Celebrating 25 Years!

this is me

Here I am. Today I have 25 years clean and sober.

In 1991, I walked in to my first meeting after doing a stint in rehab. I didn’t know what to expect nor did I understand what the hell was going on here. So we all meet at these places and talk about how pathetic we are? Do we get to drink again at some point? I mean you know this was all well and good, but did I really have a problem?

I just overdid it but now I can control it. “Just give me some time, and you’ll see”, I told all my friends. “Let me just clean up for a year and then I can control my drinking, I’ll be all right.”

From my autobiography: “How I View the World with Me in It: From 1968 to Present” (copyright 2016)

I walked in to my friend meeting in April I believe. I did believe I could control it. I think I was clean for a few weeks when I found myself heading into this popular corner store, to buy a Coors Light. I remember looking around to see if anyone saw me. I put the beer in a brown paper bag, opened it and put a straw in it and took a sip. I left the store feeling guilty but that guilt, I was going to make it go away. I didn’t have a problem. I was not like the people at the meetings. They were doing hard core drugs and I wasn’t, so I can control it.

Three beers later, I was feeling the effects. I had no stamina when it came to drinking and it wouldn’t be long before I found myself at 140 Street and Amsterdam.

I have contemplated how much I’m willing to share in my book. It has been hard writing your life story without feeling the effects. I feel elated sometimes, I feel pain, pain I don’t want to feel, memories I want to forget. I see my friends in the street, “don’t you remember me”, sadly there are some I can’t remember. My colorful life took away some memories of friendships I had with people.

I have made amends to some, but amends don’t stop. Amends are not just saying you’re sorry it is about what can I do. If I can’t make amends to a person, how can I be effective towards society? Perhaps give to a cause.

Yes I do these things and then some. I don’t need to make an announcement about what I do or how I support a cause whether or not it’s in money or volunteering, quite honestly it’s no one’s business. It’s the relationship I have with the Universe.

Some people call it God. I call it mother nature. God to me is complex.

I stay clean by choice.

I don’t begrudge anyone who does drugs because every day I walk on 34th street, I see it in my face. The signs of homelessness, the ones sprawled out in the street on a high I can’t even begin to understand.

I’ve gotten the shock value, “You don’t drink” as people gasp under their breath, “do you smoke pot?”

No, pot is drug, regardless of what people say. It’s a mood and mind altering chemical. End of story. What I don’t like is when people think it’s okay to smoke pot (that synthetic shit) out in a public park while receiving hand outs from the government (another story for another time).

Some people are not sure how to behave around me. There isn’t a special treatment I need. I am me. I didn’t know who ‘me’ was for the longest of time. I wanted to be someone else, live in someone else’s life. I hated everything about me but when I was high and drunk I didn’t have to be me. I didn’t have to think about what people thought of me.

This journey has been amazing. I remember having a sponsor share at one of my meetings and one thing she said I completely understand today was, “I could care less if you don’t like me, that’s not what I’m here for.”

What? I thought to myself. How can you not care????

I get it now. When I got clean, there were no cells phone and no internet. My life was limited as to what I can do and where I can go because my parents did not trust me. My father finally believed I was clean when I celebrated five years clean. Until then, he wasn’t sure.

When I finish my book, you will understand a little bit better on who I am, where I come from and hope that my story will inspire maybe one person to believe in themselves.

I’m not ashamed of who I am. My sensitivity towards celebrity deaths from overdose and the evil things people say, haven’t a clue of what the fuck they are talking about. Thank goodness you’re not addicted, maybe to stupidity but that’s better than being a slave to a drug that makes you believe you are nothing without it.

No not everyone is an addict via drugs, anyone can be addicted to anything these days. People have made choices in their lives and when they don’t like the outcome it becomes someone else’s fault. People hate for no reason at all other than to reflect that inner hate on to others, plain and simple.

Also, anyone can be clean for an ‘x’ amount of time…I believe that, but can you comply with the changes when life happens?

I found this quote years ago and I’ll end with this.

“Growing old is mandatory, Growing up is optional”

How are you livin’?

Loves and Hugs,

MB~

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1 Comment

  1. Pete said,

    June 16, 2016 at 9:54 pm

    Thank you for sharing… I am 44 years clean!


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