs to carry around in their purse. Guess what? You have to take care of them too!

Do I think the parents should be charged? Absolutely.

There’s my rant, take it or leave it. I can care less. LOL.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

#TheBachelor @benhiggi E5 – Cleaning House

The ladies arrive in Mexico City where once again Olivia is convinced the date card is for her.
 
Guess what???
 
It’s not LOL. 
ben and amanda.jpgIt was actually Amanda.
 
Oh, but Olivia had much to say about Amanda. She doesn’t believe Ben is the right person for her because she has children.
 
Really Olivia? You are a fucking child.
 
The next day, Ben wakes the girls up at 4:30 in the morning so he can see all of them in their element. Surprisingly, Cray Cray Jub had her hair in head while Olivia left pieces of her weave on the dresser. It was pretty funny to hear Ben ask, “who’s weave is this?” Definitely an LOL moment.
 
Ben finally did find Amanda and as they headed off on their date, Olivia, having a conversation with Lauren H. and telling her she completely disagrees Ben should keep her, especially since she’s been away from her kids for quite some time. She also doesn’t believe it would work out, if Ben wanted children, he would have had them.
 
Really Olivia? Are you a psychologist now? Perhaps you should be on the show, “Married At First Sight” and after a whole psychological work up, I’m sure none of the advisors on that show would pick her to be with someone. That marriage wouldn’t last more than a week.
 
During Ben and Amanda’s date, she expressed concerns on her interview regarding relationships and marriage because at her such youthful age, she’s already lived that life where Ben has not. In real life, relationships like this are truly a challenge. You can’t expect for someone to come into your life and adjust to your needs and your family without adjusting to his needs.
 
While Amanda seems to be on a “long extended date”, according to Jubilee (cray cray), she’s upset and jealous that Ben is spending more and more time with the other ladies and not her. If she thinks really hard about their one on one date, it wasn’t romantic at all, and the proceeding episodes he treats her as just one of the guys. You can take the ghetto out of the hood and the ghetto will always follow LOL. It just won’t jive with Ben’s family. Let’s not pretend here guys.
 
The group date card arrives and the names are read as follows (with Olivia begging not to want to be a part of the group date because she wants to spend more time with “her man”).
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Does Success Derive from Humility?

Seems to be the question of the moment for me after watching Robin Meade this morning report in the news on Kanye’s rant at SNL. Was this before or after the “sweet” Taylor Swift not only accepted her award but reminded everyone when you work hard, accept the rewards [awards] with gratitude and never let anyone tell you different.

Well she didn’t put it in those exact words but you get the message right?

When Ms. Swift made her speech I didn’t feel she was just speaking to Mr. West (y’all) but speaking with anyone and everyone who aspires to be something great, whatever that greatness may be in a positive light.

Yes, there are many who believe because they arrived at a certain point in their lives, they believe they can be the misfit of society, “I want what I want and I want it now”, type of attitude that generates the group of haters and the obnoxious individuals that will not only support said behavior but also continue to make themselves broke supporting said behavior.

Kinda dumb isn’t it?

Look, I’m not a Kayne hater. I don’t sit back trolling the internet saying, “what am I going to say bad about him today”. A true hater does everything they can to continue to rise the hate within themselves over someone else’s successes (I thought I should point that out because there are many delusional people out there who have limited vocabulary and understand the meaning of true hate). Scary to know in this day and age we have more of those than we do people supporting one another in their good causes.

2005_Penny_Rev_Unc_D.pngSpeaking of causes, can someone confirm Kanye actually has a go fund me page, so I can chip in my penny.

But seriously. The thing that irks me the post is when Mr. West compares himself of great artists of our time. I cannot sit here and say, I write like the great Jackie Collins or Stephen King. I write like I know how to write and express myself. However, I always remember there’s always room to learn and grow from my writing habits and styles in expressing not only for me but for whomever decides to read my material.

I’m in the process of writing a very personal love story and rewriting another book I actually finished but now must make major changes. I think when you have a gift, you find a way to channel that gift so you can share with the world (if you choose), or help other people. We’re not dummies to take those gifts and make money from them, especially if they are the choice for career. It’s what happens when you become recognized for your work and the money comes flowing in.

bedroom setHow does anyone handle that only remains to be seen with each individual person. If there’s one thing I don’t talk about much is my interview with 50 Cent. One thing he mentioned in his interview about obtaining money, buying the mansion with a bunch of rooms but you can only sleep in one bed (my apologies not verbatim).

I have been broke and broker than broke. I have set up go fund me pages to help start up a studio for KEM TopTalk in the past and guess what…. no one gave a shit even while people do enjoy the show. By the way, my show will be coming back soon. My life was at a standstill and now I’m building my own studio in my apartment. 🙂

Sometimes there are things we don’t like doing to get where we are going. When I got clean and sober in 1991 I remember people telling me ‘it will get better’. I wanted to believe in my head, if I took a break from drinking I can regroup and drink again.

Almost 25 years later. (Hang tight June 16th I’ll have 25 years of sobriety).

So, does humility have something to do with getting somewhere in life and/or meeting your goals. Yes.

But once you’ve met your successes and goals, what happens next?

Success, fame, entertaining is a hard pill to swallow. Every day I ask myself what kind of person will I be once I’ve attained the status I am looking to gain? Am I afraid? Of course, who wouldn’t be? My belief system has always been, “with good intent”.

I have seen people acquire their statuses through fake story telling or fake positions they tell people they’ve had and when they didn’t. I have had people say things about my magazine and where are they now? Once you put yourself in line to say you have something better, you better be prepared to live up to your words.

“Comparing is never a winning concept. Individuality is.” (as quoted by Marabelle Blue~)

Stay humble Kanye. Stay humble.giphy

Until then.

Loves and Hugs and Take Care of You!

Marabelle Blue~

 

 

#TheBachelor @benhiggi – #BenBeccable @chrisbharrision

 

I was all convinced at some point Olivia would be one of the top two but I think between episodes 1 and 2, I changed my mind. Now watching episode three, I’m would be surprised if Olivia receives a rose at the end of this.

Four weeks in and she’s calling Ben her husband and how she’s in love with him that’s “her man”, “Ben and Zen” I’m not sure how many more shit she can come up with, that is after Chris Harrison announces Ben is no long in Los Angels but rather in Las Vegas (my future home).

As soon as they realize they are going, she’s instigating she’s going to whisper to him, she wants to see Celine. She’s funny.

Needless to say, once the ladies arrive in Vegas, the first date card also arrives in their hotel room at the beautiful Aria Hotel (was there in 2014 truly beautiful hotel), and JoJo is on this particular one and one.

When Ben picked her up as they waited for the helicopter and the girls became jealous but then laughed when the helicopter landed and the force of the propellers knocked the table and champagne down from the table BUT walked away when Ben took advantage of the moment and kissed JoJo. Now that was pretty cool.

 

During the one on one, it seemed the conversation between Ben and JoJo was truncated. What exactly the story with JoJo and her last relationship. Why did it sound like she was having an affair? I mean no offense, we’re all grown here, aren’t we and shit happens, however, it would make sense she would discuss a relationship to make a conversation flow for the cameras and before you know it, Ben is offering a rose. Okay. Great.

The night ended with one more surprise after he gave the rose to JoJo, the fireworks above the Aria hotel began to spark when the girls inside their room heard the fireworks but could not see them (Ben and JoJo’s date were at the MGM Grand – great hotel too) of course had a clearest view of the fireworks.

JoJo one point, Olivia zero.

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What’s Real and What’s Not…

The week of November 16, minding my business, getting off the train to head home, I noticed someone from the corner of my eye as I walked down the stairs and they walking beside me. Now the first thought is, “who the fuck is this person”, then he speaks…

“boy does that chicken smell good.”

There’s a restaurant up the street from the train station and I will say this, if the chicken is more than a day old, and they’re cooking it, it smells pretty bad.

The conversation leads to me saying the food didn’t smell good and I can make better chicken than they can. I thought that was the end, until he walked with me to my destination.

Okay, aggressive maybe?

Approaching the ninety nine cents store, I tell him, “well I have to go in here” and he asked me for my number.

I asked him to give me his and I promised I would call him back.

“What’s your name?”, he asked.

“My name is Marabelle.”

Well I wasn’t going to tell him my birth name. LOL.

Needless to say, I did give him my number. My business number. And then the calls started maybe a two days later. I didn’t feel we had much in common. But after a few text exchanges and a few calls in between, he surprised me last Saturday meeting me at the very same area we first started talking and took to the diner where we spent about four more maybe a bit more hours talking about everything.

Then my view changed.

Wow, this guy is smart and we do have a lot in common.

But…(you know there’s always that damn ‘but’), due to privacy issues, I changed my phone number on my ‘whatsapp’ to my business number, not realizing anyone who had the app and my business number will pop up a notification like, “hey your friend just joined whatsapp” – the same number I gave to this guy, who looks at my profile pic, watermarked, “Property of Kink~E Magazine”.

I have struggled for many years with men who thought that me owning a sex magazine made me available for sex, or that I was some kind of freak fucking different guys every night. Or how can I be such a prude and own a sex magazine.

Umm well, people are dirty and disgusting and I don’t open my legs to anyone unless they are fucking worth it. And oh, my fetish life isn’t practiced with some fly by night asshole that doesn’t know what he’s doing.

The men I meet get it very twisted and very confused as to who I am, what I do, what is the purpose of the magazine and why I do it.

The mission statement on www.kinkemagazine.com is very clear and anyone who reads it knows exactly what my magazine is about, what my writers do and what we talk about. Most importantly, why it’s so important to educated people living or exploring alternative lifestyles.

Well now upon knowing this info he had on hand, I told him what I do, I’m a writer, I own a magazine and I have different writer who discuss different aspects of adult entertainment and alternative lifestyle and he seemed cool with it.

After our endless hours of talking, it was time for me to go home and get rest and figuring I would hear from him the next day, I did not.

Okay what the fuck is going on here. You like someone (remember we are not 25, I don’t have time for stupid mind games), you’re not going to waste time or say, “well, duh, gee, I’ll contact her three days from now. By then I would have lost interest.

Bothered by the fact he didn’t make much of an effort, but texting here and there, I said something and it seemed to wake up the senses and led to another all night conversation.

Now my head space is, “yeah I’m feeling this guy, we can hang out get to know each other.”

Today, not so much. Inconsistent. Not making much of an effort BUT definitely made an effort in exposing exactly what he wanted to do me, desires of feasting on certain parts of my body…(use your imagination, ya’ll know what I’m talking about).

Yeah…no, I wasn’t feeling it.

I go out with you ONE time and one week later you’re talking about eating me out. It’s one thing to flirt, yet another when you’re just horn dog asking for sex when I barely even know the guy.

No thank you.

Does he not think I’m already getting emails like that from someone who’s been chasing me since 2000. And OH what about the guy I connect with periodically. While he’s busy playing mind games, someone else (someone I know) texting me at the same time, asking when I’m coming over.

A friend with benefit understanding only works with me for ONE person. I don’t need an extra person for that especially if they are telling me how REAL they are, when in essence are just full of shit.

I have been “around the block” enough to know all the stories guys play just to get a girl into bed, instead of just being forthright in saying, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now, however, I would like a partner I can be intimate with and have fun.”

Last time I checked, there’s nothing wrong with that level of honesty, but that’s just me. Some women may find the whole statement repulsive and that’s okay too.

Look I’m not here to judge, far from it. But when you come in with lies about me being in your heart and saying all of these romantic things just to get me in bed, is where I lose all respect for a person who’s flat out lying.

After addressing said issue, not only does he block me on twitter (why I don’t know he’s not worth reading any tweets he puts out), he blocks my number on his phone (after last Saturday when he tells me I gave him my “heartline” after I gave him my personal cell number).

If these are the actions of a person who claims they are telling the truth, guess what…you’re not.

Liars will not defend their actions once they’ve been found out. If anything they run the other way to ensure their integrity is not found out by others so they can pull the same game on someone else who will buy the lie.

While no one knows who I’m talking about, the last thing I would do it tag him on tweets like an immature child and accuse him of being a liar. Sure I will say certain things, but I won’t tag a name on to it.

He could have taken a different approach had he been telling the TRUTH, maybe by picking up the phone and calling and defending himself.

Being truthful is painful, whether you’re on the receiving end of it or not, hearing it for yourself when the words are departing from your lips can be painful.

After tonight, I was hurt and disappointed because I really wanted him to be for real in everything he was saying, but in the back of my mind, something said, there’s something not right.

I have learned to follow my intuition instead of following my heart.

Sad when you can’t follow your heart.

I text a friend of mine and told her what barely began has pretty much ended. In this phone conversation, a lot was revealed to me saying the words out loud.

Even in my own personal truth, as the words left my lips, my tears streamed down my face, because this really wasn’t about this guy, it is about something in the past, yet to be closed and the actions I am taking, in my own personal journey to resolve it.

You will all get a chance to share in that, I promise you.

In the meantime, my tears lie on the disappointment more than the person himself. It sucks when a person doesn’t tell you the truth, it sucks even more when they feel they can get over on you and not care about the feelings you’re investing through their web of lies.

(Addition) I wanted to say this, there’s always a reason why everyone goes through certain paths in their lives. I believe there’s a reason why I am having these experiences. While these experiences may not be so pleasant I know at the end of this tunnel will flourish something beautiful.

The journey continues….because whoever my “one” is, will completely and totally love me for who I am and not what they think I’m supposed to be.

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

#TheBachelorette E9 – @kaitlynbristowe @haibon_jared @realrealitymag- Down to the Final Four

the-bachelorette-week-5_105The rose ceremony isn’t for an hour into the episode.

Kaitlyn was talking about how more difficult the week will become as she will need to say goodbye to two guys because the next round of dates will be the fantasy over night dates before any families are met.

Usually it’s the other way around. She will be left with four guys and those four guys would be the home town dates where she would meet their families. Why didn’t they do that?

The first date she had was with Ben H., who out of nowhere she had some attraction to him. Was this more than Nick and Shawn?

On a boat sailing the beautiful waters towards Innisfallen Island in Ireland – they spent time together playing hide and seek while back and forth interviews with Ben admitting that he has strong feeling for her but is afraid to share that because he doesn’t want to get hurt.

Understandable. It’s funny though how he had no issue calling her his girlfriend in an earlier episode.

Most guys have said that in past bachelor seasons and I think everyone is confused. No one is boyfriend and girlfriend until it’s just the both of you. And even then while engaged, you’re still boyfriend and girlfriend. Think of how many couple did NOT make it to the altar after making fools of themselves on television.

1436812163_kaitlyn-ben-donkey-zoomDuring their date, while Ben is talking about his last relationships and the ideal relationship and how he feels, Kaitlyn started to wonder if Ben was a virgin and asked him straight forward, his response…..No.

Now that Ben seems to be in the clear (no roses yet), the group date has officially begun, Shawn, Nick and Joe all meeting up with Kaitlyn to talk to her one on one. Kaitlyn, off camera admits there are discussions that need to be had and Shawn is the first one to pull her way.

Notice, Shawn is super possessive. Still unaware that she had sexual relations with Nick earlier in the week or week before. He’s still insecure due to the fact she told him he was it and he got stuck on that one.

Ladies, if you and guy are dating and it’s not serious for you, yet…and you tell him he’s it, he will HARP on that shit forever.

Notice how different she is with Nick than she is with Shawn. She is giddy, she’s vulnerable, and she talks to him like she’s known him her whole life, or is it just the Nick effect? Who knows.

What I think is so stupid, it seems she’s a wasted Bachelorette. If she had such a connection with Nick before this show, why even bother going through all this nonsense. We could have had someone much more fun and entertaining with Kelsey from Farmer Chris season.

UGH watching her and Joe was extremely difficult. He was talking about how he was falling in love with Kaitlyn, he’s kissing her and oh so passionate. Although Kaitlyn is kissing him back, it’s clear these are not kisses she wants to be returning, let alone be in locked in some intimate embrace. Maybe Nick should have interrupted and should have waited till after Joe so he can comfort her.

joe-kaitlyn-kiss-bachelorette-w352It was painfully clear we were reaching an end with her and Joe and after the kissing, Kaitlyn discusses honesty and where he was coming from and where she’s coming from and feeling as they are not on the same page.

While I remain, sometimes being honest means saying, I know you said you fell in love with me, but I’m not feeling the same way. Her round about behavior only seemed to infuriate Joe who copped an attitude really quick. He said things like, “it’s cool, It’s been fun”, very cold and unfeeling.

Kaitlyn asked for a hug goodbye and while he did comply, you can tell her was reeling in anger. He turned and looked at her and asked her, “what do I do now” and Kaitlyn responds, “I just wanted to give you a hug goodbye”, for which Joe replies, “I don’t want to say shit to you right now.”

Had to be the word shit.

Wow where the fuck did that come from?

Talk about pissed. The cameras didn’t even follow him to get feedback. LMAO If I was a camera person, I wouldn’t follow him either.

When Kaitlyn comes back she decides not to give the rose out, telling Nick that she will see him at the rose ceremony and told Shawn they need more time to talk. Shawn thinking this is a special one on one time, little does he know the only reason why she wants to talk to him to tell him that she and Nick had sex. LOL What a dummy.

After some small talk and flirting, she admits she and Nick had sex on their date. Of course now the mood changes and Shawn knows exactly why she called him out for more time. This wasn’t just a regular date. He asked her if she regrets, and she said she felt guilt. Not the answer he wanted to hear I’m sure.
the bachelorette - kaitlyn tells shawn b about nick sex

Why should she regret anything she’s done? If she really didn’t want to have sex with Nick, she wouldn’t have asked him back to her room. But she knew what she wanted. Period. The End!

Shawn, had to take a moment and go to the men’s room probably to punch the sink LOL. (I had to post this pic I found online just too damn funny)

Nick, who’s back in the hotel room, is completely perplexed as to why she didn’t give out a rose. And while he’s complaining about what the fuck is going on, Jared looks like he’s ready to fall asleep, while Ben is assured he will be flying high in the next rose ceremony.

I guess the question would be, was it wise to tell Shawn about her escapade with she and Nick or picking Shawn at the end, and then telling him in private before the show aired.

When Shawn, finally comes out of the bathroom, he admits that he’s upset but he cannot be mad at her, and that it happened, but he loves her and he wants to be with her.

His “not being angry” becomes short lived.

Shawn enters the room and puts his mask on not letting anyone know what transpired on the date and Nick sitting there clueless of the conversation that took place.

The next day is the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn choose not to have any cocktail hour. Her mind has been made up, according to Chris Harrison, who informs them it’s time for the rose ceremony.

Now down to the wire, Shawn still has questions as to what he wants to do. He’s still upset over the fact that she and Nick were intimate together. After her endearing speech on how important these three roses are, she picks up the first rose and calls Shawn and asked him will he accept this rose, his response,

the-bachelorette-shawn-rose-ceremony“I need to talk to you”

The look on her face was absolutely priceless. There was fear and anger all at the same time.

Shawn is upset that it’s Nick she had sex with. If it were anyone else, I don’t think he would be as upset. Why him? He asked and why she would do that to jeopardize them. Really Shawn? Ya got a big head there my friend.

Kaitlyn tells Shawn she’s here to explore other relationships, because after she chooses one, she will never have that opportunity again. And what she said to him a few weeks ago, that he was it, she had no business saying that. I think she realizes when you put your foot in your mouth; you give someone that unrealistic expectation “things will proceed according to plan.”

Kaitlyn left off asking Shawn if he questions her trust, and we never see the answer. They come out of the room and back to the rose ceremony, once again asking Shawn if he will accept her rose.

“Absolutely”

The last two roses she hands out to Ben H. and then Nick, leaving Jared hurt.

Screen-shot-2015-07-07-at-8.37.32-PMJared the next bachelor? Wouldn’t be surprised. He’s a cutie, in a fishy sort of way.

If anyone who cried more saying goodbye was Kaitlyn while Jared was comforting her telling her it was okay.

Gosh that was so hard to watch. Admittedly I had my own waterworks going on watching him in the limo.

Hard….just touch. Broken hearts suck. He left with his head up high. I think the only one who didn’t leave with a grandiose attitude. Despite of me calling him a fish kisser, Jared is a person who deserves a great woman, clearly Kaitlyn is not that woman, for him.

Now that Jared is gone, Kaitlyn proceeds with her overnight dates, first with Nick.

It is very apparent that Nick and Kaitlyn have a very strong connection together. They traveled throughout and exploring Ireland. They stopped at a Cathedral Church, a bar and some kind of castle jail. It comes up during their date, Nick begins discussing someone who he doesn’t respect, and has insecurities and admits he’s talking about Shawn and his concerns over him.

The minute they get into this deep conversation, a storm begins to brew.

Coincidence?

Was Nick right in saying anything about Shawn? Or is it about jealous emotions like Kaitlyn stated.

After taking Nick to a prank fantasy suite, they head over to the real suite, where Nick expresses more of his love to her.

I know people are not Nick fans because he disclosed his intimacy with Andi and quite honestly I’m not sure what is the big deal. I said this before and I’ll say it again. The fantasy suite, they are fucking, if anyone thinks any different, you’re stupid.

The next day, Kaitlyn and Nick are eating breakfast looking like a natural couple. I can only imagine Shawn watching this. He looks like he has anger issues.

And not wanting to let go what Kaitlyn shared with him, he calls the hotel concierge to find out where Nick’s room to confront him as to why he’s there. All throughout the interviews, he would refer to him as, “the other guy”.

I don’t’ know if I saw this for myself, I wouldn’t go with Shawn. There are a lot of control issues there.

Their confrontation turns into an argument.

To be continued….

bachelorette-shawn-booth-and-nick-viall

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