What’s Real and What’s Not…

The week of November 16, minding my business, getting off the train to head home, I noticed someone from the corner of my eye as I walked down the stairs and they walking beside me. Now the first thought is, “who the fuck is this person”, then he speaks…

“boy does that chicken smell good.”

There’s a restaurant up the street from the train station and I will say this, if the chicken is more than a day old, and they’re cooking it, it smells pretty bad.

The conversation leads to me saying the food didn’t smell good and I can make better chicken than they can. I thought that was the end, until he walked with me to my destination.

Okay, aggressive maybe?

Approaching the ninety nine cents store, I tell him, “well I have to go in here” and he asked me for my number.

I asked him to give me his and I promised I would call him back.

“What’s your name?”, he asked.

“My name is Marabelle.”

Well I wasn’t going to tell him my birth name. LOL.

Needless to say, I did give him my number. My business number. And then the calls started maybe a two days later. I didn’t feel we had much in common. But after a few text exchanges and a few calls in between, he surprised me last Saturday meeting me at the very same area we first started talking and took to the diner where we spent about four more maybe a bit more hours talking about everything.

Then my view changed.

Wow, this guy is smart and we do have a lot in common.

But…(you know there’s always that damn ‘but’), due to privacy issues, I changed my phone number on my ‘whatsapp’ to my business number, not realizing anyone who had the app and my business number will pop up a notification like, “hey your friend just joined whatsapp” – the same number I gave to this guy, who looks at my profile pic, watermarked, “Property of Kink~E Magazine”.

I have struggled for many years with men who thought that me owning a sex magazine made me available for sex, or that I was some kind of freak fucking different guys every night. Or how can I be such a prude and own a sex magazine.

Umm well, people are dirty and disgusting and I don’t open my legs to anyone unless they are fucking worth it. And oh, my fetish life isn’t practiced with some fly by night asshole that doesn’t know what he’s doing.

The men I meet get it very twisted and very confused as to who I am, what I do, what is the purpose of the magazine and why I do it.

The mission statement on www.kinkemagazine.com is very clear and anyone who reads it knows exactly what my magazine is about, what my writers do and what we talk about. Most importantly, why it’s so important to educated people living or exploring alternative lifestyles.

Well now upon knowing this info he had on hand, I told him what I do, I’m a writer, I own a magazine and I have different writer who discuss different aspects of adult entertainment and alternative lifestyle and he seemed cool with it.

After our endless hours of talking, it was time for me to go home and get rest and figuring I would hear from him the next day, I did not.

Okay what the fuck is going on here. You like someone (remember we are not 25, I don’t have time for stupid mind games), you’re not going to waste time or say, “well, duh, gee, I’ll contact her three days from now. By then I would have lost interest.

Bothered by the fact he didn’t make much of an effort, but texting here and there, I said something and it seemed to wake up the senses and led to another all night conversation.

Now my head space is, “yeah I’m feeling this guy, we can hang out get to know each other.”

Today, not so much. Inconsistent. Not making much of an effort BUT definitely made an effort in exposing exactly what he wanted to do me, desires of feasting on certain parts of my body…(use your imagination, ya’ll know what I’m talking about).

Yeah…no, I wasn’t feeling it.

I go out with you ONE time and one week later you’re talking about eating me out. It’s one thing to flirt, yet another when you’re just horn dog asking for sex when I barely even know the guy.

No thank you.

Does he not think I’m already getting emails like that from someone who’s been chasing me since 2000. And OH what about the guy I connect with periodically. While he’s busy playing mind games, someone else (someone I know) texting me at the same time, asking when I’m coming over.

A friend with benefit understanding only works with me for ONE person. I don’t need an extra person for that especially if they are telling me how REAL they are, when in essence are just full of shit.

I have been “around the block” enough to know all the stories guys play just to get a girl into bed, instead of just being forthright in saying, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now, however, I would like a partner I can be intimate with and have fun.”

Last time I checked, there’s nothing wrong with that level of honesty, but that’s just me. Some women may find the whole statement repulsive and that’s okay too.

Look I’m not here to judge, far from it. But when you come in with lies about me being in your heart and saying all of these romantic things just to get me in bed, is where I lose all respect for a person who’s flat out lying.

After addressing said issue, not only does he block me on twitter (why I don’t know he’s not worth reading any tweets he puts out), he blocks my number on his phone (after last Saturday when he tells me I gave him my “heartline” after I gave him my personal cell number).

If these are the actions of a person who claims they are telling the truth, guess what…you’re not.

Liars will not defend their actions once they’ve been found out. If anything they run the other way to ensure their integrity is not found out by others so they can pull the same game on someone else who will buy the lie.

While no one knows who I’m talking about, the last thing I would do it tag him on tweets like an immature child and accuse him of being a liar. Sure I will say certain things, but I won’t tag a name on to it.

He could have taken a different approach had he been telling the TRUTH, maybe by picking up the phone and calling and defending himself.

Being truthful is painful, whether you’re on the receiving end of it or not, hearing it for yourself when the words are departing from your lips can be painful.

After tonight, I was hurt and disappointed because I really wanted him to be for real in everything he was saying, but in the back of my mind, something said, there’s something not right.

I have learned to follow my intuition instead of following my heart.

Sad when you can’t follow your heart.

I text a friend of mine and told her what barely began has pretty much ended. In this phone conversation, a lot was revealed to me saying the words out loud.

Even in my own personal truth, as the words left my lips, my tears streamed down my face, because this really wasn’t about this guy, it is about something in the past, yet to be closed and the actions I am taking, in my own personal journey to resolve it.

You will all get a chance to share in that, I promise you.

In the meantime, my tears lie on the disappointment more than the person himself. It sucks when a person doesn’t tell you the truth, it sucks even more when they feel they can get over on you and not care about the feelings you’re investing through their web of lies.

(Addition) I wanted to say this, there’s always a reason why everyone goes through certain paths in their lives. I believe there’s a reason why I am having these experiences. While these experiences may not be so pleasant I know at the end of this tunnel will flourish something beautiful.

The journey continues….because whoever my “one” is, will completely and totally love me for who I am and not what they think I’m supposed to be.

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,

MB~